A Childhood Memory

Decided to write a short story about a dark moment in my life.

“I want to go live with my dad.” These are not the words any mother wants to hear, especially from her fourteen-year-old son who is still too scared to step up to his stepfather. I uttered those words to my mother and stepfather and for that summer, I lived in regret for every speaking those hurtful words.  I remember the agony as if it were yesterday.  I can remember shaking in pain; my body completely numb from the tips of my hair down to my toes. The verbal abuse, physical beatings became too much to stomach.  I could no longer allow myself to accept feeling this way.  I could no longer come home with a smile only to be called a worthless b*****d; no one deserves that and at that age, no person is strong enough to brush it off. 

 

I think back to a depressing night, one of the worst nights of my life.  I vividly remember hearing my mom argue with my step-dad over me.  I walked into the living room while no one was in there and grabbed a box from the top cabinet.  Walked back to my room, sat on the bed’s edge.  I can still taste the metal in my mouth when I think about it; the taste of death.  A loaded .45 Smith and Wesson rested on my teeth as tears poured down my face. 

 

My breathing sputtered rapidly.  My heart pumped faster than ever before.  Flashes of the people I loved most raced through my mind.  Smiles of my sisters, images from playing baseball and laughter from family members were all light speed dreams streaming through my mind.  I was seconds away from pulling the trigger; I just couldn’t do it.  I set the gun back in the box, rested on my bed and cried for hours.  My two sisters were in their room asleep.  My parents- in their room arguing over a worthless child they did not create together.

 

 I prayed that night, over and over.  I begged for God, if there was a God, to get me out of that situation.  I remember pleading, “Why Me! Why Me!!!!!” It is a night I’ll never forget yet will never regret.

 

I was merely seconds from hell but my guardian angel somehow saved me.  I am grateful for that moment.  I can shamelessly talk to you about it seventeen years later.  I write this hoping that it touches someone, reaches someone in need.  There are better days ahead; suicide is never an option.  Just think about the people you love and how long their hearts will bleed over you.  Had it not been for visions of my sisters crying for me, I would not be here to tell this story.  God works in mysterious ways.  I have been blessed enough to have been saved from self-destruction.  Why?  Well, that purpose I am still searching for.  I am still writing the book of my life each and every day.  Just think of all the memories and how different so many lives would be had I gone through and ended my life that night.  Thank God I didn’t.

Author's Note

Let me know your thoughts...

Reviews

[sereenaoutloud]

such an honest, raw and very personal write Aaron. The mum in me was heartbroken that this is even in your childhood memory bank :(( Just so much to have had to contend with at such a young age. You are correct i have no doubt this will help someone. Thank you for being so open and sharing. The world is a better place with you in it my friend!! Your purpose...just look at your 4 girlies and you have your answer :))

[AaronFreitas]

Awww thanks.... you made my night my friend :)

[sereenaoutloud]

awwww your welcome :)

[JayceeC]

Aaron, thank you for sharing this. To me this is a reminder that everyday I walk in my classroom, there may be one student hiding in a world of pain that no one knows about. As children we are very good at keeping secrets, hiding the ugliness that we don't know how to share and fear no one will ever understand. I'm not sure we ever really know our purpose or what one little action can mean for someone else. This one write may impact a kid that will someday solve some world problem, or it may only sit here for the rest of us to contemplate. The point is we do not ever really know any of it. We can only live each day in kindness, not being that extra burden that causes the kid to pull the trigger. That breaking point can be such a fine line. I applaud your willingness to share this with us, and others who need to know they are not alone in that moment, but it can pass, and life can get better. Pax by friend. ~Jan

[AaronFreitas]

It is a harsh truth that when you walk in your classroom there is at least one kid hiding his/her pain. No one ever knew especially at school. Once I left home I was happy, free and living life. I guess I learned at a very young age to hide feelings and bottle things up daily. Thanks for your review my friend I appreciate it :)

[JayceeC]

Always Aaron Always. {:-)

[Jamestown]

Praise Jesus! You said it perfect "God works in mysterious ways"
This piece is raw and powerful, we are all thankful that you are here
and well, thanks for sharing and b-blessed!

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you James... it was as honest as I could write it :)

[modtoddinc]

Thank you for sharing this deep and personal experience from your past, glad your around to share it with us now.

~peace, Todd

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you Todd.... I appreciate your review my friend :)

[wordman]

it is a shame that anyone would be put in that position,many kids have to go through this
and have everlasting scars

[AaronFreitas]

Yeah and most kids do it secretly. I am pretty sure no one in my family knows about it. Thanks for the review my friend :)

[wordman]

you are welcome

[....................]

Glad you are here to continue to work on the book, Aaron. Thanks you for sharing this part of yourself. There is no need to feel shamed about anything in your past, dear friend, for that is where the shame is best left... back there. You have a new lease on life; a new beginning from which to explore the wonderful world around you... great write that has left me proud to be a friend on your page. All the best, FT.

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you FT that means a lot. :)

[Haley Wilson]

Jesus. This piece really tugs on your heart and jerks it until the very end. Nevertheless, the work is still phenomenal. :)

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you Haley! I appreciate your kind words my friend :)

[R Smith]

as you say Aaron suicide is never an option, for me that's a spiritual thing so has no place here because this is a very sad tale about a child suffering because of the abuse handed out by uncaring parents, i can remember having an unhappy time as a child although not from my parents who did their best, mine was more from the school bullies of which there always seem to be too many, its a tribute to you that you had the strength to put that gun away and face the life you were in, it takes some nerve and being very stressed out to end your life but its braver to face life and continue on against the odds. I'm guessing God led you away from the abuse and set you on the path to where you are now, the purpose has already begun, just writing here is proof you had something of value to offer, while you're young you can move forward and become whatever you wish, don't miss that chance, i'm sure the fact you chose to live on has given happiness to many so go forward my friend and show us what we might have missed, live your time here :)

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you Richard. Unfortunately I backed out and went through everything another two years before I moved out at 16. I think I wrote about that but I cant remember which poem it was. Everything happens for a reason. As I age and grow as a person I see things a little clearer. Thanks for the review my friend.

[TheOne&Only]

Very sad I can feel the pain and anguish... At the same time and most importantly the 'Hope'. It is definitely a boost of motivation to go another day. Thank you.

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you my friend.... glad it reached you :) There is always motivation for another day... sometimes it's just hard to find :)

[andrew mitchell]

You survived Aaron and your journey making the split decision making is a good story to share and look you are on WC now and part of peoples lives around the world now:):)

[AaronFreitas]

Thanks my friend for your kind words :)

[Einahpets2012]

The purpose is to tell people your story and help others through whatever situation there going through, this is a good write and full of emotion and detail, i'm sorry you had to go through that as a child no one deserves it. And it took a lot to write this and I thank you for doing that I know looking back at something like this isn't easy but you've realized your strength and your able to tell your story and put the message out there that suicide isn't the way to go, thank you for this.

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you my friend :) Hoping it does reach someone in need of this story and it saves someone.