life snapshot 1

a small piece i wrote about what its like having schizophrenia

My mum told me about her mum having schizophrenia but she waved it off as she was never effected. She always felt that it was all fake and that my grandmother made it up. She made fun of her and called her crazy, causing me to not tell her anything that I saw or experienced myself. I used to think I could see spirits and in my opinion my imaginary friend was VERY realistic. I could hear things as well. Certain voices came with this disease; they were all different parts of me though, my different personalities.

Along with these constant voices, I would go to bed at night and see the same muti-coloured eyes from the corner. They would stare at me, the red irises surrounded by vivid flecks of orange, blue, green, and yellow. It felt like they would pierce into my very soul. The eyes belonged to an all too well known figure I had grown accustomed to seeing. The humanesque shadow had been with me for most of my life causing havoc in my life wherever it followed. One night as I rolled over and glanced at the spot It normally is in and It was gone. The figure wasn't there. I glanced around my room looking to see if It was just somewhere else but I could just feel the difference and knew It wasnt there at all. Silence took over my room and it wasn't unwelcome at first, till I realized that I couldn't even hear the voices. There was nothing in my head and it terrified me.

I was trying to use my mind to scream for the voice hoping for an answer. I was practically shaking out of my skin trying to find it, trying to understand, trying to know if I was even safe. I was completely exhausted  after almost fifteen minutes of freaking out in my head and I decided I would try to go to sleep and see if it would be okay in the morning. That’s when I heard it: from within my head came a whispered, scared voice so soft I almost missed it:

“Rakin”

I was confused at first, I kept questioning what it meant. ‘What was this word? Do I know it? Is it a name?....’ After that last one something in me confirmed it to me. It was a name. It was that THING’S name. I clenched my sheets in my fists and shut my eyes to calm down. When i opened them It was there again. It looked at me with those eyes that fueled my nightmares. I moved as far as I could get away from that corner on my bed and went under my sheets. That stupid ‘if I can’t see them they can’t see me’ phrase went through my head and I was tempted to laugh but every ounce of my being was still utterly petrified. I closed my eyes and ignored him; I was wide awake all night just waiting till sunrise when I could get out of bed and join other people’s company.