I enter the Principal’s office. The
overwhelming smell of Fantastic cleaner ruptures my nose. The floors glint of
virginity under the yellow lights. The walls are spotless white, except for the
perfectly straight photographs hung upon the walls. My guess is not far off, Fantastic
cleaner.
The principal sits behind her desk. The
desk is made of beach wood and looks as if it’d been smothered in lip gloss. Her
spine is rigidly straight against the back of the chair. The chair matches the
desk, beach wood, but it’s cushioned with a purple fabric cover on the seat.
She sits behind her station. Her hair is
pulled back in a tight bun, exposing her broad forehead. Her eyes are circled
with pale brown lines. Her face looks as if it’s about to shatter. Being held
in this fixed state, of superior for so long, has taken its toll. A once young,
playfully beautiful face is worn and ragged.
I sink into a chair. Its hard plastic back
tries to kick me out. But I try and sing in harmony with its grooved back. I am
settled when I notice, the principle stairs at me, it intimidates me slightly.
We sit in silence for what feels like hours. However the clock reads a mere
sixty seconds, we sit like this. Our eyes narrowed at one another, in angry
glares.
“Mathew,” the Principle finally breaks the
silence with.
I put my hands in to the bottoms of my pockets;
they rub against the warm coins stored in them. I turn my stares from the
Principle to look out the window. Outside is the scurrying activity of kids
evacuating school, it’s three o’ clock. I feel the penetrating gaze of the Principle;
however I don’t wish to acknowledge that she spoke to me.
“Mathew,” the Principle repeats.
“What,” I mumble.
The words are hard to speak, I have to spit
them from my crazy glued lips. For so long I’ve been a man of few words, in
hopes of shutting away people.
“I must ask you to leave this school,” the
Principle says.
I nod and walk out of the room. In the back
of my mind simmers a pot of trouble.
I agree with Jim on what he said about writing longer chapters. I have a great suggestion for you. Every day I sit down to write at least four pages of material for my book. That's after I write down major plot points. Your descriptions for this chapter are great. It really helps to add the to imagination of the read. The line that reads, "I enter the Principal’s office." should read as "I entered the Principal’s office." Also the line that reads "My guess is not far off, Fantastic cleaner." Is Fantastic an actual brand of cleaner, or is it your own made up brand name? You have to be careful including trademarked names into your novel without permission. Also do a search and replace for the word principle to change to principal. That will correct that. Why not give the principal a name though?
A very interesting first chapter. I need to know the who, why, where and how now? I like the emotion and feel of the room. A very good ending. I hope to read more.
Coyote
I love how it's short length and sudden abruptness just cuts off right when the foundation of the story is about to come into play. It's amazing! Can't wait to read more!
an interesting start! short yes, but enough information to keep us interested for now!! a few grammar and syntax issues here and there, but they can be worked out later, a good start overall!
hmm. really interesting. mysterious in that only so much is revealed and introduced, leaving me craving to learn more. which is an excellent way to hook a reader to read on. which i shall. i liked the short descriptive pattern you used. very vivid.
I agree with Jim on what he said about writing longer chapters. I have a great suggestion for you. Every day I sit down to write at least four pages of material for my book. That's after I write down major plot points. Your descriptions for this chapter are great. It really helps to add the to imagination of the read. The line that reads, "I enter the Principal’s office." should read as "I entered the Principal’s office." Also the line that reads "My guess is not far off, Fantastic cleaner." Is Fantastic an actual brand of cleaner, or is it your own made up brand name? You have to be careful including trademarked names into your novel without permission. Also do a search and replace for the word principle to change to principal. That will correct that. Why not give the principal a name though?
A Great and strong chapter.. Although short.. very descriptive. And i like it a lot actually. There's no need for a chapter to be four hundred pages long.. Just needs the plot of the chapter.. The shortest chapter i've ever read was this one line "My mother is a fish" Can't remember the books name.. But it's a really great chapter you've got going here. Keep it up :D I'll definitely come back to read the rest :)
A good first chapter with all the necessary components to keep the reader reading. A couple of things for you to think about...pick up any published novel. Chapters are rarely this short. You should try to give each chapter more substance. Also, the abrupt style worked really well for you in the prologue to grab the reader, but I'm not so sure it works once you get into the story. At least for me, I like to see smooth, flowing sentences and paragraphs. Just my opinion for you to take or leave. But it's fun so far and I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
(You start your story spelling principal correctly, but starting in the fourth paragraph, it's spelled wrong.)
Poetry is an echo, asking a shadow to dance.
- Carl Sandburg
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