On a walk...

“Where are you headed?”

“Back here,” I say.

Ignoring the puzzled face

my feet take me on

a common route.

I breathe the dusty smell

of fallen leaves.

Wasn't I just admiring the buds?

Measuring how much the corn had grown?

So soon,

they are dying,

but dying in style--

crimson, gold, orange.

When I walk

I see

the passing of time,

the cycle of life.

My problems fit in the pattern.

I fit in the pattern.

Too soon I'm back home.

Yes, right where I started.

Author's Note

Maybe this is a little better? I'm having problems with this poem. I just can't capture the power of a walk for me.

Reviews

[DirectTangent]

I really like this piece. It does convey the passing of time, which is in a cycle. I like your phrasing.

If you don't mind, I'd like to offer a comment or two. I’m finding that I have a ways to go in learning the facility of offering constructive comments, so please bear with me. I don’t go too much for the light, fluffy feedback as much, either in receiving or providing it.

I'm not sure if the verbal exchange at the beginning of your piece adds to what you are revealing. Is there a way to introduce that you're going out on the walk without the verbal exchange? Or have you placed it there for a purpose I'm not seeing?

Is there another way to describe the smell of the leaves – you have the word “falling”, but aren’t we taking in the smell of crumbled, scattered, decomposing leaves on the ground? I’m not sure if that is really all that significant to change, though.

Would you consider another verb in place of “measuring”, which makes me think of a very deliberate action rather, perhaps, than the casual noticing of things?
Is there another word to put in place of the second time you used the word “dying?” Something along the lines of departing or demise or something like that?

And rather than seeing the cycle of life, could you be walking through it, or around it, or the like?
Could you be walking more slowly than the rate of time passing so that, even though time is passing in a cycle it seems to be doing so in a way that keeps us moving forward in time?

I’m just a novice at all this, and I’ve been learning that too much feedback is not a good thing for some folks. I hope you’ll forgive me, but I stop to spend the time because I like what you have going here.

[ReadsAtDances]

Yes, by all means a walk back to where you started would be pointless.
But it is not.
Reminds me of walks I have gone on.
Especially loved the line "they are dying, but dying in style." It made me laugh.
Thanks for the poem!

[Troy Henson]

Loved this walk. Imagery fantastic. Some raw feelings here too.

'My problems fit in the pattern.
I fit in the pattern.'

Loved these 2 lines. Plenty of feeling here. Keep writing, keep walking and keep feeling. Words and phrases come with time and patience.

[sandman]

i think you should insert a phrase before you write, "I swear, I was just admiring the buds." How do this sound

"Reflecting back in time and then forward again, I swear, I was just admiring the buds and measuring how much the corn had grown since the last walk."

[sandman]

nice thoughts but something is missing. you seem to have lost a phrase. Not sure why you said, "I swear, I was just admiring the buds and measuring how much the crown had grown…" after you said, "I breathe in the dusty smell of falling leaves." But I like the point of the poem.

[viola]

The idea was how fast time had passed--it's fall, but it seems like I was just admiring the trees and corn in spring. Does that make sense? I agree it is missing something--I've been trying to figure out what.

[sandman]

i hope i didn't offend you. sounds gives sight and i'm seeing a little anger. I understand your point…about how fast time pass…didn't catch it at first…thanks for the clarification

[viola]

No, no, no. You didn't offend me at all!!! I'm really sorry it came across like that! I want the feedback, whatever it may be. I was just trying to clarify, and see if it made sense. Please help me figure out what is missing. I appreciate the feedback!

[A.marie.speaks]

Simplistic yet lovely. My life fis that pattern as well. Time just slips by, present melting into past, in the blink of an eye it seems.

[Philip Muls]

Nice one Viola. It all feels as a cycle, the seasons but also the common route of the walk. A cycle is a pattern. Problems stay the same, problems fit into the cycle. The walk is predictable yet soothing. You know where it will end, you know the problems will still be there...

The language is accessible, not overly poetic. Simple, fitting the walk.