The journey

In life we all face our giant fires. For some a tramatic exspiriance that changes you forever, for others major health problems set, some have never known a true friend and have been thrown into the darkness of the unknown with out anyone to help you, for others life just sucks all around and  you see no way out. im not saying my life is perfect, no definitly not perfect. but i am here to tell you that there is hope that your fire can be distiqueshed and you wont burn up. I am on a jernouy to find this hope and as i seek i hope you will realize with me that you ARE NOT ALONE! 


this is how my journey began:


I have never known what its like to have that perfect life with 2 loving parents and gobs of money. I have never been the one with more friends then i can count. I never have known what it is like to have one day of good health, not even partly good health. I grew up my whole life and i had very few friends. those so called friends would through me out as soon as they found someone better to hang out with or for what ever resin. I was one of those kids you would see sitting in the corner of the play ground or out in the middle of the field all alone doing something I'm pretty sure looked stupid to onlookers passing by. 


Each night before i would fall asleep i would pray to God that he would send me a friend who would love me for me. I wanted so much for a friend that would know the worst of me, my darkest secrets before i ever told her and still she would love me. I wanted nothing more then to be loved for reals. I had known fake love that stays but over time it fades and I get left out in the cold again to fend for my self. This kind of love was more painful then no love at all. My dream friend was a girl who wouldn't do this to me. I used to imagine what it would be like to just hang out, talk, be real, and wonder together. The dream girl would see me mess up but still love me, she would tell me that one day life would be OK. and as i drifted off to sleep praying for this friend I thought it was impossible. I had looked for her in so many people but just like the person before her they all turned out to be the same, two faced back stabbers that through me out when they were done with like trash.


As the years rolled by and i became a teenager i still prayed each night that god would send me my dream friend. This was my most frequent prayer, although i had faced many challenges, health problems, death had stared me in the face, and so much more the one thing i wanted was someone who always had my back. I thought this friend was just one of my pipe dreams that could never come true but still i prayed each night even when god seemed so distant i couldn't help but beg for her to come to me. 


I had began several life changing addictions before i was old enough to know what the word meant. My once smiling happy face began to grow dim and it was a rare occasion when the smile would come out of its hiding place beneath the corners of my mouth. I started to become angry at god and would refuse to talk to him. I blamed him for so long as the culpret who screwed up my life. I believed that he wanted me to be miserable, as if it was his greatest past time to watch me suffer. Time and time again i would try to extinguish my life. when these attempts didn't work i would blame him again thinking that he didn't want me to die because then what entertainment would He have? although these are scandalous lies it is what i believed, after all how could a loving merciful God let a little girl go through so much crap in her life? Was what the bible said about God really true? did he really love me so much he killed his own son in the worst way possible just so he could love on me? these questions rolled through my mind night after night. I still went to church and bible study and youth group each week regularly  but it was so i could convince myself and everyone around me that nothing was wrong with me. I could give you verses, stories, explanations and quote at least 200 bible verses by the time i was 10. I was the first one to raise my hand in Sunday school with the profound answers. But in my heart to me this was just facts and knowledge like in your history books, I didn't believe truly this was real. 


I shut off the ability to feel emotions and even physical pain. I thought if I could not feel and i pushed everyone away i would never be hurt or thrown away again. the longer I allowed myself to become completely numb to all things the more natural it became. Although this is a very destructive habit that still haunts me today it felt like it was the only thing i could do to drive what festered and ate me alive in side. 




When i was about 15 I began to search for a life better then failure and absolutely no hope. In my search I began to slowly see the love and comfort god could bring me. My secret dreams started to unfold and this reality that someone out there loved me became more and more real to me.  


About this time God introduced  me to my dream friend. the one i had longed for so many years, cried for at night, imagined of when i was lonely or afraid. At first she terrified me, i thought her to be someone who would through me out just as everyone else did. However this girl was very stubborn  and protestant. she fought for my trust so hard i was amazed. I couldn't believe someone would do that just for me when they had so many others to choose from. the more I got to know her the more i noticed each one of those secret desires i had prayed for so long was becoming more and more real in this one girl. I had mixed feelings about this, I wondered if this was all a dream or was god finally giving my hearts greatest desire? I have been friends with her for almost 2 years and she continually amazes me. sometimes I cant help but wonder if she is a angel disguised  as a human. She has not once given up on me, lied to me, thrown me out, or betrayed me. She knows so much about me even more then i know myself yet she's always there for me ready to love me and help me. 


so is this the end of my journey? I don't think so, i believe God has a lot more he wants to teach and show me. But as i walk out of the ashes from my burning past of despair and brokenness and into the lighted path to hope and a joyous future i realize  with each step there is something better then what i have now.