what happened...

Time is sworn in blood, and I am a thief of life. 

But as i shadow upon myself today, here I stand and fight.

As i wake each day i find something beautiful, i wear a cloth like mud sticks to my hands breaking a matter of death.

Relying, little by little i am sick with defeat.

my head sings a song i once knew to be bleak. absent from the world. I live like a squirrel. Blind and feral, loveless and broke. 

i take on the world by sharing this gong. Bang-bang, it's gone. Dead and gone, the fire is within my motherly palm. i hate this, this part where the end of the sky meets another and somehow i am in the stupid gutter. i breech a life without love and sometimes i am that loaded gun.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

I like your new poetry.
"i take on the world by sharing this gong. Bang-bang, it's gone. Dead and gone, the fire is within my motherly palm. i hate this, this part where the end of the sky meets another and somehow i am in the stupid gutter. i breech a life without love and sometimes i am that loaded gun"
The above lines. Maybe dear Cheyenne, we supposed to be colder and harder. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Betty Hermelee]

A harsh life, cold and bleak, gong, bang, what is left to hope for? I share the world with this bang bang.... sometimes "I am that loaded gun" ....a very dark story... but very well told. You can read into it many different thoughts.
Best, B

[John the Baptist]

The speaker here sounds confused, almost manic. There is a general sense of malaise in this one, as though the speaker is reaching the end of his rope. One can only hope some rescue is in the offing.

[Kay Salisu Titilola]

The overall message is well understood, though the way to it seems foggy.
I love your perspectives and your choice words. You might just need to work more on carrying your audience along.

Keep your pen writing, Cheyenne.

[JayG]

Look at this, line by line, as the reader must. They have no hint of what’s coming, no clue as to the backstory, or your intent:

• Time is sworn in blood, and I am a thief of life.

“Time is sworn in blood?” Whose blood? And “time” as a concept, or do you mean a specific duration, related to some unidentified event? And, “Is sworn,” as in time always is, or as something the unknown speaker is in the process of doing? No way know, because the story that inspired the words never made it from your head to the page. You know what’s going on, but can anyone other than you even guess, given the generality with which it’s been presented?

My point? There is no second first-impression, so make sure you shape your approach so that the reader gets the meaning you intend, as-they-read.

• But as i shadow upon myself today, here I stand and fight.

Maybe it’s me, but I don’t know how to “shadow upon myself.” And, while it might be nice to know that that someone we know nothing about will “stand and fight,” for, why do they have to—or want to? Without knowing that, it’s too generic to have meaning.

Problem is, when you edit your own work, your foreknowledge of the situation that generated the words, and your intent for the word meaning, acts as a pointer to story, images, and intent, all waiting to be called up, in your mind. But what of the reader? For them, your foreknowledge of the situation that generated the words, and your intent for the word meaning, acts as a pointer to story, images, and intent, all waiting to be called up, in YOUR mind. But without you there to clarify...

That’s why we need to edit from the chair of the reader, who has no access to our intent, the backstory, or anything but what the words suggest TO THEM, based on their life-experience.

Sorry my news isn’t better. But you did ask…

[keith]

not Woo but WOW!
multiple reads and i find something new each time. you are a loaded pen.
1st line right out of the box no pause but all hands on deck moment
so i kinda liked it ... yeah right, this is my way of life to a T

[JE Falcon]

Woo, lots of emotion going on. A tad on the dark side for my liking, but it works for this poem's message; don't back down.