The ghosts are all gone.

Blood is boiling, pulse is racing,
hands are trembling, and heart is breaking.
Look at her, how can she even exist...
in the lie that cant be and the truth that just is.
She is barely breathing and the ghosts have all gone...
you see while death waits for no one life must move on.
She is stuck here now in this in between place
with not even a ghost to help mend her mistakes.
with no reassurance and not one plan...
its not hard for her to just forget who I am...
but I let it slip, that she once had a heart...
and all that she felt... it tore her apart.
I saw her tears but she did not cry...
and when the truth cut deep not once did she lie.
So I begged God...and I waged wars...
I killed a thousand of my own so that I could be hers.
It did not work, she would not even pretend...
that her life was worth saving above mine in the end...
so I died with her...because she died for me...
and now I cry for her...because she is still not free.

I am still looking, but the ghosts are all gone...
I do not try to justify it anymore because I am still wrong.

Reviews

[Lyn Anderson]

I am really entranced by this poem. The intensity of the story behind it -- I feel like there was a betrayal, and a terrible split, something awful, a death -- suicide, or an accident -- it has tremendous emotion behind it.
In terms of form, I might go through it and tweak the stanzas for better rhythm, but there is a certain advantage to the way it sits right now, raw, without apostrophes, and breaks that don't feel like breaks.

[Jessica Lynn Polley]

I was trying to portray this jagged sense of loss...This poem hurts me and that is why it is raw hopefully people will accept that. On another note I just got done reviewing one of your poems so it would seem we were reading each others stuff at the same time lol that is cool.

[Lyn Anderson]

Yes I saw that, and I do like its raw edge. It is a very strong work.

[Jessica Lynn Polley]

It doesn't seem sloppy does it?

[Lyn Anderson]

No, not sloppy, not at all, it's just at some points the rhythm is choppy, but that also gives it a jagged edge.

[Jamie R. Robillard Sr.]

Jessica, I have always admired your work and please do not feel as though I come as the learned sage to the pupil, but I come rather as a peer. A fellow artist that enjoys your work and would love to see you grow. I am certainly not beyond learning myself. And if I ever am, at that point you may dismiss anything I say as the meaningless nonsense that it would be.

A slant rhyme, also referred to as a half rhyme, near rhyme, or lazy rhyme is a case where the author choose to rhyme only parts of the syllables in the words in their work. As in racing and breaking, and is and exist. Versus the perfect rhyme of gone and on. The use of a slant rhyme can be extremely advantageous when a writer wants to avoid the almost fairy tale likeness of perfect rhymes. To express that this level of unity does not always exist in life. Though the author does not want to be so abstract as to risk offending the audience's sense of rhythm.

Though the true rhythm of the work will be set by the scansion and not the rhyming do not underestimate how poor use of rhymes can break the rhythm of your work. It will create stumbling stones in which your reader may not be able to traverse safely to your thought or feeling that you were trying to exchange in your work.

Now I can only speak to the rules not the exceptions. As there are too many exceptions to speak toward. It is most common that when people misuse slant rhymes it is because they are not aware they are using them at all. Either they make no distinction between a half rhyme and a perfect rhyme or the half rhyme itself was unintentional. If we are not even intending to make a rhyme we may not pay attention to the flow it creates. Often in other people's work we might have a sense that something was just not right, because a pattern was just not being made in our mind, which functions almost wholly on patterns.

Knowing what, how, and why a slant rhyme is used can usually help us produce better work. Just like when we learned to master scansion, if we were not born with a gift in such areas.

Slant rhyme work great in dramatic pieces that we do not want to be to organised. It helps set a level of chaos without becoming chaotic. It is also useful if we wish to avoid formal pretense in our work and are trying for a startling effect.

I hope this helps Jessica, If I have been unclear or need to be more specific on a point please let me know.

[Jessica Lynn Polley]

Thank you Uncle understand what you mean now. I will revise this poem at a later time because it is just to new for me to edit if you know what I mean. I use slant rhymes sometimes I think it give more character if used carefully like in this poem with is and exist I do not think I will change that part because I really like it.

I have always been a fan of your writing as well and now I have an opportunity to read more of it which is awesome. I hope you will check out some more of my writing because I think this is one of the sloppiest one lol.

Love you
Jessica

[Jamie R. Robillard Sr.]

I do not feel this work lost all rhythm, rather it missed a few beats. When it is far enough removed to consider editing, then I am sure it will be a trivial effort. And I have every intention of reading all your work here. I just wish that the internet had come along sooner. I have so many notebooks full of poems, stories, essays, and treatises that are all lost forever now. I have moved all my work from facebook to here, because no one reads notes of facebook so most people do not realise that all this material has been posted there for years. But at least it was a safe place to keep them where they did not get lost. On a brighter note, I get to write all the work over again, and this time I will make fewer mistakes :D.

[Jessica Lynn Polley]

I know what you mean...I lost so much of my work before i realized sites like this one. I am glad I could introduce Jamie and now you tho this site because there are so many people here with so much to say. I really enjoy getting feedback on my work so I thrive in environments like this. I am glad you understood what I meant about this being to new to revise because I really did not know how to word it.

[Jessica Lynn Polley]

You should check you the poem I just wrote Facade...It just kind of spilled out of me, but I really like it.

[Jamie R. Robillard Sr.]

I have and I have reviewed it. Feel free to send me an RR on any piece you feel deserves special attention. :D

[yuki]

wow this is really good very nicely done :)

[Frontier]

I like how you write about hopelessness "on steroids" so to speak...

"Look at her, how can she even exist...
in the lie that cant be and the truth that just is."- great line.

[Jamie R. Robillard Sr.]

Great work Jessica, I do not mind the scansion drops, as they give character, though I do agree with the others in regards to the rhymes.

[Cory Barrett]

i don't mind the slant rhymes. however you may want to be consistent with the cadence. content was was moving and dark, and heart felt.

[Malister Mikey]

I enjoyed reading this poem it made a little show appear in my head and it was one of a beautiful tragedy

[Frieda P]

I know this story, you've painted a vivid picture...you can't ever win it seems in these situations. Well said.

you see while death waits for no on life must move on, think you meant 'no one'...

[Jessica Lynn Polley]

Thank you very much and I am sorry that you can relate. You are right I did mean no one thanks for pointing that out to me.

[Frieda P]

All we can do now is write poetry...was my pleasure.

so I died with her...because she died for me...
and now I cry for her...because she is still not free

I meant to say, those lines slayed me....

[Jessica Lynn Polley]

When I got to that exact part while writing this I started to cry that line slayed me to.