The Begining Of Search till Sunset with Lucinda Chapter 3

  "Hey wake up," Lucinda said in a soft angel voice while shaking Laira. Laira opened her eyes really slowly.

  "It is time already?" Laira said yawning.

  "Yes, now you get dress because remember i am only helping you find Kai until sunset so the sooner you take the less time i help you find Kai." Lucinda said walking out the room Laira jumped out of her bed and changed her clothes into a red dress with a red ribbon on top of her head. Laira then went in the bathroom and grabbed a silver table cloth and ran down stairs. Laira then  gave the silver cloth to Lucinda.

  “Laira I know you do not like oat meal but try it I put fine brown cinnamon in it this time”, Lucinda said while packing food in the silver cloth. Laira sat down at the table and put a spoon full of oat meal in her mouth.

  “Wow this is good oat meal,” Laira said eating some more oat meal.

"I told you will like it, for now on I will only make oatmeal with cinnamon in it,” Lucinda said smiling.

  Lucinda pulled out a dagger slowly  from under  her sleeve. Laira saw Lucinda pull out the dagger.

     "Um what are you doing why do you have a dagger," Laira said scooting her chair back. Lucinda looked at Laira and look at the dagger Lucinda chuckled.

  " I am sorry dear i forgot to tell you the dagger is only for protection i am not going to hurt you. I knew that you can use a dagger because your father taught you before he died"

   " Oh ok then,"  Laira said getting up from the table and handing Lucinda her Dish

     Lucinda put her dish in the sink and put a knot in the silver cloth and handed it to Laira. Lucinda then washed her hands and looked at Laira.

" Ok it is time to go look for Kai until sunset" Lucinda said  opening the door. Laira smile and walked out the door. Lucinda closed the door and then Laira and Lucinda was off on there journey looking for Kai.

 

Author's Note

I am finally done please leave comments!

Reviews

[Chaos Complex]

There are grammar errors here and there. Jenthura pointed a bit out and offered some good suggestions.

I can also point out another:

"Hey wake up," Lucinda said in a soft [angelic] (or) [angel-like] voice while shaking Laira.

This seems a bit more rushed than your other stuff. If you take your time to fix things up, I'm sure it will be much better.

I really want to see more of your writing and I'd like to see what happens with the story and characters. You have all the time in the world to write and plan. Don't rush what could be wonderful!

[Jenthura]

This is going to be a very nit-pickity critique.

First off, the title is misspelled, it needs to be beginning, not beginning.

Laira opened her eyes real slowly.

‘Really’, not ‘real’.

" it is time already"

There’s quite a few errors here. Firstly, you put a space between the quotation mark and the ‘it’. Secondly, ‘it’ needs to be capitalized. Thirdly, she seem to be asking a question, in which case the sentence should be re-arranged and a question mark added to the end. Like so: “Is it time already?”

"Yes, now you get dress because remember i am only helping you find Kai untill sunset so the sooner you take the less time i help you find Kai."

Woah, O_o. this sentence really needs to be changed around. How about this:
“Yes, now you go get dressed because I’m the only one helping you find Kai. We only have until sunset, so the faster you go, the sooner we’ll find (him/her, is Kai a guy or a girl?).”

Lucinda said walking out the room

Out of the room.

Laira then went in the bath room and grabbed a silver table cloth and ran down stairs. Laira then gave the silver cloth to Lucinda.

Okay, why is a silver table cloth in the bathroom? Also, you say, “And then laira did this, and then she did that, and then, and then…” You need to vary her actions a bit more.

“Laira I know you do not like oat meal but try it I put nice brown cinnamon in it this time”

This is a run-on sentence, which means that you typed too fast and jammed the words all together. Try cutting the sentence in half and putting a period in the middle, that will stop the words from sticking all together.

for now on I will

You probably meant to say, “From now on I will…”

Alright, so you had many, many errors and a lot of misspellings, but with training, time (and a lot of luck) you can write much better stories. Try lengthening this chapter and running it through a spelling check.

[Coyote Poetry]

Story is very good. Could expand story in many directions.
Coyote

[EILEEN McGUINNESS]

Nice attention to detail here and apt descriptions although i couldn't help thinking it was just a domestic situation and routine chapter.
Keep up the good writing

[Bexfinch]

um... A little short. But i like it your getting the idea I would suggest that you should for a backgroud in the readers mind so the feel totally emersed in the writing your dia louge is wonder ful to I like how the characters are comunicating but all you chatracters are seeming t have the same personality so you need to fix that right now for instance try to express what your feeling through your writing like in lucid dreamming i wanted to express how micah and I had such a great relatonship we were getting closer you could really feel that . I used really simple dialouge that made it sound sweet and simple. So simple simon says keep it sweet and simple. LIKe look :

"Please understand !" I beg micah He turns away causing me to feel alone.

but kep writing girl your gonna do well if you try good story