The Tiger Mask

There is nothing wrong with wearing a mask in the face of conflict.

This morning one of my bosses flew into another rage and almost beat up one of my colleagues, who stood defiant against him and was shouting expletives. The rest of us could only sit and watch, with one colleague sort of hiding under her desk, pretending to look for something in one of the drawers. After 10 minutes, the shouting stopped and the rest of us looked at each other, relief and fear painted on our faces.

The colleague who sat next to me, looked at me with a smile and said, “I don’t know how you do it, but you really had a good stone-like expression. My hands are still shaking over what happened. I’m really not used to this, I’ve never had any shouting like that back at home.”

I just looked at her, mirroring her smile before I faced my computer again. “Really? I’m pretty used to this.”

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When I was about 12 years old I went to a zoo, and out of all the animals that I saw, the one that caught my attention the most was the tiger. At the time, I loved bright colours and the fact that a tiger was a bright orange and could still hide itself among green and brown grasses fascinated me. That, and I’ve always adored cats.

As I finally decided to join fandom at the age of 14, I knew that I needed a nickname. I was joining a particular fandom whose main character's name is Sakura, so I opted for the name Cherry Blossom. But upon believing that there were probably too many people out there named Cherry Blossom, I decided to combine that name with my favourite animal at the time.

And I have been called Cherry tiger online ever since.

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My parents called me all sorts of names as a teen. Because I was defiant, or could speak for myself, I was instantly labelled “rude” and "selfish. And if I forgot to do a chore, I was deemed “the most useless daughter ever”, constantly compared to the ever perfect daughters out there who could do no wrong except me.

I was a tiger who roared too loudly, attracting unnecessary attention, so I opted to remain silent in the face of my parents’ criticism.

And like a tiger with its bright orange colour, I laid low in the grass and stayed still.

My tiger mask was created.

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Every time I heard my father shouting, his voice so loud that I was sure my neighbour two houses away could hear, my heart would stop. I would freeze and after a while, I would rack up the nerve to approach my room door to hear what was going on.

Hearing other people shouting at each other is painful, especially since there is really nothing you can do about it. After hearing enough to make me sick, I just stayed in my bed, headphones on with music blasting into my ears, praying it would be enough to take me away from this harsh reality.

Sometimes I would emerge from my hiding and attack. But being too young and naive, I got hurt in the process. Nothing made sense anymore. Hiding didn’t work. Attacking didn’t work.

This is a waste of time.

A trapped tiger is a restless one. But rather than use my claws to find a way out… I thought it better to use it on myself.

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There aren’t many things in life that we can consider easy. I know this, deep in my heart. These are trials, meant to test you and make you stronger.

But there is only so much you can take before you’re pretty much tasting the dirt on the floor.

“Things will get better soon. Wait. This is all just a part of life.”

I cannot breathe. This mask is on too tight.

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Sometimes, escaping really is the best way to free yourself. Running away isn’t all that bad if it can help you think. In the strong, cold wind, overlooking the hills, I took the chance to take off my mask, accepting what I really was underneath it.

I took a deep breath.

And smiled.

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I still need the mask though. In the face of further trials ahead, there are still times where I need to put that mask on to keep hiding or fighting. Like a superhero, whose real identity remains hidden in the face of adversary, the mask remained as an integral part of who I am.

I am not ashamed anymore. This is who I am. It may seem unconventional to many, but this was how I lived until today. To stay calm and hidden, until the time comes for me to attack.

Everybody is fighting their own battles. What mask do you have on when yours come your way?

Picture Source.

Author's Note

Thank you for reading this! This is a personal excerpt I wrote about the struggles I've faced throughout the years, and how I've tried to cope. To anyone who ever feels the way I do, at the lowest of low, please hold on to that small glimmer of hope, no matter how tiny it is. There are definitely many ways to pull through, and I hope you find the one that suits you the most. Stay strong!