THE UNFORGETTABLE NIGHT OF MAY

One night in the month of May

I was invited to come to a children party

At first, everything seems pretty normal

Until i saw you from afar.

Flattering, it might be

That you came to the party just for me

And then, the moment that you saw me

I smile at you like there's an eternity.

My hearts flips and somersaults

But i don't really remember if i run to you like a thunderbolt

People might say

That i became drunkenly crazy.

You hugged and kissed me right on the lips

Which taste like my favorite "fish and chips"

Being drunk is another thing

But i remembered those feelings were so electrifying. 

Reviews

[firabelle]

It's a good poem, but I really think that you cold elevate it by trying different words and playing with sentence structures!

Also, add a little more description if you want to add a bit more pizzazz to your piece. What color are the eyes of this person? What were his/her lips like? Also, there's a few things that I don't get- like 'I smile like there's an eternity'- ?? Not to be rude, but this metaphor definitely left more than a little confused. When I read this, ?I don't want you to TELL me what happened- I want to feel like I was actually there, and that it was the one person that I loved that showed up.

I don't want any of this to seem offensive, because I mean it in the best way possible; to make your writing better. Your piece definitely has a ton of potential, but you have to add a few things before you can get it there. If you have any questions or I'm not getting something right, or you feel that I'm wrong, please don't hesitate to ask or tell me anything!

[Bandit1192]

Love at first sight? Good poem, chin. Keep writing.