A Childhood Memory

Decided to write a short story about a dark moment in my life.

“I want to go live with my dad.” These are not the words any mother wants to hear, especially from her fourteen-year-old son who is still too scared to step up to his stepfather. I uttered those words to my mother and stepfather and for that summer, I lived in regret for every speaking those hurtful words.  I remember the agony as if it were yesterday.  I can remember shaking in pain; my body completely numb from the tips of my hair down to my toes. The verbal abuse, physical beatings became too much to stomach.  I could no longer allow myself to accept feeling this way.  I could no longer come home with a smile only to be called a worthless b*****d; no one deserves that and at that age, no person is strong enough to brush it off. 

 

I think back to a depressing night, one of the worst nights of my life.  I vividly remember hearing my mom argue with my step-dad over me.  I walked into the living room while no one was in there and grabbed a box from the top cabinet.  Walked back to my room, sat on the bed’s edge.  I can still taste the metal in my mouth when I think about it; the taste of death.  A loaded .45 Smith and Wesson rested on my teeth as tears poured down my face. 

 

My breathing sputtered rapidly.  My heart pumped faster than ever before.  Flashes of the people I loved most raced through my mind.  Smiles of my sisters, images from playing baseball and laughter from family members were all light speed dreams streaming through my mind.  I was seconds away from pulling the trigger; I just couldn’t do it.  I set the gun back in the box, rested on my bed and cried for hours.  My two sisters were in their room asleep.  My parents- in their room arguing over a worthless child they did not create together.

 

 I prayed that night, over and over.  I begged for God, if there was a God, to get me out of that situation.  I remember pleading, “Why Me! Why Me!!!!!” It is a night I’ll never forget yet will never regret.

 

I was merely seconds from hell but my guardian angel somehow saved me.  I am grateful for that moment.  I can shamelessly talk to you about it seventeen years later.  I write this hoping that it touches someone, reaches someone in need.  There are better days ahead; suicide is never an option.  Just think about the people you love and how long their hearts will bleed over you.  Had it not been for visions of my sisters crying for me, I would not be here to tell this story.  God works in mysterious ways.  I have been blessed enough to have been saved from self-destruction.  Why?  Well, that purpose I am still searching for.  I am still writing the book of my life each and every day.  Just think of all the memories and how different so many lives would be had I gone through and ended my life that night.  Thank God I didn’t.

Author's Note

Let me know your thoughts...

Reviews

[sereenaoutloud]

such an honest, raw and very personal write Aaron. The mum in me was heartbroken that this is even in your childhood memory bank :(( Just so much to have had to contend with at such a young age. You are correct i have no doubt this will help someone. Thank you for being so open and sharing. The world is a better place with you in it my friend!! Your purpose...just look at your 4 girlies and you have your answer :))

[AaronFreitas]

Awww thanks.... you made my night my friend :)

[sereenaoutloud]

awwww your welcome :)

[Madison Rose]

You really went through a lot, here is a hug from me "hug".
I am glad you are here, and thanks for sharing your experience with all of us :)

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much Madison! I never saw this review til now so apologize for the late response. You know I appreciate you :)

[Cherub]

very raw. i felt it deep within myself. i've thought about that more than once and im glad you were able to bring yourself out of the darkness, and that takes a lot. proud of you.

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you Kuma. It really is a dark place to be in and it's always better when your not in that place. But it does make a good write :)

[Cherub]

truer words have never been spoken Aaron, haha. :^)

[Kousika]

Aaron, the writing is so so good.. I am wordless.. They way you started, the path you took us, the way you parked us in the destiny, end, all were the greatest...

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you Kousika... I appreciate your kind words :)

[Michelle Coleman]

So much pain. Your childhood memory stirs painful memories of my own. I have similar tales. This sort of writing takes a lot of courage and I applaud you.

Right from the beginning, I felt those words scream out in my head. "I want to go live with my dad." I come from several broken homes filled with broken people. When I lived with my dad, I would tell him I wanted to go back to the home I had escaped. The abuse was everywhere I turned. In high school, I even ended up in a "mental hospital." I understand the pain of that younger version of you and I am so happy that I have met you.

You exist because you deserve to live. To exist. To love and be loved. To reach out, as you have here. To create something of beauty out of the chaos that once was your life. For your family and friends. For the strangers you touch. There are so many reasons why your guardian angel intervened. Know this.

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much Michelle and thanks for sharing your story with me. It's tough to go through that and pull through somewhat mentally stable lol. Thanks for the review :)

[Michelle Coleman]

Always 😊 I enjoy reading your wor

[Michelle Coleman]

Uh, work I meant 😜

[AaronFreitas]

haha thanks Michelle you made my day :)

[Intangible Mind]

I'm sorry that you had to go through such a rough situation growing up.. This piece really moved me and I am so glad that you were able to overcome this. Thank you for sharing! (:

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much I am glad you liked it :)

[Karen Arizona]

Hi Aaron,
Your story, 'A Childhood Memory,' is very heartfelt and moving. I'm so glad that you did NOT pull that trigger and that you lived. Just imagine how sad that would have been. A 14-year old CHILD ends it all when he only had begun to live. The toxic guilt and shame that you suffered from living in a dysfunctional family really makes me want to cry. I do cry, in fact, because I know there are many more Aaron's out there, feeling the pain you felt, and not having a soul to turn to. I'm not an expert or anything. Forgive me for being bold. I just feel that you are a survivor and your experiences can and will help others. I'm glad you share your writing. I, especially, hope young people will read this and find hope.

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you Karen. I appreciate your review very much. It was a difficult moment in life but somehow I made it through. Thank you

[Ishita Dixit]

I hope and pray that nobody should ever come face to face with such a difficult
situation as to contemplate taking their own lives.
You are a fighter Aaron.
And yes, its the greater good in life that we must see.
Glad you made the decision to live your life!
Thanks for sharing this amazing piece!
:)

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much Ishita. Yes it is something that no one should have to go through in life and it does suck that many do and many carry that secret with them for life. Thanks for your review :)

[Ishita Dixit]

you're welcome!

[Brittany]

My goodness. This hit me on so many levels but emotionally and personally it strikes the most. The only word I can think to say is moving. You certainly have God's grace, my friend. Keep up the good work. I look forward to more.

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much Brittany.... I appreciate your review my friend :)

[Amber]

This is extremely touching and I think it speaks to everybody in some way. It certainly made me feel less alone as I'm sure it did for many others. It's good to see that you're in a better place now and it's lovely to share hope :)

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much Amber... I appreciate your review :)

[...]

Aaron, this is so open and heartbreaking and well written. People like you make me proud to be human

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you my friend! It was nice to kind of share the story and get it out to the cafe. I appreciate your review.