"I Sing Myself"-Life Line

This is a personal essay I had to write for my writer's craft class. It is about a personal life line. I will warn you that so far everyone that has read it has cried.

"Some day, I hope you get the chance, to live like you were dyin'."  -Tim McGraw

I stand quietly in an empty garage, which was once filled with life. When I close my eyes I swear I can hear his voice. I look around praying he'll appear, even if it's just for a split second. All I need is one more moment, one last time to finally say thank you. Growing up I never truly understood why saying thank you was so important. It wasn't until he was gone, when I realized if you don't say thanks now, you may never get the chance. Sometimes I wonder if he knew just how much he meant to me. If he knew that he was the one person that kept me going and gave me hope in this ugly, but beautiful world. His smile warmed my soul like the sun on a hot summers day, his hugs gave me strength to climb the highest mountains, and his ways guided me as if I was a foreigner. My grandfather was a stubborn man, a family man, and a loving man. He was my grandpa, my best friend, my rock. He was a man of many things and no he was not perfect, but to me he was everything. My grandfather taught me so many things, however some  have stuck with me throughout the years, to love and laugh, believe in yourself, and to fight till the end. 

To many, loving or being loved feels nearly impossible, but to my grandfather loving was every possibility. Whether he was loving the morning air, the smiles on his children's faces, or an enormous bowl of Neapolitan ice cream, that man was loving something. He could make you feel the love even at times of angst or tragedy. He always found the brighter side to every dark day. One Christmas he ended up in the hospital after a horrible heart attack. Of course I went in expecting the worst, but entered to a great surprise. I walked into a man, sitting perked up in his hospital bed, wearing an effervescent smile which was slightly buried by a long white beard, and gently placed on his head was a red Christmas hat. Most people would've expected to see a warn out man struggling to recover, but my grandfather wasn't like most men. I thought I would walk in and feel sadness, nevertheless I walked in and felt love and laughter. There was a man who should've died, sitting in bed pretending to be Santa Clause, he was smiling, laughing, and saying "Ho, Ho, Ho!" However, the most amazing part of it all, is he did it for his family, because he didn't want them to see him in pain. If that's not love then I guess I don't know what love is. My grandpa loved until his last breath and he made sure we all felt it. Even though he stood an intimidating six foot, four inches, and looked like he could turn you into a pile of mush, he was a hopeless romantic. Though he may have never admitted it-it was evident to everyone who knew and loved him. If a man goes through the trouble to carve paper out of a tree to write the woman he loves a love letter, he must be one. Regardless of how old he got or how sick he was, my grandfather never stopped loving or laughing. 

Brad Henry once said "Believe in yourself, and the rest will fall into place. Have faith in your own abilities, work hard, and there is nothing you cannot accomplish." Personally, I feel as if my grandfather lived by this because he always believed in us. He gave us the courage to shoot for the stars, and in the event we fall, he would pick us up and say "Try again." It didn't matter how many times we failed or succeeded, he was always there giving us hope. My grandfather caused us to believe in ourselves, because we knew that if we worked hard and fought we would prevail. When I was younger I begged my grandpa to teach me how to drive a four wheeler. Most grandparents would say "You're too small; maybe in a few years," but like I said before, he wasn't like most. Instead he helped me up on my uncles old, red, beat up four wheeler, turned it on, put it into first gear and said "Drive." Now you can only imagine how bad of an idea it was to trust a six year old with a three hundred pound machine, but grandpa believed in me. Yes, I nearly flipped over the four wheeler and almost gave him a heart attack, but he didn't get angry with me or tell me to never drive again. He simply took a deep breath, and said "Try again, but this time go slow." To a little girl that meant the world because he believed that I would succeed. Now, whenever I feel like giving up, I think about that day and say to myself "Try again". 

To make it through life you must fight till the end, or else you will never win. My grandpa fought with everything he had and he never gave up. His strength is the reason why he lived for so long and why he accomplished so much. The last four years of his life were spent fighting. He was fighting cancer, had four heart attacks, mini strokes, was on dialysis, and never did he ever give up. Even though his body couldn't physically go on he still did. He fought until his body couldn't. My grandfather was the strongest person I ever met. To me he was superman. Even though kryptonite got the best of him and eventually defeated him, he was still strong. My grandpa was the kind of man that lived to the fullest. He truly 'lived like he was dying'. He taught me so much and I feel like I am a stronger person because of him. Whenever I feel like throwing in the towel, I think about all the horrible things he fought. Time after time he was told bad news, and not once did he say game over. If my grandpa could still hold his head high after being told he had cancer or needed heart surgery, then I know I'm going to be okay. 

Today as I stand in this quiet garage, it doesn't feel so empty anymore. Yes, he may not be here working on his van or covered in grease, but he is still here. Standing here it all makes sense, I can see things through his eyes. I think I understand why he liked his garage so much. It was a place were he could fix the broken and turn them into something beautiful. When people ask me who my life line is, I say my grandpa. When they ask "Why?" well that's another story. You see, my grandpa didn't do one act to open my eyes, he did many. My grandpa saved me in ways I never knew were possible. He showed me how to live. He taught me how to love and laugh, how to believe in myself, and to fight till the end. When I think about him I think about these things, my eyes are now open. My grandpa's ways remind me of the song "Amazing Grace", because "Once blind, but now I see."