Death's Come To You Love

A death poem

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            Death's Come To You Love

Even though I gaze at you

In your casket of rest

I want to turn like lovers squirm 

Deep under I yearn

To see you at your best

Touching my breasts

 

Your death is spinning

In my head like a

Like a winning tragedy

Singing me to sleep 

 

Talk to me

This is no parody

My heart's in jeopardy

 

No more running from town to town

You’re a poker face now

Laying there stiff without a sound

At least now you can really pound

 

I’m still alive

But I’m barely breathing

I can hardly take you leaving

 

Forever I'll be grieving

 

Reviews

[KL]

This is an example of what I said in my other review... I understand and appreciate free verse poetry, but when there is no set structure for rhyming it really takes away from what's there. And this is a common thing with you. Read this out loud to yourself, speaking each line slowly. Do you notice the awkwardness in the first stanza alone? It comes across as disorganized, and in this case (since you use very basic rhyming words) it seems very confined, like you could say so much more about the concept but can't because you feel the need to rhyme every line. I think it's a real shame how nobody on this site can give real criticism... 5% of people who review actually put effort into what their saying. Don't think I'm harping on you Marie, but I've noticed this trend in the poems you churn out day after day; you have the potential, you just need to break away from any sort of rhyme - it's not helping.

[Tina Kline]

Wow, very impressive, I love the darkness of this.

[OT]

very poignant and dark!! powerful reflections of pain! nice!!

[KAREN]

Amazing write! Sad and a dark write! I can feel her pain!

[KATHY SUE SILLS]

love this poem, even daeath cannot keep them apart, now that's love!

[*skittlez*]

i love this great piece lol

[D.J. Lutz]

There is much more story here than the words say alone. Great piece!

[xx_strawberry_xx]

The rhyming was well done. It seemed short but it worked out really nicely. Great Job :D

[Linear]

Dark and sensual, death cannot part these two lovers, Laying there stiff without a sound, At least now you can really pound. now there are some words to ponder

[Ashley]

Wow this is amazing.

[E.H. Monroe]

A pretty comparison between death and loss. Done? Sure. But each time It's done its done ina different pathway. This was an excellent ode to that act of catching the breath when a part of you goes away.

And I wish chick look like the one at the top..and liked one eyed freaks.

Well done