“I want to
go live with my dad.” These are not the words any mother wants to hear,
especially from her fourteen-year-old son who is still too scared to step up to
his stepfather. I uttered those words to my mother and stepfather and for that
summer, I lived in regret for every speaking those hurtful words. I remember the agony as if it were yesterday. I can remember shaking in pain; my body
completely numb from the tips of my hair down to my toes. The verbal abuse,
physical beatings became too much to stomach.
I could no longer allow myself to accept feeling this way. I could no longer come home with a smile only
to be called a worthless b*****d; no one deserves that and at that age, no
person is strong enough to brush it off.
I think
back to a depressing night, one of the worst nights of my life. I vividly remember hearing my mom argue with my
step-dad over me. I walked into the
living room while no one was in there and grabbed a box from the top
cabinet. Walked back to my room, sat on
the bed’s edge. I can still taste the
metal in my mouth when I think about it; the taste of death. A loaded .45 Smith and Wesson rested on my
teeth as tears poured down my face.
My
breathing sputtered rapidly. My heart
pumped faster than ever before. Flashes
of the people I loved most raced through my mind. Smiles of my sisters, images from playing
baseball and laughter from family members were all light speed dreams streaming
through my mind. I was seconds away from
pulling the trigger; I just couldn’t do it.
I set the gun back in the box, rested on my bed and cried for
hours. My two sisters were in their room
asleep. My parents- in their room
arguing over a worthless child they did not create together.
I prayed that night, over and over. I begged for God, if there was a God, to get
me out of that situation. I remember
pleading, “Why Me! Why Me!!!!!” It is a night I’ll never forget yet will never
regret.
I was
merely seconds from hell but my guardian angel somehow saved me. I am grateful for that moment. I can shamelessly talk to you about it
seventeen years later. I write this
hoping that it touches someone, reaches someone in need. There are better days ahead; suicide is never
an option. Just think about the people
you love and how long their hearts will bleed over you. Had it not been for visions of my sisters
crying for me, I would not be here to tell this story. God works in mysterious ways. I have been blessed enough to have been saved
from self-destruction. Why? Well, that purpose I am still searching
for. I am still writing the book of my
life each and every day. Just think of
all the memories and how different so many lives would be had I gone through
and ended my life that night. Thank God
I didn’t.
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