tears

free verse poem on how i've accepted a part of myself

i am eight

a river of tears beautifully flow down my face

my brother mocks me, "crybaby!" he shouts

the river turns rapid and now i can't stop it as it rushes over my cheeks

"you're so sensitive, stop crying!" 

i am twelve 

with my fists clenched and my teeth biting down on my tongue to keep it from lashing out

"white people don't claim you, go back to Asia you half asian chink!" 

no ounce of sadness is in my body, yet i feel my eyes begin to leak the salty water that i've grown to hate so much 

stop crying, stop crying, stop crying

i am thirteen

 

i stare at myself in the mirror and watch as my eyes grow watery 

soon my tears begin to fall, dripping down my small eyes and passing my big nose, i begin to mutter the two words that by now seem all too familiar,

stop crying, stop crying, stop crying

i am fourteen

i watch with glassy eyes as my father yells at me and waves my test grade in my face

when my throat begins to burn and my vision blurs from my tears, I ignore every insult he screams and focus on the two important words 

stop crying, stop crying, stop crying

i am fifteen

i listen as the one i thought i loved throws jabs at my heart with every word he says

"I hope you know, I'm sick of pretending that i love you, i loved your body and your innocence but you're too much of a b***h to give that up to me despite all i did for you"

tears brim the corner of my eyes and i want to say something back, i want to tell him off, i want to let loose the fiery strong woman in me as she shouts inside of my head

stop crying, stop crying, stop crying!

i am fifteen

i stare at my grandfather's casket feeling numb

everyone is weeping but i don't shed a tear 

time passes and it's time to go

no tears fall on the drive home

when i am finally alone, surrounded by the comfortable presence of myself my eyes produce the ocean that i was beginning to miss 

a small voice whispers reassuringly, 

it's ok to cry, it's ok to cry, it's ok to cry

i am fifteen

and my best friend tearfully explains to me what happened

her pain becomes my pain

i begin to cry with her

"thank you for always understanding and always being there for me, i love you" she bawls 

we envelop each other and all i can think is 

don't forget how much i love you too

"don't forget how much i love you too" i softly speak

i am fifteen

the boy i've started to forget roughly puts his demanding hands all over my body

powerful tears flow freely down my face as i kick and scream 

i no longer care that tears are associated with being weak, i don't focus on stopping them, instead i think about all the strong woman who have been in the terrifying situation that i am in

anger builds up more and more

kick after kick he falls off the ground

i stare at him with disgust as he begins to cry from the physical pain i've caused him 

truthfully, i do not cry when i scrape my knee

i cry when the ones i love demean me

i do not cry when i fall down,

i cry when others degrade the culture i'm proud of,

i cry when i do not know how to love myself,

i cry when my love turns out to be a lie,

i cry when it's time to say goodbye,

i cry when others are in pain

i have learned that my tears do not make me weak, they make me strong

they are my powerful emotions that have fought through the barriers of my eyes 

sensitivity is nothing to be ashamed of, not when it ties into empathy. 

Author's Note

I'm not sure if this counts as a poem but more a badly written story to be honest, but i think it counts a poem. I just had to get my emotions out, ironically i was crying when i started to write this!