Rage

I am falling
I am broken
You say you love whats inside,
But inside I am frozen...
I don't know what it is.
and I do not quite know how to say
That all I really want
is to push you away.
I am not like other people
I do not talk through my pain
I write it all out
just surrender to the page.
You can not be the pen
that I trust with all of my thoughts
You can not be the paper
it would tear you apart.
I am not like other people
I bleed in a somber silence
I do not share my thoughts
that are riddled with hate and violence.
I do not trust myself
enough to trust anyone else
You say you want to know me
But I do not even know myself.
I can not be your solid structure
my walls crumble to the wind
I can not be your shoulder
when all my bones are begging to give in
I am not strong enough to fix you
you see through half open eyes.
I am not strong enough to love you
no matter how hard I try.
I hate the way I am
and I hate what you make me do
I will not look that deep inside of myself
not even for you.
You do not know what you are asking for
When you tell me to let it out
I fight wars inside of my head
I wage battles from thought to mouth
I try not say the things
that I know will break you
But my tongue is my enemy
and all you want is some kind of breakthrough
There no epiphany here
the is no middle ground
you are asking me to fix myself
and I don't know how
Don't you think that I have tried
millions and millions of times
To not be the monster
that resides behind my eyes
Not one thing is sacred to this monster
not one soul is loved
A part of me hates everything
so damn much
I am not the girl you say you love
not without changing every single thing
I am not the girl you want
there is nothing good that I could bring
I will always hurt you
I will always be filled with something sick

A part of me loves
but that part is dying quick
You can not save her you know
your holding on to a fading peace of me
If you would just stop to look for a second
you would see that your hands are empty!
I know you do not deserve this
but I tried to warn your from the start
that this cold callus thing inside of me
barely even passes for a heart.