Designs For Freedom

Designs of escape

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Designs For Freedom

Like an ironclad coffin,

his relationship weighted his

rambling feet.

 

His black inky fingers grew

tiresome of continuously drafting

tedious designs of parking garages,

attending long meetings

and shuffling papers.

 

His hands longed to touch the smooth olive

curves and silky charcoal hair of

his newest mistress and lose himself

in her warm doe brown eyes.

 

 

He was skeptical that he

could continue satisfying his

nagging wife with his plastic

affections and his shrewd

gifts of time for her.

 

With so little offered to her

how long would she

continue to cling to me

he pondered?

 

His ambrosial dreams were

to be completely free

of his wife at last,

to sever all ties that

bind them together forever.

 

No love remained in

his heart for her,

as if she never

existed at all.

 

If only death could

take her swiftly

away from him.

 

Happiness and success

would flood him

once she was gone.

 

She was the

sum of his

failures in life,

the impetus of his

unhappiness.

Reviews

[Dilan Gray]

I really liked this poem. I thought it was from an interesting perspective and touched on some things that aren't normally seen. I thought it was very unique and well written. Great job.

[erik_nihil]

The seeds of the homicidal exit strategy, huh? I like this poem. Your best that i have read so far, in my opinion. The darkness is there, bubbling in a cauldron somewhere in his mind, and it's either gonna boil over or he's going to be a coward and stay where he is. What is worse? Being a coward or a murderer? Not much of a choice the guy has here, is it? I like the way the poem becomes a narrative, and i like the way each compartmentalized segment addresses a single issue, and i like most of the ideas you chose to emphasize. All these things make the poem a success.

There were a few moments in the language that i found were a bit loose, for several different reasons. For example, the poem opens with a simile that i feel would best be served as a metaphor. Similes are okay, if you can't find a way to turn them into a metaphor, or something else, but when they show up in a poem, usually (not always, never always anything) they indicate that the writer was just skimping through this and hadn't even looked for a better way. Here is one suggestion: "The ironclad coffin of his marriage weighted his rambling feet." Or something along those lines.

The second stanza is loose because of superfluous words. Try keeping everything else as-is and simply removing those loose words. Here is a clue to tightening up this problem wherever it may occur: Eschew redundancies wherever they exist, and avoid modifiers (especially adverbs) and find strong nouns and verbs that bring a much more concrete and concise image to mind. Eliminate those words from that stanza and see how it works: "Inky fingers grew tired of drafting designs of parking garages, attending meetings and shuffling papers."

The next stanza is loaded with strings of adjectives, which weights it down considerably. Try losing most of them. For example, lose 'smooth,' because the skin of an olive implies smooth already; 'silky' works for hair, but 'charcoal' doesn't (see how it defeats the shiny image by adding grit and dirt to it); and 'warm doe brown' is way too much--find something tighter here. The mistress is only a symptom of his problem, not the end-all, and she doesn't require too much attention other than the fact that he sees her as a welcome distraction to his wretched existence. Too much attention to the mistress distracts from the real story of the poem, the story that every other stanza devotes time to illuminating for the reader, and makes the reader think that the mistress is the one responsible for the problems, when its the miserable a*****e of a man. I do think you hit it correctly here, spending only one passing stanza to her.

The next stanza, the only problem i found was 'shrewd gifts of time,' which made me stop to think for awhile, and still got no reward for it. Poetry, in general, tries to create an effect that makes the reader pause at the end to contemplate the entirety of what he's just read, and that pause should ideally happen only at the end, for this reason: The flow is more important to carry the reader through the middle of the poem, and if he must stop to think in the middle, that flow is lost and so is the rhythm and so is the intended idea. So keep the middle smooth and the reflective pause at the end. In the middle those pauses only act as speed bumps. Even after thinking about 'shrewd gifts of time,' i still got no clear image of what was going on, so it slowed me down for nothing, and i had to catch back up.

Put his thoughts in quotes in the next stanza. That would stop the reader from having to back up to reclassify the words just read.

The line "ambrosial dream" was a bit over the top and non-explanatory. Try something more simple, like "The fantasy was to be free of his wife, to sever all ties that bind them together forever." I like the ambiguity of that last phrase--is it to sever the ties . . . forever, or the ties that bound them forever? Subtle distinction, whether 'forever' modifies 'sever' or 'bound,' but adds power.

The ending is much tighter than the rest, and those segmented notions work well as a sort of collage, a collection of juxtaposed images that structure the poem.

Keep in mind that your words are good enough to carry the weight of the poems without making fancy fonts that distract. Try just Times New Roman, and let the sizes and shapes of your lines and stanzas carry the visual themes. You will find that when a poem is well-written, any fanciness or font-play obscures the real effects the poem tries to create.

Hope this helps. I do like your work.

[Ladysue]

Oh this was very sad...the flow of this were perfection...and the details and language within created the picture well...a very good write...

[YouoweYoupay]

Oh, ew...it's what EVERYONE panics about beofore starting a relationship...how long will this candle hold on until its light dims and eventually dies...especially with all the 'distractions' around...I liked this poem because the emotions described were tragicly real. Asswhole non-existant man in marrie's poem...i hate you. burn. okay am done. keep writing.

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

For some reason those ink stained fingers were that of an Iron Fist.
The rise to the top can make one drunk with self importance. It takes
a fall from grace sometimes to get an idea of who your heart truly belongs
to. This poem is like watching a man walk the tight rope with no safety net.
The cable stretches on with no end in sight. The cold winds blow. Yes,
he has his balance for the moment..but we all know the ending to this story.

[KL]

This is quite possibly the best thing I've ever read from you... while maintaining your initial style, it has evolved so much that it has become an original voice. Honestly, this is beautiful (maybe moreso your transformation than the realism and tragedy of the poem ;) ), and I'm very happy that you took my criticism to heart. Shows you're a true poet looking to grow, and grow you have. Extremely well written!

[Poetic Beauty]

I read this the other day. It is an amazing poem. I love the picture you picked for this piece. The details are strong and the idea is conveyed clearly.

[SR Urie]

What a great description of a man's desire for his mistress, and how passion can be renewed through her touch, her patience, and her kiss. My mistress was a wonderful woman of whom I really miss sometimes, and even though I'm now divorced she is the woman whom I still miss, still desire, still remember fondly with warmth and love.
Do you hate me now, Marie? I hope not.
Thanks for the relative sentiment, darlin'. Muah!!! BZ

[Arabdha]

the tyranny that wears down the everyday man..here probably an architect is well potrayed..its really sad how things which are meant to be sources of joy tend to be a burdern later on in life when they become a routine..nevertheless its a reality and cannot be denied..well done !!

[Jim Parson]

This is really well done, Marie, although very sad. It made me feel quite lonely. The picture is interesting!