Droughts

not much

I feel sick, I am so close to misery; why have company when you can have connection?..Anything? I really feel so sick to my stomach. After drinking the long nights away and feeling restless and helpless like there was no one there, surrounded by garbage. Because it's all I do, I just get thrown away, I just throw myself away, when I'm right in your hand and I just throw myself into a plastic abyss full of shallow, fake, laughter and music I like; but I can't hear over all of these thoughts running through my mind.
Everyone feels the need to prove that they are on top. That makes me uncomfortable. Do they not know? At the top of this mountain were are numb, supreme, lonely, holy, married to only our destiny, at least alone. I see through the false understanding as you nod your head. It's every night now, I try to let go but I find myself holding on so tightly. I can't but.. oh these desires. Might as well call them burdens.

As I chat away, I melt. I decay, I go to waste, I am trash; I am garbage I am only, I can never be, let go, because I will be reused and reused over and over and over, and I had a price. You picked me up and you bought me with your words, your kindness, I wanted to be kept but I know through all these traditions that all I will ever be good for is to be your tool. 
Call me what you like. I just want you to be happy, because I am useless. The best part is that everyone else makes me (suffer) here. People seem to get this impression about me, like they can steal me, but they can't because i give myself up openly. There is no feeling of being free. There is no redemption, because my sins are definite. I carve them into this false sense of security as I sail away into myself. Almost all the time...the petty, drunk, frivolous conversations around me, there is no use in trying to act because, all it is, is just that..
I watch, just like an barn owl.
as I sink deeper...in
this tear...I could drown in it perpetual times
for you.
But you have moved on, and now I sit here with the stench of a painfully slow rotting heart. For not only was I mislead..but so where you, and so were the rest of us, and I won't find my way, yet.. home seems to find me.
No matter
how desolate
have I become,
I crave some f*****g, because I am filthy. I crave some love, because I am human. I crave some attention because I exist. I want to be craved, I want to be fucked and loved and human and existent. But I'll never be yours, I'll never be anyone ever again, because I'm just garbage, and it's meaningless and I'm so sorry, but I may just be broken now.

Lets be real, honest, and true to ourselves. Realize the pain that we have caused, and the hurt and suffering, because somewhere I am a world, and somewhere so many people love me, and are fighting for me. Somewhere I am forming, and somewhere I am called beautiful. But here I am just to be,
your trash...I'll be here so..
Lust- go and be loved. Love

For I'm an ocean without water.
For I'm tree without leaves.
For I'm a tear without crying.
For you I'm anything but nothing..