Prologue

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Prologue

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A seemingly impenetrable fog hung ominously over the expanse of the North Wood. Owls hooted in the distance and insects chirped both far and near. It was a pitch-black night for pitch-black intentions. The swampy ground was frothed over by two inches thick of rot-ridden foam. The full moon above could barely even reach into the darkness past the bare-limbed branches and illuminate anything to be seen.

The aforementioned scene wasn’t fit for pauper or prince, but the latter made his way stealthily through. Carrying only a torch and all the experience his mischievous years granted him.

Prince Stefan, muscular build, blue eyes, brown hair and a determined look etched on his face, crossed on the tops of rocks and rotten patches of fallen wood and undergrowth. His stabbing, shallow breaths rose and fell in synchronized rhythm with the chorus of wildlife around him.

It’s foolish of me to sneak across here like this, he mused softly. But then again, my rendezvous isn’t something I should be participating in either.

The young prince didn’t think much else about his mission, seeing as it was just a follow through of what he had done so many times before. But yet and still he couldn’t shake a certain eerie feeling as he continued on.

Suddenly all feeling was replaced by relief as he saw the silhouette of the small shack in the clearing. Silently thanking the gods for his good fortune, he clutched the satchel he carried with him and came to the door.

“Dost the torch!| a voice called from inside.

Crouching as low as his frame would allow, Stefan made it inside and found himself face-to-face with the silhouette of Parasce.

“Did you bring the gold with you?”

“Yes”, Stefan said, “I wouldn’t have sneaked out without it.”

He took the satchel from around his neck and held it out for Parasce. Stefan could only imagine the burly man grasping in the dark for the satchel, as he felt it taken from him.

“Can you make it back to the palace?”

“I think so”, Stefan responded, “I’ve got one of my assistants waiting for me-”

“You fool!” Parasce screamed.

“My assistant Jhanili knows well about The Brotherhood already. He’s the one who smuggles the gold from the treasury.”

A sigh called from the darkness. “Forgive me, Your Majesty.”

Stefan chuckled. “You know, you would have been killed for calling me a fool were you a Kolarian citizen.

Parasce apologized again.

Stefan bit his lip. “I must return. I will see you again soon.”

Stefan stepped back out into the strips of moonlight that cascaded through the trees and was off into the night.

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“It was close but we made it”, Jhanili said after a few minutes of silence on horseback. Jhanili was a man who was in his sixties, but was still as youthful as a man half his age. He he looked, however still, like a man of his age. Long, gray beard, bald, deep-set eyes, imperfect smile.

He and Prince Stefan we travel along Monga road to the side entrance of the palace, where they would be virtually undetected.

“There’s only one thing I wonder.”

“What is that, Jhanili?”

“Are we taking too much risk? The people of Melsnar are more than worth it, but--”

“Will they agree to the slave rebellion? That’s what I'm betting on.”

“With the King’s gold.” Jahnili added.

“The King’s gold you stole. I will make sure there is no discrepancy found. Either way, I will not enherit a Kingdom that thrives on the backs of slaves. That is why we are doing this.”

Jhanili looked up as the palace was about a half mile away. It shined even in the night, majestic and stoic. A fortress if ever one was built.

“Dismount here”, Stefan said. “We can walk the rest of the way.”

“What about the horses?”

“Let them free. Two less horses in the fight against the slave rebellion.”

Jhanili climbed down and slapped the horses, sending them off into the night with the thunder of hoof-beats.

“Did you ever stop to think about it?” Jhanili asked. “What we’re doing I mean?”

“Not much anymore. I just do what I know is right; what I know my father would’ve done.”

“We could be hanged for this.”

“They don’t hang the heir to the throne. And I could always get you pardoned.”

“But they would surely banish us both.” Jhanili added.

“This Kingdom is no longer what it was. In 10 short years we’ve turned from being a Kingdom to be admired to becoming a tyrannical syndicate only masquerading as a unified whole. We look so pristine from the outside, but just about everyone around has been aptly damned by the innocent ones they’ve murdered and the slave system they support.”

Stefan ran his hands through his hair. “My only hope in becoming King is to somehow turn this Kingdom back to what it was. To what it should be to this day.”

While he was talking, they approached a dense patch of bushes along the palace wall that concealed the secret entrance. They pushed open the rickety wooden door, to reveal a tunnel.
    Both figures slipped into the tunnel, making it soundly and safely to their respective quarters. Stefan lay to rest that night thinking that in just one week, the thousands of slaves in bondage would be free.
    He looked at his father’s portrait above the roaring hearth. “Finally, father, I will do as you would have wanted.”

Author's Note

Spacing and tabs may be slightly off, seeing as I took this from the original site I had in on—Worthy of Publishing.com

Reviews

[Hurdy]

I encountered some really great images here, especially near the beginning. The swamp description was my favourite; I learned a few new words. :)

Sometimes, sentence structure could be a little more simplified. I won't bother with the occasional miniscule mistake though, editor's job, and some things may have gone awry in the transfer.

I think it serves great as a prologue, but I would like to feel the tension more. I got an /idea/ of the tensity, but in my opinion, it wasn't grabbing me enough. I feel like this is mostly because I have no idea what is going on, and I have just been introduced to this world - and yet, I have already been thrown into some kind of secret, undercover mission.

Everything else was great. Believable, well articulated dialogue, too. I will be reading the next chapter. :)

[Steven Cash]

I appreciate it, thanks. & I hope you enjoy as it goes on

[Firelight]

You have some great descriptions, but you are trying too hard in some sentences, making it a little too wordy. You have several incomplete sentences and misspellings, so you definitely need an editor. Those kinds of things can distract and frustrate a reader like me.
Overall, though, your story drew me in and engaged me, so you have me hooked, and that's always good!

[Steven Cash]

Glad and yea i will fix that

[James Tyler]

You're a talented writer. I loved your use of dialogue. It seemed very realistic for the sort of fictional kingdom that you are creating. I can appreciate a good imagination, and I can tell your imagination will be taking us on an adventure with this one. I look forward to reading more.

[Steven Cash]

Thanks James, I appreciate it!

[EMF]

OK. Firstly I liked the story. And I know the joys of copy and paste on here. You need to spend hours re diting something you've already spend hours editing. You have a sweet style. And most importantly you don't just tell a story, but you tell it well. It does need a little work though. If this is your prolouge, you're giving a lot away early on. Not just setting the scene and giving a taste, but creating an outline of what is to come. Now, you may confound peoples expectations and turn the entire story on its head, but a lot of people will ready this becasue of its genre and bring their own preconceptions to it. Inevitable I'm afraid in our line of work. As A prolouge I'd suggest you end it a little earlier

Oh I can hear your fans screaming at me already.

Possibly end it a little earlier and incorporate the rest into the first chapter.

However....
Mine is just an opinion. Doesn't mean I'm right or wrong. Might just be I'm an arrogant twit. That's up to you to decide.

You could leave it exactly as is. Or you could make it punchier. The choice is yours. The only thing I truly would suggest is to consider your audience and what preconceptions they'll bring with them.

Damn good story so far though. And I want more. Now that's the true mark of a good writer.

Feel free to drop a line if you want to.

[Steven Cash]

No problems with your opinion, and I thank you for it Chris. I know you will enjoy as you keep reading.

[Sam]

Good start to a great book, can't wait to finish it. :)



100/100

[Steven Cash]

thanks!

[serenity]

starting to sound good