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“Come on, baby!” Joshua calls ahead of me before disappearing into the apple orchard while laughing hysterically.

“Joshua, I can’t see you! Come back! Please? I’m tired,” I cried out in desperate pleas.

We had just finished picking apples on my father’s farm, and carrying baskets full of apples back to the barn. He told us we finished for the day’s work, and for us to go run off and have some fun before dinner. After every day of working on the farm we always go up the creek and lay in the meadow to watch the sunset and eat apples. Joshua’s been working on the farm ever since he was sixteen because our families grew up together.

“Joshua!” I call out to him.

Where is he? He always disappears on me. Why does he do this?

          “Ah! Calliegh! Why can’t you keep up?” Joshua yells to me as he jumps out.

“Ah!” as I jump.

          “Aw, Calliegh. Come here,” as he tries to coax me back to his arms. Thinking he can give me his puppy dog look. His Hershey kiss eyes taunt me as they smile at me.

          “No! You scared me,” I shout at him. I play into his game by giving him my sad ocean blue eyes. I fold my arms, and begin to walk away from him.

“Baby, come on. Don’t be like that. I was just having some fun,” he told me as he began to follow me.

          “Calliegh, come on. Stop,” he shouted out because I began to walk faster through the dusty road, and out into the meadow. I could hear his sandals clacking against his dirty feet to catch up to me. I began to slow down a bit. Not sure where to go once I reach the creek. Do I let him talk to me? Do I let him hold me? I love the way he wraps his strong tanned arms around my waist from behind and tickles my hair with light kisses.

          “Calliegh, I love you. I’m sorry I scared you. It’s cute when you jump, baby,” he whispers into my ear with one arm wrapped around my waist and his body pressed against his tightly so I can’t let go. I didn’t even know I stopped or that he was right behind me. My body began to relax, and his grip became looser. He twirled me around to face him, still wrapped in his arm. My hands suddenly squished up against his chest. My heart begins to race as I stare at his red shirt. I can feel his strong chest through my fingers and the shirt. I love the feeling of his warm body against mine. I know his body inside and out. I know his blistered feet to his callused hands. I know his heartbeat to his red lips, and his sandy curly blonde hair. Everything about him makes my body feel like it’s on fire. I’m pretty sure he can feel my skin burning up, and my heart beginning to move one hundred miles an hour. I think you can have a heart attack with that heart rate. I’m too afraid to look up, and see the victory in his eyes. He knows he wins, and my tantrum has passed. His free hand gently runs up my back, and then to my face. It sends chills down my whole body, but I still feel hot. He lifts my chin up, and his fingers tickle underneath my chin causing me to smile up at him. I don’t look at his eyes though. I focus on the shape of his perfect lips, and I suddenly find myself longing to kiss them.

          “Calliegh, my eyes are up farther,” he whispers down at me.

I look up at his nose, so he squeezes my waist tighter until I finally look up at his sparkling eyes. They look as though they’re laughing at me. I feel my cheeks turning red, and I pull away. He lets go of my waist hesitantly, and I begin to walk a lazy pace to the creek. I hear the clack of his sandals again, but it feels like they’re next to me. I turn to see if he really is walking with me, and I see the red shirt. I smile up at him, and he grabs my hand.

          “Are you still tired?” he asked sweetly.

“No, why?” I asked looking up at him.

          “Because of this!” he shouted holding on tighter to my hand, as he ran to the creek laughing manically with me trailing behind. He reaches the edge of the water, and I’m one step behind. I feel out of breath, and begin to pant. I can feel his breathing becoming slower as he watches the creek flow, and the tall grass sway with the breeze. Crickets begin to chirp, as the sunsets. He turns to face me, and pushes me down onto the blanket of the grass. He falls on top of me, but doesn’t put his weight on me so he doesn’t crush me. He brushes my hair out of my face, and I smile up at his starry eyes. He kisses my nose, and I close my eyes. I begin to dream of what being married to him would be like as he runs his hands up and down my body making me feel hot again. He keeps tickling my stomach not sure what to do next because we have to go back in a few minutes. He begins to kiss my collarbone, neck, and takes one strand of hair off my face and then buries his head into the side of my hair.

          “Calliegh, I love you,” he whispers into my ear.

My whole body screams out to the joy of his words. You think after being best friends since we were born I’d get tired of hearing those three little words, but it never gets tiring. Never have I felt most alive with someone. Never has my body buzzed like a bumblebee, or my heart accelerates as much as it does when I’m with Joshua. I feel safe in his arms, in his gaze, I love him.

                            

                                                      ~~

It’s been almost four months since your death, and I’m still lost without you. I feel cold and lonely. I carry your child in my stomach at eight-teen years. I don’t know what to do. The only two things that are clear to me is that you’re gone, and I’m having a baby.

          “Oh Joshua, I’ve been mourning your death for four months. This hole in my heart is not going away. When I wake up I tell myself that today is the day I stop grieving. Then I get sick in the morning, and my spirits evaporate by the time it passes,” I cry over his stone.

          The leaves are turning a golden yellow colour. Summer has passed, and fall is slipping in one day at a time. The mornings become colder, and the days slowly lose warmth.

          I can’t do this. How am I supposed to raise a child? How can I raise my child without you? Why did you have to go that night? Why did we have to fight? I was supposed to tell you about the baby that night, but we had to get into a fight. We never fight. Why of all nights? Why did God take you from me, Joshua? You and me forever, you promised.

          I begin to wipe the tears away from my face, but I can’t control my sobs. Those golden leaves cover that cover the area around your stone look as though Heaven is right here. It feels peaceful with the souls of the forgotten. I rest my head on the stone that inscribes:

 

Joshua McDaniel

A loving son & husband

 

My tears roll down the stone to the grass. My stomach growls for food, but I want to stay here with Joshua. Why couldn’t they have just put me in there with him? I don’t want to be anywhere else, but with Joshua. God, please just let me die right here. Grant me, Joshua again. Send me to Heaven.

          “Calliegh! What in God’s name are you doing laying on the ground?” Joshua’s father calls out to me.

          I sit up slowly, and try to wipe away all the tears as Joshua’s father walks closer to me.

          “I’m sorry Mr. McDaniel. I just came to see Joshua, and I wanted to be closer to him,” I tell him between long pauses to catch my breath.

          “Calliegh, you look a mess. Let me help you up,” he extends his hands out to me, and pulls me up. He wipes away the rest of the tears off my face.

          “Now, Calliegh you know this isn’t good for your health. We know you miss Joshua. We all do. It’s been four months. You’re carrying his baby. You know if he were here he wouldn’t want you lying on the ground in tears. He’d want you to be strong,” he said to me with concerned Hershey kiss eyes just like Joshua’s.

          I can feel myself wanting to cry noticing the strong resemblance between Joshua, and his father. I can feel my jaw begin to quiver trying to fight back tears, and my eyes glisten. Mr. McDaniel wraps his arms around me and kisses my head.

          “Now girl, it’s going to be alright. Joshua is looking up at Heaven and smiling down on you and the baby. He loves you,” He tries to tell me soothingly.

 He lets go, and looks me over to see if I’m okay now. I guess he decided that I’m okay because he grabs my hand, and helps me in the truck. I can’t help but think that I wouldn’t be on the ground crying if Joshua was here.

“ By the way you know you can call me Dad. You will always be my daughter no matter what,” Mr. McDaniel tells me softly as he drives down the dusty road to my house.

“I’m sorry. Was my mama looking for me?” I asked quietly.

“Yes, she was. I told her I bet you were out there again. I said I’d bring you back. Your dad went into the city to get some things today and he asked me to take care of the farm,” he explained to me as he pulled into the farm.

I opened the truck door and hopped out. I slammed the door, and walked into the house. Max, our dog whined for me to pet him. I knelt down to pet his ears, and he rolls over. Mr. McDaniel comes through the door, and yells for my mama.

“She’s home!”

“Oh thank you. Where was she?” she calls running down the stairs not aware that I can hear every word as she enters the kitchen. She pokes her head into the kitchen to see me playing with our dog, and Mr. McDaniel looking grim towards me. I look up at both of them, and see the sadness in their eyes for me. I look back down at Max before I begin crying again.

          Mr. McDaniel’s quietly tells my mama that I’ve been at the cemetery again. He tells her that he’s going back into the orchards, and shuts the door. Silence fills the air, except for Max’s whines. Mama starts cleaning the dishes nervously like she has something to say.

          “Calliegh,” my mama calls to me.

I stop petting Max’s ears, and stand up. I already know what she’s going to say, but I can’t listen to it. She doesn’t know what it’s like to lose the man you love. She has my daddy in the next town over. He gets to walk through that door and hug her and kiss her. She gets to hear him whisper I love you each and every day. I only have memories, and the baby. How will I be able to tell my baby how good his or her father is? My child should just be able to see it and experience it.

          “I think it’s time…” she continues to say, but I interrupt her.

“You don’t know what it’s like! You can’t possibly understand how it feels to lose the one person you love more than yourself!” I yell at her before running up the stairs to my room. I slam the door, and run to my bed. I strip into my bra and underwear throwing my clothes on the floor and climb into bed. I grip the pillow next to me, and cry into it.

 

~~

 

“Calliegh, wake up,” a voice buzzes in my ear. The sun feels warm against my face. The grass tickles underneath my body. Hands wrapped around my waist warm me. They begin to tickle my stomach and a grin fills my face. I try to push the hands away as a laugh creeps up my throat.

          “Joshua…” I call out laughing now, but sitting up.

“Stop, please,” I beg him trying to push away his hands, and cover my shirt.

          “Baby, we’re gonna be late to dinner. Come on. Why can’t you get up?” he grins at me still tickling.

          “Because…someone is a wise guy and thinks it’s…funny to tickle me!” I shriek.

          “Oh yeah? Who’s tickling my bride? I’m going to have to beat him up, huh?” he begins to laugh manically.

“Joshua, stop. Please?” I ask him still trying to pull his hands away from me.

          “Okay, okay,” he says exasperated. 

         

 

~~

I wake up to the sound of Max whining at my door. Tears are dried up on my face, and there’s a wet spot on my pillow. My mouth tastes of salt. Oh Joshua when is this feeling going to go away? Why? Why did you have to leave that night? Why did you have to crash into that tree? I love you so much. I love you too much. No one completes me the way you do. My heart is empty without you. You are my bright shining star.

          “Oh Max, hold on,” I whisper climbing out of bed to open my door for him.

 I go back to my bed, but notice my stomach showing in the mirror. I look myself over. I sit on the edge of the bed. Looking at myself in true form. I run my hands over the life that is full inside of me. My baby is in there. A tear falls on my swollen stomach. Max jumps on my bed interrupting my thoughts. He licks the tear that has fallen on my stomach, and I can feel the baby kick.

          “Come on, Max. Let’s go lay down.”

I pull the covers over my body and Max rests his face next to mine. Our cocker spaniel with his black floppy ears, and raven eyes staring at me. He paws my hands to pet him.

          “My dear, Max why do you need so much love? Can’t you see I don’t think I have enough love to give anymore?” I whisper to him.

          He whimpers at me, and I pet him on his head. I begin to drift off again.

“Joshua, I need to talk to you!” I yell at him.

          “Baby, I’m tired. Can’t we please talk in the morning?” he asked quietly.

“Joshua, this is important. Please? I’m tired too, but I’ve held this in all day,” I pleaded with him.

          He looks at me in my nightgown. My hair undone and messy. My heart beating just for him, and he’s being impossibly stubborn. What is he thinking?

          “Calliegh, I had to leave right after dinner to take care of my drunken father. I’m tired. Whatever it is can wait until the morning. I need sleep. Goodnight, end of discussion,” Joshua commanded, and turned off the light and climbed into bed with me still standing in the darkened room. I walk across the room and turn the light back on.

          “D****t, Calliegh!” Joshua yells.

“We’re married. We need to communicate better. I understand you’re tired, but this can’t wait,” I answer calmly trying not to cry. I know going to take care of his father in the middle of the night wipes him out emotionally, but I’ve hidden this secret all day. He looks over to me, and his face softens from yelling at me.

          Sighing, “I’m going out to the store. I can tell we’ll be up all night talking about this is. I’ll be back.”

He pulls on his pants and shirt, and walks over to me to kiss me on the cheek. He whispers I love you in my ear while holding onto my arm. He walks out of the room shutting the door behind him. The place where his hand was now feels like it’s on fire. I look at myself in the mirror as I hear him drive off the farm. I place my hand over my stomach, and try to see if I notice a difference already. I don’t.

~~

 

“Sweetheart, it’s time for breakfast”, Mama whispers to me.

“I’m not hungry,” I say groggily.

          “But you’re feeding for two,” my mother answers with concern.

“Mama…please? Just let me sleep,” I beg her.

          “Okay,” she sighs before walking out of my room, and shuts the door.

I can see the sun trying to peak through my windowsill. I used to think that each new day brought new horizons. Now all I see is another day where a part of me is missing. My dreams are the only source of happiness my world has given me the past four months. The hope of a new life doesn’t excite me, as it should. Life is no longer sweet for me, but the taste of bitter is slowly creeping up my spine each day. Maybe I should have my baby and retire to the widows’ walk. I’ll be like those ghostly wives waiting for her husband to come back from the sea that has swallowed him whole. Yes, that is what I shall do. Oh Lord, send me back to sleep. What is there to look forward to?

          Max whines at the door, and I take that as my cue to finally get up for today. I dress in my maternal clothes, and walk out the door. I sit in the kitchen, and listen to the silence.

          I crave to be at the cemetery again. To be with my Joshua, but I know I should try to eat something for the sake of our child. I get up to look in the pantry for crackers deciding that I’ll eat them on the way to the cemetery. I find the crackers and shut the door behind me. I walk the dusty path to the cemetery with crackers in my hand, and my other hand holding them up to eat. I stop in my tracks, and notice my wedding ring glistening in the sunlight. It looks beautiful and fragile. I feel as though anything that reminds me of Joshua will slowly evaporate from me. I feel like I’m not allowed to have joy anymore. I can’t understand why I had to be so selfish, and press him to listen to me. It could have waited over night, and then he’d still be here with me.

          Joshua’s father is a good man despite his drinking. You’d think he would drink more with his son passed away, but his passing is the sole reason he’s been sober for four months.

~~

          “Calliegh,” my dad whispered in my ear to wake me.

“Yes?” I asked sleepily suddenly realizing that something was wrong. I had fallen asleep waiting for him to come home. My body becoming more alert as voices downstairs fills the house. Why are so many voices downstairs? Where’s Joshua?       

          “Daddy, where is he?” I ask panicked.

He looks distraught at me, and sits on the bed, “Princess, Joshua was in an accident.”

          “He’s alright though, right?” I ask looking up at him with scared eyes.

He looks at me with a grim face.

          “No, no, daddy. It has to be someone else. It can’t be,” I plead grabbing onto my knees. He wraps his arms around me, and I begin to cry. All through the night you could hear my cries and pleas of “no daddy it can’t be”.

          The next day I went to the morgue to identify my new husband’s body. Trying to understand how this could be true. Still not believing what my father had told me only hours ago. All I wanted to do was throw my arms around his body, and weep. I see Joshua’s body lay on the cold metal board. He looks the same as when he left that night. No visible injuries, just internal wounds from the impact. My world became as dead and silent as Joshua was on that board. It was like the world had stopped spinning and I was left suspended in mid air. I had forgotten there was a child in me for a week until my parents reminded me.

~~

I sit Indian style next to his stone still eating the crackers. The air is different today. Colder, maybe? Maybe I should have worn a jacket today. Too late now because I’m staying here.

          “Tomorrow I find out if I’m having a boy or a girl. I don’t know what I want it to be because you’d make a good father for either. When I find out you’ll be the first person I tell. I love you,” I whispered to Joshua.

Silence.

No answer back. I don’t expect an answer back. I know I won’t get one, but I feel that if I talk to him he’s almost still with me.  When will I feel alive again? Will this feeling of emptiness ever go away? What will fill this void? Maybe I’m just dreaming this whole thing, and I’ll wake up at any moment. I know it’s not though.

          The doctor’s room is filled with the scent of latex gloves, and alcohol cleaner. The sound of babies crying echoes the waiting room. I sit in the waiting room with my mother, but the other mother’s look at me like I have two heads. I look too young to be having a child, and in truth I believe I’m too young to be having a child but somehow it seems okay because I’m married. I don’t face the women in the eyes showing defeat, but I look at my wedding ring. I can’t bring myself to take it off, and I don’t know why I feel as though I have to.

          I feel sick to my stomach, not because of morning sickness but because Joshua isn’t with me to hear the news. I get our first sonogram today. I get to hear what sex the baby is. Joshua isn’t here to share the joy.

 I had already asked my mother to wait in the waiting room. She had argued with me that she wanted to be in the doctor’s room to hear the news. I had to explain to her that I had made a promise the day before that I would tell Joshua the news first because he is the father. After I had told her she had seemed understanding. Why not grant me this wish? They know I’m empty inside so why not make me feel at least somewhat happy.

“Calliegh McDaniel?” the nurse called from the clipboard. My heart skipped a beat at my last name being called. I instantly thought of our wedding day. Being pronounced by the priest that I had taken Joshua’s name in front of all our loved ones. I was Mrs. McDaniel forever. We had claimed our love for each other.

I got up with some help from my mother, and the nurse walked me to the doctor’s room. She gave me a cloak to put on after undressing. She left the room to get the doctor. I sat in the chair waiting for the doctor to tell me what I’m having. My nerves began to act up again, but before they could go any further there was a knock at the door.

“Hello, Mrs. McDaniel,” the doctor said while shutting the door.

“Hello,” I answered back trying to smile.

          “Are we ready to see your first sonogram?” he asked smiling down at me. His face showing lines of aging but his personality shows youth.

          I nod, afraid of what might slip out. Somehow I feel that this is my defining moment. Is this the day I wake up?

He pulls out the instruments to test what sex the baby is. He shows me the screen of my baby moving.

          “Do you see this right here?” he asks while pointing to the screen.

“Yes,” I whisper.

          “That means that he’s a boy. You’re going to have a son. Would you like a picture?” he asks me while smiling. I can’t make words form out of my mouth.

          “Would you like to hear your son’s heartbeat, Calliegh?” he asks. All I can do is nod in response. The next thing I know I hear the thump, thump, thump. Suddenly the realization that there is a human being in my body has woken me up. Joshua and I are flowing through our son’s body. Two people, two souls are combined into one person. I will have a little Joshua running around the house. He was created out of two people’s love and devotion.

He hands me a picture of the sonogram to keep of my son, and walks out the door for me to get changed.

          I quickly get changed, and my mother drives me to the cemetery. She tells me to call her when I want to be picked up again, and kisses me on the cheek. I rush to Joshua’s stone with the picture in hand. I plop down next to him and tell him he’s the father of a beautiful healthy boy so far.

          For the first time in months I feel alive again. I have something to live for. Maybe because I’m hoping he looks and acts just like Joshua. Maybe because I finally realize I’m carrying around a part of Joshua’s heart. I finally feel like I have something to live for again. Thank you, Joshua for leaving me another you. I love you.