Flowers

The day that I moved from my hometown was not one I wish I could relive.

I remember-quite clearly, in fact-the looks upon all of my friends' faces when I drove away from them in the backseat of my mother's sleek onyx car. I shouldn't have looked out the rear window; then maybe I would not be having such nightmares every night when I shut my eyes. All I see is the despair in their persons, the look of betrayal and hurt shining in their gem-like eyes, and the sad tug at their grim lips. I wish I recalled them when they were happier. I wished I never looked back, because it tarnished my memories of them all. My dear, true, and close friends, which I will never see again.

I am slightly elated, though, that I never saw Todd when I looked behind me, that I never saw how heartbroken his soul was, or how torn apart from the inside out he was. I am glad that my last remembrance of him was how he looked-so carefree, loved, and pleased-the day before. He was holding me close to his chest, his laugh vibrating through his chest into my back as it comforted me into a lull. I looked up to smile softly, fondly, at him, and the sight of him in such a happy state nearly sent me to tears at that moment. How could one appear so elated at the fact that I loved them? My friends knew I loved them-in a sense-but they never looked so breathless with euphoria like he did. And my parents clearly knew that I loved them a lot, but they looked knowing and at ease whenever they seemed to recall this fact. But he... he took it in like the first rays of sun, the premier song of the Robins, the beginning of the melody. He never got tired of the idea of me loving him so. And that's what made me love him even more.

It's still a shame that I have to leave them all like this. I can only imagine how he is faring now. Is he sobbing uncontrollably? Is he taking out his sadness and grief through another person who 'loves' him as well? One can only guess. I just hope he didn't take it too far and wind up doing something he could regret. I just hope he's safe and happy. That's all I've ever wanted for him.

I remember clearly the day that I left. I was aware of the split second the car seemed to freeze in its tracks, and how it suddenly began to move in slow motion, everything shuddering forward from the stern of the car up to its front, but the car never moved forward. It moved into itself. Crushing accordion-style, my mother's car containing her and I, our two-member family, doubled over onto us. I can reminisce the final moment I saw the light of the day: the pain I felt was unimaginable, the feeling of my organs being crushed and compacted, and the cracking sensation of my limbs as they were folded-against their wishes-into pretzel style. It hurt so much-but then it all came to a stop.

And then my vision swam with nothingness for a few moments; slowly, ever so slowly, I began to see the haze of some... mystical place, only dreamt of. It seemed like the most serene place I've ever seen, more majestic than any other sight the world had shown me before.

It was like moving through liquid velvet: each shuffle of my feet and each sweep of my body were caressed by an unseen force. There were golden rays of light shining around me, and I was walking on something soft and vapory. It felt strange, but so exhilarating.

As I looked at myself closely for the first time since I entered this strange realm, I saw that my skin was a creamy, smooth alabaster, and all of the scars I had-the one from the time I fell off the swing set at my friend's, the one I got from soccer practice, and the other numerous ones-were literally gone. My skin was a flawless milky color. And it glowed; it gave off a faint light. My hair, once untamable, frizzy, split-ended and disgusting mud-colored, was now a silken head of slippery, chestnut hair that had a natural sheen to it. It was like I underwent a complete metamorphosis: I felt rejuvenated and whole, and it was like I was just reborn.

Suddenly, my haven was whipped away, and it was like looking down at the Earth from a bird's vantage point: I saw tiny people, milling about silently, looking grave and sorrowful. Hey... was that Todd? And my friends? Grandma, why are you there, dressed in solemn grey clothes? Where did your bright, neon nylon jumpers go? I saw other family members of mine too: cousins, second cousins, aunts, and uncles...

I then noticed all of the stones lined up in neat lines. I've been to one of these places before, and I knew enough about them. It was a graveyard I was hovering above, and I was watching my friends and family grieve over someone. But who?

As if an invisible source were at my commanding, I slowly and gracefully descended down to the ground, but never completely touched the muddied soil.

I then directed my attention to a person in front of me. It was some cousin of mine. I opened my mouth to speak, and-

No sound left my rosebud lips.

Nothing. No squeak, no whisper, not a sound came forth from my lips. What was going on? I put a hand to my mouth in shock, and began to panic. But then I felt a rush of calm sweep over and through me, and I slowly lowered my hand, somehow knowing I couldn't speak with anyone... Not now.

So I just slowly glided over to where everyone was surrounding, and I felt a fear and surprise grip my heart and self in a vice grip. In front of me was a tombstone, made of gossamer-white marble that had smoky, pale grey veined through it. It was polished to a faint shine, and there were words etched into the stone.

It read my name, and below it was my date of birth, and the day... That date was today! I looked down. Below everything else, almost touching the ground, the stone finally read:

Nothing gold can stay.

It was a quote from one of my favorite poems, the one by Jack Frost.

But why was it on this gravestone, and why was my name on the tombstone?

I was not dead! Well... at least I'm sure I was alive. I attentively put a finger to my pulse point, below my ear.

I waited...

Nothing. Not a pump of blood was felt against my fingertips. I was...

I was dead.

I only felt a numb emotion: no panic overcame me, and I didn't sink to the ground in grief, sobbing uncontrollably. I felt oddly at peace.

But then, I felt my non-beating heart clench, tear, and explode within my hollow chest.

There he was, kneeling in front of my tombstone, doubled over and sobbing. My heart went out to him then, and I felt a deep frown mar my face. The tears began to slip down my face, but they were liquid silver tears instead of the usual clear tears that I used to cry.

I silently swept over to him, and stood to the side so that I could clearly see his face. It was scrunched up painfully as he wept, and he was biting his lower lip-the lip I used to lovingly nibble on whenever we kissed. 

I stood with him throughout the whole thing, until the last relative of mine had left the plot.

He never left when everyone else began to file out. He stayed, and his tears continued. I was still crying; it was like crying a waterfall.

"Love..." He croaked quietly, and my head snapped up from its bowed state.

I attentively listened, the teardrops still falling.

"You mean the world to me, and no matter how gone you are, I'm still with you. I just hope you'll be with me, even though in heaven there has to be tons of guys more handsome and worthy of you than me," He bitterly chuckled, a humorless laugh.

I wrung my hands together. I yearned to reach out and touch his cheek, still wet with tears, and tell him that I loved and missed him dearly. I knew, without trying, that I wouldn’t be able to make contact with his soft, warm skin.

"I promise, though, that we'll be with each other soon. I miss you, and life will never worth living without you there with me. If it hadn't been for you, I would have been gone a long time ago. I feel it in my chest: my head, my mind, my soul: they're dying slowly. Painfully. Would you forgive me for taking the coward's way out, for taking my own life in order to be with you, Love? Would you accuse me of being a weak person? I only want to be with you, so maybe that does make me weak. But I'd rather be a weak person for loving you than a stronger, lonelier person without you at my side forever."

He paused, and I felt sadness and grief envelope me.

"Before I go to do the deed, though, I wanted to leave you something, to hold you over until I get there. Okay?" He forced out, opening his deep blue eyes finally, and looked at the grave.

"Remember, in English class, how we learned about symbolism with flowers? Well, I actually took notes that day, but only because I was planning to use it later on. For you."

He sighed sadly, and turned around to pick up something.

Then, in his hands was a small bouquet of flowers.

"There is a sprig of rosemary, to show faithfulness. I have been and always will be faithful to you and your heart. I would never betray you in any way."

He kissed the plant once, and placed it against the tombstone.

"This is an orchid. You were perfection, and that's why I got you a flower that symbolizes flawlessness." He kissed it also, and it went with the rosemary against my tombstone.

"Here's a Jasmine flower, the Hindu symbol for love." A peck of the perfect lips, and it went with the other flowers.

"Azalea, for romance, cattail for peace, dandelion for faithfulness, Gloxinia for love at first sight, Iris for respect, Mistletoe for kisses, Pine for hope, Rue for grief, and finally Forget-me-Not, for...well... the name says it." He kissed each one as he spoke of them, and when he finished, there was a neat stack of flowers lying against the grave.

"I promise to come with you soon; wait up for me so I don't get lost, eh?" He chuckled quietly, tears still streaming down his face. Oh, how I longed to card through his inky black hair with my hands.

And with that, he stood and walked in the direction of his home. I sighed; there was nothing for me to do. I know it was selfish of me, but I couldn't help but to feel slightly happy at the fact of him joining me here... wherever I was.

I remained at the gravesite for the remainder of the night, and finally, after I dozed, I felt a soft hand nudge me awake. I breathed out quickly, and felt surprise tug at myself. I heard a quiet chuckle next to me.

I quickly snapped my eyes wide open, and I saw him... he was next to me, and smiling that breathtaking smile of his.

"Dear..." I whispered, my eyes blinking away tears. He nodded jerkily, a smile tugging at his lips as he fought away his tears as well.

We gave up soon enough, embracing each other like we never did before.

We cried in relief, in satisfaction, as we felt our souls mesh together, and our lips met, roughly though, to assure ourselves that this was real... that we weren't just dreaming.

"I missed you so, Love," He mumbled once we parted, and he laid his chin atop my head, brushing through the locks in a mesmerizing way.

"As did I, my Dear, as did I," I whispered quietly, and smiled up at him.

"This is... strange..." He said finally, looking around us but never letting me go, as if I would vanish right before his eyes.

"I know. I was so alone, and I had to watch you there," I gestured to the lone grave beside us, and I bit my lip in recognition.

"I wanted to tell you I was here, that I was okay, but I couldn't talk, it was odd," I said hurriedly. He shushed me kindly, and smiled lightly.

"It's not your fault that I killed myself earlier. When you were living, you were the only reason I didn't take my life sooner. You were worth living for, like I said earlier," He said quietly, kissing my forehead. I laughed slightly breathlessly.

Suddenly, we both felt a beacon call out to us... It was not words spoken, but we knew someone wanted us right now. Intuitively, I pulled him with me, and we began our descent up into the Heavens.

As we soared into the clouds of the sky, I smiled and kissed him with all the love I could ever muster up. We would be together now... forever and always.

 

 

Even as those flowers died like I knew they would have at my graveside, my love for him and his love for me never ceased or faltered in the slightest. We were faithful, and we never once felt a pang of sadness or a tug of annoyance bite at our relationship. We were happy together, and lived out the rest of eternity up in the clouds, surrounded by beauty and peace.