The sun beats down, casting an illuminating
glow. Dusty roads mark the outline of the village. I can see trucks speeding
down the roads. Their truck is engulfed in a dusty cloud the tires make.
The sun, a yellow ball, heats the patio I stand on; I feel my feet burn. I hop from foot to foot trying to ease the pain of my cooking feet.
It seems funny, that the sun is out. For on a corner of the patio lays a pool of water. It had been raining only a day ago, how ironic! I can see my reflection in it. My white skin is as pale as a ghost, my black hair, making for a startling contrast. My eyes, always in the summer, are a gentle emerald green colour. I stare at the girl in the reflection, she stares at me.
I turn my attention back to my prior activity, continuing to watch trucks speed along the
road. But my stomach churns in dizzying knots. I go inside and grab something to
eat. In the fridge, I find a sandwich encased in plastic wrap. I devour it in
rather large bits. I decide to go for a walk. I slip on a pair of strappy
sandals on.
I have no particular destination in mind.
My feet guide me down the caramel coloured road. My sandals are a pale blue
colour, but the dust covers them in a brown dusting.
I am lost in my thoughts I don’t hear the
honking of a truck. Nor do I hear the frantic shouts made.
I don’t pay attention until it’s too late. I
hear the screeching as the rubber skids on the road. The fumes, of burning tire, waft to my nose.
I hear my bones crunch as the car strikes me.
Wow, awesome! this is really good, the ending is like sooo good.
heres some ideas for it:D
-add a little more to the begginning so we know the character a little better... i wouldn't add more to the end though, cause its really good!
-'Dusty roads mark the outline of the village. I can see trucks speeding down the dusty road. Their truck is engulfed in a dusty cloud.' that doesn't really make sense, and also dusty is used twice....
-'My feet hurt slightly as I stand on the patio. The sun, a yellow ball, heats the patio.' two patios kinda close together, and also maybe you could have it like this, 'The sun, a yellow ball, heats the patio that I stand on; I can feel my feet burn'.
-'In our fridge, is a sandwich encased in plastic wrap', i dunno, I think that might soudn better like, "In the fridge I find a sandwich encased in plastic wrap."
-it seems like there is a few fragment sentences, so maybe you should join a few to make them longer..
Just some constructive criticism! It’s a really great story, I love the end a lot, and seriously think that you don’t need to make it too much longer!!! Good job,:)
I love the detail in every inch of this story! Although it is a bit choppy and rough around the edges, it's still a great story and you described everything very well.
S**T id say get rid of Car strikes me and game over. The poem already winds up in that direction..dont get too telling and let the audeince create it.
It runs fast, but stops at descriptive places like the sandeles and the puddle and the reflection.
You shiould do a series of death peices that are like this that could all be the same person.
BUT NEVER get to the death..the lost in thought makes it mystical..start there
Ouch. I loved the summery, hot atmosphere here. And the story went calmly and leisurly, I wouldn't have guessed the truck would pop up. lol Good write. Keep it up.
At first I thought you were jumping from one thing to another too quickly and thought you could have more details in the story, but then I reached the end and her life ended so quickly and so abruptly that I felt that the small scenes, jumping here and there, were sort of like a foreshadow to how her life would end. Quick and out of no where. So yes, you can add more detail, if you'd like... but I really like the story as it is. Very... BAM in your face at the end though. I would hate to die so quickly without even a realization that my life was about to end.
I like the changes you made, but still suggest that make some of the sentences longer, because if you do it makes it more smoother and therefore more easier to read. :D
hmm so about the reflection... i think its good that you have it, but would change it a little, to something maybe like this..
It seems funny that the sun is out, for it had been raining only a day ago--how ironic! A small puddle of water left over from the storm is near me, I look into itand see my reflection. My pale skin is as white as a ghoast, and with my black hair it makes a startling contrast. My eyes are are a gentle emerald green colour, as they always are in the summer.
or something like that! then maybe after that where you have 'I stare at the girl in the reflection, she stares at me.' have a bit of foreshadowing.
its good to see a short story from you haha!! this one is great! and i bet if you post some more they will be as well! and never hesitate to ask me to edit! i don't mind at all!!!!!!!!
This was nicely done, Chelsea. You've told a good story but the writing could improve. I'll try to critique using the rules instead of the specifics...you don't learn when just being told to change a sentence or word. Be careful about duplicating words, especially in a story this short. In the first paragraph, the use of "roads" and "dusty", almost back to back, is distracting to the reader. Same thing in the second paragraph with "feet". The foot to foot has to stay of course. Also further down..."the dust coves them in a brown dusting." Expand your vocabulary. I never sit down to write a word without my handy thesaurus.
Be careful of the use of passive verbs and past participles. An example of want I mean..."It had been raining only a day ago." Why not just "It rained only a day ago." It's so much cleaner and easy for your reader to read.
Be careful of the use of the word "but". When you use it, you are directing the reader to the sentence or thought before it and using it to contradict that sentence. Don't use it unless it relates to the sentence before it. "But my stomach churns in dizzying knots." That sentence has nothing to do with you watching the trucks. Same thing goes for the use of the word "however". Only use it between two thoughts that you want to refute. Never start a sentence with it.
I see a lot of young writers do this...don't leave your reader to their own devices and don't leave them hanging. Things like, "I went back to what I was doing" or in your case, "I turn my attention back to my prior activity." Just tell us what you were doing before. "I turn my attention back to hanging the clothes on the line" or "I turn my attention back to the television." Okay, wait, I just figured out that you are saying continuing to watch trucks WAS your prior activity. Maybe clean that up so it isn't confusing.
A couple of specifics...
"Their truck is engulfed in a dusty cloud the tires make." Who's truck?
"I devour it in rather large bits." Bits or bites?
"I slip on a pair of strappy sandals on. " You used on twice...lose the last one.
"I am lost in my thoughts I don’t hear the honking of a truck." This needs some type of punctuation between the two separate thoughts or an "and". I suggest a semi-colon.
"The fumes, of burning tire, waft to my nose." Those two commas aren't necessary.
I think that's about it. Great job, Chelsea! I agree you should write more of this type of story. You have the imagination for it. Like I said to open, you tell a really good story, just keep working on your writing skills.
shouts made.?!?!? Work on that. THere are similar expression inadequacies throughout the story/
"I don’t pay attention until it’s too late. I hear the screeching as the rubber skids on the road. The fumes, of burning tire, waft to my nose. I hear my bones crunch as the car strikes me."
Too much I. Craps out a story. Use mixed sentences and reversed sentences. Replace the darn I.
E.g.
the screech of tires reached my ears (reverse)
Poetry is an echo, asking a shadow to dance.
- Carl Sandburg
Hello! Thank you for checkin’ out my page on the café!
My name is Chelsea or Chels. I’m fifteen years old, your .. more..
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