Fade (Senryu)

My attempt at a Senryu

Needle hits the ground:

Falls to his knees scared of death,

Eyes close, fade away.

Author's Note

Let me know your thoughts... first attempt I have posted. Worth a try

Reviews

[Confuser]

Aaron: Couldn't imagine trying to write 17 syllables; in addition, the content. You hit me between the eyes with a powerful write, the visual is stunning. You should be proud. Very well done indeed. To fall and be in fear of death, wow, imagery is so emotionally powerful, I'm probably silly, I'm wondering what was he writing when the pen dropped. Great writing. Thanks. Dale

[AaronFreitas]

Thanks very much Dale... the secret can't be revealed lol ... appreciate your review my friend :)

[Confuser]

You're welcome Aaron: Wouldn't help me one tiny bit! Awesome...;D

[dan]

Aaron, When I read this I thought of the old Neil Young song, "The Needle and the Damage Done." Such a greatly written reminder of how tragic the world of syringes, needles and track marks really is. Great senryu. take care...dan

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much Dan... I am pulling that song up to listen to it now :) Appreciate your review my friend... definitely a tragedy how needles and syringes take lives... be it intentional or accidental.

[dan]

Aaron, May I say something totally honest to you? I hope that you don't take it wrong. This senryu showed me just a brief glimpse of your tremendous writing talent. If you strive to be more consistent in your writes I will be able to label you one of the 5 best poets on WC. Some of your writes seem a bit rushed, the relevant lines a little bit forced. I'm a pretty good judge of talent and I see in you someone who has a vast storehouse of talent that you have only scratched the surface of. And don't think you are too old for that to happen. I'm probably at least 2-and-a-half times as old as you, and I don' think that I have quite reached my potential...though I have a lot less than you to unearth. I am not telling you to do anything, just soak in these words, think a little bit and show the world the best Aaron Freitas that is out there. take care...dan

[Bluefire]

Very interesting, makes you wish there was more, like a cliff hanger.
Well done.

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much Bluefire :) Appreciate the review

[W R Stowe]

sounds good to me but you may be over 17

[AaronFreitas]

Where do you count more than 17? I count 5, 7, 5.

[W R Stowe]

you are on your toes aren't you I'm seeing double lol

[AaronFreitas]

haha gotcha

[Tom McRoberts]

This is wonderful. With each line down the page there is further downward momentum made in the text itself ('hits the ground', 'falls', 'eyes close'). It's really effective and drives the idea that heroin really does drive people down to their lowest point. Great work, man, keep it up!

[AaronFreitas]

Man heroin does drive people down and fast! Luckily I don't know anyone that has ever had that addiction.. thank God. I appreciate your review Tom... thank you! :)

[Julia Mars]

Dark and deep, it speaks to the overpowering and the helplessness of addiction.
Fine 'attempt' indeed.

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you Julia :) Addiction can over take people and there is always that fine line of a good high and an overdose... wanted this piece to show the harsh truth in addiction. Thanks :)

[Sami Khalil]

What to say but to applaud you and your creativity. Bravo,sir....:).....

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you Sami.... appreciate you taking the time to read and comment my friend :)

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome...:)......

[Jeyanthi]

The emotions are sequenced very well, a scared person surrendering to the fate.
Its a good try too. :)

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you Jeyanthi... tried to create the image for the reader :)

[Bushra Naqshbandi]

The senryu is so expressive. It convey a deep meaning in such a less number of words. Beautifully composed! :)

Needle hits the ground:
I liked the way you personified the needle. It brings out the meaning clearly. :)
Falls to his knees scared of death,
The imagery is excellent. Nicely written. :)
Eyes close, fade away.
The line is so deep. Wow! :)

A great write-up. Way to go! :)

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much Bushra! I appreciate the review very much :)

[Bushra Naqshbandi]

You're welcome! :)

[♥ Ari Skye ♥]

I think you did a wonderful job, Aaron! I have yet to attempt a senryu, so I applaud you for having the testicular tenacity to do so.. Hehe Did you like the fancy way I said having the balls? LOL!

It was a great piece in my opinion. Keep at it!

[AaronFreitas]

haha very creative way to say that lol... I was definitely worried about posting it... it was a little different for me. I was like what if people hate it! haha but it turned out well :) I appreciate you, your review and you kind words :)

[♥ Ari Skye ♥]

I heard that somewhere and have just been waiting for the right time to use it.. LOL..
You know sometimes, you just have to write for you and not give a s**t what other people think. I learned that from a very wise man (*stage whispers* Mr. Mesa). Haha.

But seriously, if you like it, it doesn't really matter what others think. Yeah, having positive reviews it what all writers really want, but you'll always have that d****e that wants to be a smartass about things.
Keep writing them. I think you did an amazing job, & you know I won't lie to you...

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you Nikki :)

[Emily]

Wow! You say so much with so little words...Beautiful!

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you Emily... I appreciate your comments my friend. Always good to see you pop up on here :)