Fade (Senryu)

My attempt at a Senryu

Needle hits the ground:

Falls to his knees scared of death,

Eyes close, fade away.

Author's Note

Let me know your thoughts... first attempt I have posted. Worth a try

Reviews

[Confuser]

Aaron: Couldn't imagine trying to write 17 syllables; in addition, the content. You hit me between the eyes with a powerful write, the visual is stunning. You should be proud. Very well done indeed. To fall and be in fear of death, wow, imagery is so emotionally powerful, I'm probably silly, I'm wondering what was he writing when the pen dropped. Great writing. Thanks. Dale

[AaronFreitas]

Thanks very much Dale... the secret can't be revealed lol ... appreciate your review my friend :)

[Confuser]

You're welcome Aaron: Wouldn't help me one tiny bit! Awesome...;D

[SheIsMe]

I adore haiku poetry and this was superb. It's amazing what 17 syllables can do and the imagery they can contain. Well done!

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much! It wasn't easy to come up with what I wanted but it ended up working out :)

[Pryde Foltz]

There is a proverb … it is easier for a camel to go through a needle than rich man into heaven. I say you have created a layered and in evocative piece

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you so much for your review :) This is one of my favorite writes and 1 of only 2 attempts at a Senryu/Haiku. I am glad you liked it :)

[Christopher Zuelke]

So much from so little... it takes true talent to do that, my friend. Burabō!

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much :) I tried my best and it's not the easiest format to write in but it is fun and challenging. I've only done 2 in this format so I am glad you liked this one :)

[Daisy]

wow..... three sentence and a huge concept.... wonderful............... when eyes are closed due to fear of death ... you really die even if you don't die in reality

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much Daisy :) This was my very first one of these I posted and was scared to post it but I am glad you enjoyed it :) It has served its purpose :)

[Daisy]

well it's true that people have fear for criticism but live is beyond this fear so go no and don't fear much i am also trying to publish my book with the same fear :)

[Roland Petrov]

My cousin, a heroin addict, died this way at age 24, though I can't be sure that he was scared of death while he choked on his vomit. You are a senryu (or haiku in my opinion) writer! Keep doing it.

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much Roland... yeah not too sure if many are scared of death when it comes to addiction... you have a good point. Thanks for your feedback I appreciate it. When I first posted the readers went back and forth on Senryu or Haiku so it ended up going to Senryu haha

[Roland Petrov]

A Handbook to Literature by Holman and Harmon (Macmillan, 1992) states that senryu "has a lighter mood" and "haiku poetry is deeply serious". A Handbook to Literature is what I've been going by.

[AaronFreitas]

Makes perfect sense :)

[I Am Svetlana]

Very powerful write. Reminds of a drug addict before they die. They imagine what life could be if only they were normal. But they don't care whether they live or die anymore.

[AaronFreitas]

Spot on what I was thinking of when I was writing it :)

[Einahpets2012]

This paints a very sad moment like something that breaks you down literally

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you armywife :) This was my first try at a senryu and I was so happy people liked it... hard to get that emotion in such few words :) Thanks for reviewing

[Leena Madhuri]

WoW! You are very talented!!!!

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you... this was my first attempt at a Senryu :) I am glad you liked it

[silent poet]

honestly, with this I felt peace. People perceive what their heart or mind wants to and even then it's uncontrollable to completely justify a thought or a feel.. short and deep.. NICE!

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you... it was my attempt at a Senryu... I don't know too much about formats and stuff but I like to write so I gave it a try :)

[AaronFreitas]

I don't remember if I sent you a request but check out my new one... it's called padded room I think... something a little different :)

[silent poet]

yes! just reviewed it, :) I have been reading your work since I came online.. you'ere one my favorites by far

[AaronFreitas]

Yay I appreciate that :)

[silent poet]

:) Always a pleasure

[Chirag Kumar]

Tons of emotions in this short piece. Amazing brother. I wish I could write such poems but I am not able to understand the concept of Haiku and Senryu.

[AaronFreitas]

I took my best shot... the two I have recently are the only two I've done. It's tough but fun :)