A little boy rolls around the floor of his bedroom.
He enjoys the way his hair stands on end, the works of electricity. He runs his
hands through his spiky hair and grins. It reminds him of the messy hair of Albert
Einstein, his hero in his life.
His rolling is interrupted.
“Danny, get those clothes up off your
floor,” His mother's voice nags.
At five years of age, he rolls his eyeballs.
A trick taught by his older sister. His eyes scan the floor, he cannot grasp
the concept his mother is presenting. It’
just laundry……
His mother stalks out of the room, huffing
and puffing in a fit of anger. Danny continues rolling on the floor. He has a
goofy smile plastered to his face, a face that anybody would love to slap off.
His rolling is interrupted.
“Danny, pick your clothes up,” his sister’s
voice whines.
She tosses her long blond ponytail and stares
at him with a bored look. Danny nods, he knows better than to tangle with
Lizzie. He walks about to a pile of clothes and starts picking them off. His
sister satisfied, leaves, with a snotty air to her.
Danny is a bit steamed. He goes to his
dresser and opens the top drawer. In it is a pile of his t-shirts. He scoops
the load, an entire thirty and thrusts them upon the floor. He stomps in
delight at his mess.
Take
that Lizzie.
Danny returns to rolling to the floor. The
carpet is irritating his skin but he pays no attention. He pretends he’s a car
of some sort. Blowing spit bubbles pretend it’s the gas, making annoying sounds
for the engine.
His rolling is interrupted.
“Danny, your mother, sister, and I have all
asked you to pick your clothes up. You haven’t so, have it your way. Leave your
room a pen for pigs,” his Father’s voice says. It sounds scratchy, like one of
smokers’. But he’s never smoked a cigarette in his life.
Danny sticks his tongue out at his Dad as
he leaves the room. Danny pulls all his clothes out and makes a mountain of dirty
laundry.
lol adorable! i like this kid, sounds like me when i was a young'n :)
very cute and descriptive.
could use a bit of a touch up technically, but thats no biggie.
this piece had me smiling when i wasnt expecting to, and thats what really matters.
thank you :)
I just wanna say, AWWW!!!!!!!!!!! This is an incredibly cute story.... I hope you are gonna expand on this one... I think it is utterly awesome!!! you are a terrific writer! I wish I could write stories like you !
lol adorable! i like this kid, sounds like me when i was a young'n :)
very cute and descriptive.
could use a bit of a touch up technically, but thats no biggie.
this piece had me smiling when i wasnt expecting to, and thats what really matters.
thank you :)
“Danny, get those clothes up off your floor,” His mother voice nags. - This should be "Danny, get those clothes up off your floor." His mother's voice nags.
"His eyes scan the floor, he cannot grasp the concept his mother is presenting." I would make these into two separate sentences.
"It’ just laundry……" You just forgot you 's' on It's.
“Danny, pick your clothes up,” his sister’s voice whines. - Again you've written a comma at the end of your dialogue and the same with the father speaking. You would need a period. The use of a comma is only if you are pausing the dialogue in the middle of a sentence and will continue the sentence in another set of quotations.
"She flickers her long blond ponytail and stares at him with a bored look." - I think you meant flicks, unsure.
"He walks about to a pile of clothes and starts picking them off." - Did you mean 'off the floor' or 'up' ? I am a little confused by this line.
"His sister satisfied, leaves, with a snotty air to her." - This should be "His sister, satisfied, leaves with a snotty air to her."
"Blowing spit bubbles pretend it’s the gas, making annoying sounds for the engine." - It should be pretending, not pretend
---
Enough of grammar/spelling errors! I absolutely loved every second of this short story... it is such a great write. Definitely the actions of a young boy... very humorous and entertaining. Great work.
Lol you have to love kids :)
Gosh thats probally gonna be my kid one day...wanting to make mountains out of clothes and tents out of blankets lolz
But it was a very good writing but you couldve put a little more feeling into it so we could feel what danny was feeling more.
Poetry is an echo, asking a shadow to dance.
- Carl Sandburg
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