Loved

Author's Note

Okay, so this poem is really long, and a little unruly. I also couldn't figure out how to format it on this website. So I did it on word in columns and saved it as 4 different pictures. When there is a really big space between horizontal lines that is why. Let me know what you think.

Reviews

[William Gardner]

Well done viola. You've really grown this expression, it comes out clear. Best of all, you captured a powerful moment and made it sing in that particular way that it does in our own minds. That's what all this free form is all about, to make it look like what it is when words form in your own litany, your own mind. So, you know me, a few little things, i'd suggest. You free yourself from form, by having the dual poem, but then you start to feel a little trapped by it, keep breaking even the form you begin with and than it will truly match the way minds speak i.e. lose the line "do I make it off the stage before the tears start?", then it reads real because that is a feeling you are feeling not words your speaking in your head. and then it looks: run off the stage she's gone with a wail.

Same for, "she's hiding we know" who's that speaking? lose it and it reads: "Find
a corner somewhere"
see the line becomes the corner shes hiding in!

I wanted to find a poem, I wrote many years ago that had a line:
hunched over
tearstained back

because it showed a similar movement to illustrate, but suffice to say...

[Philip Muls]

I think it is brilliant. The dual view, the inner dialogues throughout, the parently support and love.

Well done!

[viola]

Thank you!

[Troy Henson]

Very well done. The format sits well with this piece.

[The Hampstead Poet]

The format contributes really well to the piece, which catches all the breathlessness of an unsure performance, tentative viewing, the audience willing the violist to do well. You've captured the range of emotions experienced by the audience, as they go from excitement to hope to disappointment, and the the musician, as she loses the music and cannot get it back. I myself, while reading this, experienced this progression of emotions, and as a former violist I can almost taste the feel to play in front of an audience again, and the nerves and pressure to do well. The conclusion is beautiful though; it doesn't matter, because she is loved. It is short and satisfying, and eases the reader's disappointment in failure.

If I had one criticism (and I know from your note that the poem didn't transfer well on to this website) it would be that the stanzas are spaced a little too close together, making them hard to read. And occasionally, the language is a little ambiguous (I would momentarily forget from which perspective I was reading at times). But, with some polish, I think this could be a very impressive piece!

[viola]

Thanks very much! Can you specify where the language becomes ambiguous?

[annalysiar]

This is actually a really good format. You did it really good. Almost succeeded I only got lost twice but I got it. And I love the viola I still play every now and then.
I'm sorry it took me so long to read this for you
your format is almost perfect. It comes with practice. You're getting there and this poem was the perfect setting. You did brilliantly. "
shaking to instruments up is a bit spaced and "a corner somewhere" is a bit crowded.
"holds me close" and "stroke her hair" can be a little more spaced.
and the last three lines can be a little more spaced. And it should be a little more balanced...
all in all beautiful job. Great expressions and beautiful detail.
ideal story

[Daydreaming]

Wow! I feel like the spaces between the lines just make the whole thing better. This is nothing less than amazing, I enjoyed reading it so much. I could feel everything from both sides. Outstanding

[Aphy!]

Well done!!
Loved the layout and the use of words!
How they flowed and described the situation beautifully!
I loved everything about it.... though honestly when I opened it my brain got scattered a bit!
But that didn't stop me from reading.

Aphy

[Johnny]

Honestly? I think it is really really unique and subtly as to how both perspectives continually merge into a mutually shared thought/expression.. I never read anything quite like it before but I hope its not the last!!! :)

[PHFASCES]

You deserve to have your poetry studied in high school.
this is so damn cool.
the layout is awesome, the story telling is beautiful
I'm so moved by this. wow.
truly a wonderful piece.

[viola]

Wow, thanks very much.