A little boy rolls around the floor of his bedroom.
He enjoys the way his hair stands on end, the works of electricity. He runs his
hands through his spiky hair and grins. It reminds him of the messy hair of Albert
Einstein, his hero in his life.
His rolling is interrupted.
“Danny, get those clothes up off your
floor,” His mother's voice nags.
At five years of age, he rolls his eyeballs.
A trick taught by his older sister. His eyes scan the floor, he cannot grasp
the concept his mother is presenting. It’
just laundry……
His mother stalks out of the room, huffing
and puffing in a fit of anger. Danny continues rolling on the floor. He has a
goofy smile plastered to his face, a face that anybody would love to slap off.
His rolling is interrupted.
“Danny, pick your clothes up,” his sister’s
voice whines.
She tosses her long blond ponytail and stares
at him with a bored look. Danny nods, he knows better than to tangle with
Lizzie. He walks about to a pile of clothes and starts picking them off. His
sister satisfied, leaves, with a snotty air to her.
Danny is a bit steamed. He goes to his
dresser and opens the top drawer. In it is a pile of his t-shirts. He scoops
the load, an entire thirty and thrusts them upon the floor. He stomps in
delight at his mess.
Take
that Lizzie.
Danny returns to rolling to the floor. The
carpet is irritating his skin but he pays no attention. He pretends he’s a car
of some sort. Blowing spit bubbles pretend it’s the gas, making annoying sounds
for the engine.
His rolling is interrupted.
“Danny, your mother, sister, and I have all
asked you to pick your clothes up. You haven’t so, have it your way. Leave your
room a pen for pigs,” his Father’s voice says. It sounds scratchy, like one of
smokers’. But he’s never smoked a cigarette in his life.
Danny sticks his tongue out at his Dad as
he leaves the room. Danny pulls all his clothes out and makes a mountain of dirty
laundry.
lol adorable! i like this kid, sounds like me when i was a young'n :)
very cute and descriptive.
could use a bit of a touch up technically, but thats no biggie.
this piece had me smiling when i wasnt expecting to, and thats what really matters.
thank you :)
kay--third review! :P
-there is some fragments. I think you need to go through and make a few of the sentenes longer.
-when you have 'his mother stalks out of the room, huffing and puffing in a fit of anger. It seems like the mother would have more impact on a five year old boy?
-She flickers her long blonde pony tail and stares at him with a bored look. I think that tossed might work better, and maybe 'fed up' would work better then 'bored', cause it told him not to mess with her..
once again, cute story:D
This made me laugh. This reminds me some children that I know. It's so adorable at times to see things like this. This story brings those memories to mind as I read over your story. It's a very short story, but it is well written in my own opinion. I don't see how I would improve this story either. I think you did a great job!
I just wanna say, AWWW!!!!!!!!!!! This is an incredibly cute story.... I hope you are gonna expand on this one... I think it is utterly awesome!!! you are a terrific writer! I wish I could write stories like you !
Poetry is an echo, asking a shadow to dance.
- Carl Sandburg
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