faithA Poem by charleybearIf i was to jump would i make a leap of faith?
|
I loved it. It speaks the truth and you wrote it from the heart. Way to nail it on the head.
Posted 15 Years Ago |
Fantastic content though some aspects of the deliverance is lacking. Mostly I think the errors in punctuation, capitalization, etc. need to be fixed and that will help the poem to be more easily read. The words flow well, except for one passage that is a bit muddled for me. When you say "didn't feel so hollow" in line 3, I can't be sure if you are trying to say that the world isn't hollow but you in particular feel that it is, in which case i would use "didn't seem so hollow", or that it actually is hollow, in which case I would use "wasn't so hollow" instead. The other thing was that on line 6 (If I repeatedly screw up, would you walk away), one of two things needs to change. Either "screw" must change to "screwed" or "would" must change to "will", so that the grammatical aspects of his passage will all be nice and neat and tidy. Other than those few small things, it's a marvelous piece of work. Keep writing!
This review was written for a previous version of this writingPosted 15 Years Ago |
wonderful image of how some of us fall off the wagon, make mistakes and refuse to let them go.
i loved this truth. This review was written for a previous version of this writingPosted 15 Years Ago |
Stats
176 Views
3 Reviews
Added on February 1, 2009
Last Updated on February 16, 2009
Previous Versions
3 Reviews
Added on February 1, 2009
Last Updated on February 16, 2009
Previous Versions
Author
charleybear
London, United Kingdom
About
Hi My name is Charley. I am a 20 year old lesbian working at Nationwide building society. I've been writing since i was 11. I know I'm not brilliant but i write for my own enjoyment and sanity. Al.. more..Writing
HowA Poem by charleybear |
suicide noteA Story by charleybear |
silent nightsA Poem by charleybear |
Related Writing
People who liked this story also liked..
In One MomentA Story by Here's What I Say |
ImmortalityA Poem by charleybear |