The Lonely Shepherd, I

The preacher's wife sins. Can he forgive her?

The Lonely Shepherd
Chapter I
 

Linda kept her eyes closed until Matthew left. When she opened them, she saw circles of light moving upward like wayward bubbles on a windy day. She didn't know why she didn't want to speak to Matthew this morning. He had done nothing wrong. He said goodbye as he walked out the door, and this caused a bit of embarrassment to creep into her cheeks.

She jumped out of bed, deciding not to deal with her feelings for Matthew or anyone else. She peeked in the bathroom mirror and thought she saw faint circles under her eyes. Patting cold water on them made it better. Linda examined her skin closely and found no blemishes. Satisfied with herself, she pulled her nightgown over her head and then turned on the shower. After the leisurely shower, including an examination of her slim figure with her hands, slick with soap and the warm flow of water, Linda was satisfied that she had not gained any weight. Eventually, she finished bathing and got dressed.

Linda had the whole morning before meeting Jim, if she really went that far. She fixed herself one piece of toast and some coffee and sat on the high kitchen stool at their breakfast bar. She was daydreaming when she heard a noise and looked up to see Matthew returning.

"Hey babe, you're looking good early this morning." His cheeks were pinkish from the cold.

"Thanks. Did you forget something?"

"No, I just thought we might talk, spend some time together. I don't seem to see much of you anymore."

"It's all those church meetings, and now it's getting worse -- you do remember it's the Christmas season, right?" She was not smiling.

"Right -- but we're both here now." He moved closer, walked behind her and rubbed her shoulders. "And besides, you're gone more than I am." His hands moved to her breasts where they rested lightly. He leaned down and kissed her ear, her throat.

"So, that's what's on your mind?"

"It has been almost a month, Linda. I love you, and I need you."

She let out a little sigh but stood up and turned to face him. He looked good standing there -- tall, lean, and strong. His fair hair waved slightly but was combed neatly. Rimless glasses covered big smokey blue eyes. She ran her hands along the sides of his neck, then up to his face. He clasped her hands and kissed them. Then he picked her up in his arms and took her to their bedroom.

She lay on her back while Matthew kissed her all over, tenderly, whispering sweet nothings as he moved down her body. She felt lethargic, almost sleepy and didn't respond much, allowing him access but not willing to participate. After a few minutes, he pulled away.

"I won't bother you. I can see you are not interested right now." He sounded hurt. As he adjusted his clothing, his hands trembled. He shook them as though they were numb, then walked out of the room.

"Matthew, I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. Please don't be angry."

"Well, when you figure it out, come find me. You know where I'll be." He walked stiffly out of the room and soon she heard the front door shutting.

Linda knew that she was playing with fire but was so bored. She was tired of everyone at church fawning all over Matthew and treating her as an "also here." She had so far refused to have children, and her involvement in church activities was not exciting for her. Linda sometimes felt sorry that Matthew did not have a wife who shared his deeply-held beliefs. When they first married, she attended every service at the church. Now, she usually attended those where Matthew wasn't present. If she did show up at a worship service, there were whispers and titters of laughter although everyone treated her well. Matthew did not insist that she attend worship services. "Faith cannot be forced," he would say. Sometimes, she wished he would insist and take the decision from her hands.

She got up and showered and changed again. She found her cell phone, called and got Jim's voice mail. "Hello, Jim. I think it would be better if we met in Berryville. How about one o'clock? I'm running a little behind. Call me." Jim returned her call, and they agreed to meet.

"Well look at you." Jim greeted her as she got out of her car. The air was cold, and she was shivering. She wasn't sure how much was due to the cold and how much to the fear of being caught. She let Jim lead her into the small bar and restaurant.. Jim ordered drinks for them both, and they sat just looking at each other for a few minutes. The alcohol was going straight to her head.

"Where does Sally think you are?"

"At work, where I belong." He laughed. "Where does Matthew think you are?"

"At home, shopping, goofing off."

"If you belonged to me, I'd be at your feet 24/7."

"I don't belong to anyone, but I wouldn't mind your being at my feet."

"I know a little place close by. After lunch, we'll go, and I'll make your feet feel so good."

Linda giggled. Her face pinked up a little. "I don't know, Jim. I'm nervous. What if we get caught."

Jim pulled a bottle of pills from his pocket. Here, take one of these. It will help your nerves, and we are not going to get caught. For a fleeting momemt, she thought of Matthew, but she shook her head to clear it.
 

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Linda and Jim met three more times. Linda enjoyed the extra attention and the little gifts he bought her. When her conscience bothered her because of Matthew, she shrugged it off. She figured he would never find out, and she knew she would end the affair eventually. Jim was fun, but she'd never marry anyone who cheated on his wife. Poor Sally. Linda sometimes saw her at church where she sat primly by her husband, the same husband who would put little notes for her in the basket as he passed it for tithes.
 

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On Christmas Eve, there was a special service that Matthew called the Sunset Hour. After sunset, the congregation gathered to sing Christmas hymns, share prayers and memories about Christmas. After the final prayer, they all gathered in the fellowship hall for desserts made by the ladies of the church. It was usually a very joyous occasion.

Matthew left for the church much earlier than Linda although he offered to wait for her. He looked good in his dark suit, white shirt and red tie. He added a little red carnation to his lapel.

"The women will eat you up tonight." She looked into his face, saw his flawless skin. "Do you realize you don't have one little wrinkle? At thirty, my word." He blushed but seemed pleased and leaned over and kissed her lightly on the lips.

"Uh oh, let me get that lipstick smudge for you." She smiled and rubbed his lips with her fingers. He tried to catch them, but she was too quick. "Oh, no, not after I have spent an hour getting ready. You go ahead and I'll meet you there soon. I just have to finish my hair."

Later, as she entered the church, she looked for Jim and Sally in their usual seats, but they were not there. Several ladies waved at her as she neared the front where she usually sat so she could see and be seen. When time came to begin the service, Matthew did not appear. One of the deacons said for everyone to get a hymnal so the singing could begin and that Matthew would be along shortly. Linda wondered what happened, but she opened her hymn book.

In a few minutes, Sally entered but sat farther back than usual, and there was still no sign of Jim. Matthew came out one of the side doors and took his place behind the deacon leading the singing. He removed his glasses, rubbed his eyes and cleaned his glasses. He put them back on and then turned and looked at Linda. Then he joined in the singing in his wonderful tenor voice.

Linda felt uneasy suddenly but, soon, the festivities interested her and she relaxed. After the last prayer, Matthew asked everyone to go downstairs and enjoy the goodies. He thanked the ladies and also the men who supplied the soft drinks. Linda expected him to meet her in front of the pews and walk down with her, but he went back out the side door as he had come in. Eventually, he came downstairs.

Linda got a piece of Matthew's favorite cake -- New York cheese cake -- and a diet soda and took it over to him. "Here, for you."

"Thank you." He walked over to an empty seat and sat down. She followed him. "Is everything OK? You seem preoccupied."

"I am. Let's wait and talk about it at home, if you don't mind. Aren't you going to have a bite?"

"Too fattening."

"You never gain an ounce. Your physical beauty never fails you."

Other people started coming up to them to talk. Linda hated that. She realized she hated sharing Matthew with others. Once she had told him that, ashamed of herself.

He had said, "These people love you too, Linda. You're my wife, for god's sake."

"I'm not so sure, Matthew. I always heard there can be only one star in a show."

"This is not a show. This is our marriage." He shook his finger teasingly to show he was not angry. "Besides, you're my star. Isn't that enough?"

She admitted to herself that she was selfish and childish and promised to do better. She thought it would get easier with time, but it didn't.

Looking around, tired of the evening's festivities, Linda said, "I'm going on home. Meet you there."

"Yes, Matthew said. Please wait up. I want to talk to you about something."

Linda nodded her head and left him sitting there, still picking at his cheese cake. She waved at a few people in the parking lot as she left. She thought she saw Sally drive off alone.

Once home, she changed into a gown and a robe, made some coffee and turned on the television, watching this year's Christmas show at the Whitehouse. In about half an hour, she heard Matthew's car in the driveway.

"Thank you for staying up." He took off his coat and loosened his tie. "I'll get some coffee, too." He came back in the room a couple minutes later but sat in a chair across from her, not on the sofa with her.

"This show is rather dorky, but I guess one can't show the real Christmas story on television these days. It's just not politically correct."

"Since when did being politically incorrect bother you?"

"Matthew! What is wrong with you tonight?"

"Guess who called this afternoon, asking for counseling, crying her eyes out?"

"I don't know, who?"

"Sally Backus. You know, Jim Backus' wife?"

Linda felt a tightening in her chest. "I'm sorry to hear Sally was upset."

"Really. That's strange since you're the reason she's so upset."

"What do you mean, I'm the reason."

"It's too late to play innocent or play dumb, Linda. I also talked to Jim -- on the telephone. He admitted to everything."

Linda was stunned. She had never expected this. "Matthew, let me explain."

"Explain? How do you explain infidelity? How do you explain what it feels like to know the woman you loved beyond reason opened her legs to the senior deacon of my church?"

"I didn't mean to go that far. I was just so bored. He means nothing to me. Are you more upset because he is a deacon in your church or because I was unfaithful?"

"I'm upset that I ever fell in love with you, that I ever believed you loved me in return. That you did it with him just makes it so ... so goddamned sleazy, public, so hurtful. I don't know how it could be worse unless you shot me between the eyes. Why didn't you just shoot me, ask me to leave, anything but sneak around like a ....? Anyway, he said the same about you, that you mean nothing to him. He begged his wife to forgive him."

"Did she?"

"No, she didn't."

"And you won't forgive me?"

I will have to forgive you to remain a Christian. You know that. But I will need time, and I do not wish to sleep with you. You must have forgotten our serious pre-marriage counseling, what we talked about before we got engaged. I said I would forgive most anything, but I would never forgive your sleeping with another man. Remember that? I said it in front of you, our pastor and God almighty."

Linda began to cry.

"Did you think because I'm a preacher, quiet, not much of a fighter in the physical sense, that I would accept that? Did you? Do you think I'm a wimp? Or maybe you think I'm so hot for your body, I'd just forget the little matter of fidelity. I could never stay with you, wondering who was next under the bed sheets. I no longer trust you. I never will trust you again."

"I don't know why I did it, not really. I love you. I always have."

"I can buy that kind of love on the street for about a hundred bucks. You disgust me, Linda. I never thought I would feel that way, much less say it. I will leave you some money in our checking account, and I'll go somewhere else for a while. In a week, I want you to be gone from here. Get a lawyer if you wish. We'll settle it eventually, one way or the other. If something comes up and you need help, contact me at church."

With that, he put his coat back on and, not looking back, walked out the door.

Linda felt like her world had blown apart. "What have I done? Where will I go?"
She didn't give a thought as to what would happen to Matthew emotionally or otherwise..