Inhale, Exhale

When it gets hard to breathe I try to take more air in with each breath. I don't know what it's supposed to do- or if it does anything- I do it because I can feel it. Feel the air enter, feel it in my chest, feel it exit. When I smoke cigarettes I like to pretend all my problems are disappearing. I imagine with each inhalation, I trap whatever problems and s**t in my lungs. And with every exhalation, they escape my body with the smoke. And I watch my problems twirl and unravel out to the rest of the world.

Reviews

[Cassandra]

I hear ya, smoking is a release. I don't do the cigarette thing anymore but I definitely feel where you're coming from. Watching the smoke is like watching your troubles be expelled.

[Nykkiicia Cion]

I agree with Ryan...but Id change where he cuts off his line. For example, what I would write is:
I can feel it
Feel the air
Enter
Feel it in my chest...feel it
Exit
That way,by isolating the words enter and exit, you make the reader imagine more. For eample read it this way:
I can feel it (eyes closed)
Feel the air (relax)
Enter (deep breath in)
Feel it in my chest...feel it (chest swells...and hold it)
Exit (satisfied sigh)
I hope i made sense. :-)

[Ryan D. Mosley]

Nice job on this poem, but it could use work. I really liked how you captured the smoker's reasoning that smoking will fix problems. You need to learn where to cut off a line for metrical value. This poem would be so much better if the lined were properly set up.

For example:

I can feel it. Feel the air
enter, feel it in my chest, feel it
exit.

That would read so much better and have a lot better meter if it ran:

I can fell it.
Feel it in my chest.
Feel it enter,
exit

See how much better that sounds. The poem has a chance of becoming very good with work. Also you need to check some places where you made mistakes. Like in line four where you put "breath" instead of "breathe".

I think that this poem has the capability of becoming very good. Overall: Good Job!

[K]

In this poem, you were able to capture how I've felt lately. With the air being so cold and the stress I've felt, I almost feel like I'm suffocating sometimes, and smoking has always made me feel more introspective, rational, and able to let things go. Great job!