Son and the Moon

This is just a test.

It was a frosty night, as usual, in my apartment. The thermostat read 62, at last check, and I slept under the mess of blankets and sheets, silent as a tomb.

             A synthesized version of Rhapsody In Blue assaulted my ears, leaving me a groggy mess. My eyelids slowly pealed open just far enough for me to see my iPhone screen read Lt. Pelham.

            “Pelham,” I began, displaying my frustration, “What in God’s name do you want?”

            “Hey, Derek, we got a suicide down here on North Church Street.”

            I groaned. “C’mon, there’s gotta be 3 million people in Chicago, and a bunch of them are committing suicide. Nothing you need to wake me up for.”

            “The population is actually 2.707 million,” he said, correcting the facts and figures as usual. “And even so, this lady was your client. That’s why I gave you a buzz.”

            I looked at my alarm clock.

It read 3:23am.

“When you say my client�"”

“I mean, she asked the cab driver to take her to your office. When he arrived, he looked back to see she was dead. Guys down here are saying pill overdose. Her name was Rita Sanderson.”

“Name doesn’t ring a bell, and the facts make no sense,” I said, “Why would she hop in a cab and then overdose? I take it you have the cab driver.”

“Yes, we have the driver. Foreign guy, so we may need a translator.”

“You need me down there now?”

“Want you. It’s unofficial as always, but I gotta have you down here. Give the place the once over as only you can.”

I was already getting up and heading to the bathroom. “I will be there in half an hour. Gotta shower and get dressed, and probably swing by the Starbucks on 153^rd St.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

 

 

Author's Note

NOTE:

This is just a lil test to see what you guys think of this. Would you like to see this as a novel? Does it seem interesting enough?

Tell me below

Reviews

[Bill]

I like the tease quite a bit, and I think that's your main concern at the moment.

If you're interested in a few stylistic comments, here:

I'm a little thrown off by the brand plugging. Not sure how many serious novels open by giving a shout-out to iPhones in the second paragraph. Why is the brand of the phone important?

Same for Starbucks. Why is it important where he gets his coffee? He even makes a point to give the specific address. Even if the address is somehow important to your plot, I don't think anybody talks like that, certainly not at 3:30 in the morning when they're headed out the door to see a corpse.

If it's me--and I realize your character isn't me--and somebody calls me at 3:30 and tells me I need to come check out a dead body, I'm not going to mess around with a shower or coffee. I'm going to go immediately, because I'm absolutely freaking out that some dead girl came looking for me for some mysterious reason. I think that all by itself would give me more of an adrenaline rush than intravenous coffee. I want to get there as fast as possible to tell the dude why the dead body has nothing to do with me (hopefully), and I'm hoping to be asleep again within 20 minutes. This guy is sooo lah-di-dah about it!

[Steven Cash]

I will take all that advice into consideration

And I will probably rewrite this and post later

But yes its part of his character to be specific

You will see more of that later

[Kenaz]

You are very good at writing stories. I have no grammar problems to find in here :/ I would definitely like to see this story played out.

[Steven Cash]

Thanks

[Sunny Skye]

I would love to see this as a novel you have all my attention. I enjoyed it and it was very intresting to me I also agree withAmanda J. S. but good job.

-SkyeBlanco

[Steven Cash]

Thanks Skye

[Sunny Skye]

Your welcome

[Amanda J. S.]

This was really great! I just have one adjustment to the first sentence where you wrote "It was a frosty night, as usual, in my apartment." If the reader isn't supposed to think that it was a "frosty night" IN your apartment (I don't think a frosty night can be IN one's apartment), I suggest you change that ^^ —Maybe you actually can say this, but I've never heard it said before, and I've read a LOT of books!

Otherwise, as I said at first, really great! I love the way you capture the readers attention with this mystery! ^^

[Steven Cash]

ok thanks so much Amanda

[Amanda J. S.]

No problem ^^

[Angie Diane♥&hea..]

I think this was interesting. I can see this as a novel. I feel like it would be a crime/mystery book. I love those types of books. :)
I like it so far. I can't wait to read more. You need to turn it into a book. :D

[Steven Cash]

Aw, well thanks

I may do so

[Angie Diane♥♥]

You better :D

[Steven Cash]

lol I will

[Angie Diane♥♥]

yay!! I don't have to come to your house and tickle you til you do!

[Steven Cash]

??? what? lol that probs wouldn't happen

[Angie Diane♥♥]

Yes, yes it would :D
Cause I'm silly enough to do that.

[Steven Cash]

lol

[Steven Cash]

seriously? be glad ur in NJ

[Angie Diane♥♥]

Lol I am silly :p

[Steven Cash]

XD

[Angie Diane♥♥]

Hehe happiness