Victory

Victory

Shining scales,
Cold as ice,
The dragon guards her hoard.

Quiet feet,
Soft as snow,

Creeps knight with shield and sword.

Glowing eyes,
Turning red,
The dragon spots its prey.

Glinting armor,

Shining bright,

The knight cries in dismay.

With burning breath

And flaming tongue,

The dragon starts the fight.

With lifted shield

And nimble toes,

The knight dives to the right.

“Victory!”

The dragon cries,

“Your life is mine to claim.”

“Not so fast!”

The knight replies,

On her feet again.

The dragon rises

Claws unleashed,

Positive she’ll win.

But the knight

Hurls her sword,

And sees it plunge right in.

No more to hurt.

No more to kill.

Evil’s overthrown.

By lady knight

With shield and sword,

Let her deed be known!

Author's Note

Okay! And a couple more changes. Better? Worse? Same?

So this is in response to a call for poetry on the theme of "Knights and Castles" for readers ages 9-14. Does this fit that well? Would a 9-14 year old enjoy it? Honest thoughts and opinions please! (If you know a 9-14 year old you could have them read it!)

Reviews

[William Gardner]

Oh good, if you read them as two separate poems you had the word sword in two corresponding lines. This is much better. It's clean. I hear what you are saying about making it clearer. I am all for making it easier on the reader. Joyce always annoyed me because he never gives the reader access, makes me dig to understand him- Why should I have to dig? Arrogant A*s!- Anyway I digress. However, I would urge you to not bold the stanzas- I think it's almost like over stated, like you are talking down to the reader. How else can you make it clear what you are doing? Now in this case, there is really no need, I mean each stanza is a completely different voice. I would urge you to write two separate poems within a poem using the same voice. Then think about your form and how you are going to shape it to make that work. Goodnight!

[viola]

Thank you so much for all of your very detailed reviews. You always give me a task! I like that! I will write a poem in the same voice, and think about the form--but I think it will be a different topic. I like the 2 voices in this one.

[annalysiar]

This is an amazing, creative format. Very nicely done.

[Ashley Lytle]

I enjoyed getting a chance to read this poem. It tells a story about a hero and the evil SHE has overthrown. I really like that the knight you made to be a girl. It feel like it's a two voiced poem but when I read the voices separately it didn't work out exactly. Other then that I really enjoyed it. Good job!

[Patricia Wedel]

dear viola... a fascinating poem for my
Library... reminds me of "dragons live forever,
not so little boys". My sister-in-law is
writing a book for children about Dragons...
You can see the animation in your mind's
eye as you read your poem. A perfect poem
for children and grandmothers to understand
and imagine. truly, Pat

[viola]

Thank you! I'm glad!

[Aphy!]

Much better. Like this better! But then again I feel no different about it because all your stuff is amazing. Great. Effortless and pure. Really enjoyed reading hey!

Aphy

[viola]

Wow, thanks. You guys are much nicer to my poems than I am!

[Aphy!]

Well, u should be more nice to them

[Shadowkai]

I love it, with those slight changes it seems to flow more smoothly, I'm absolutely sure those kids will love it. If it were my decision i would pick your poem, 10/10

[viola]

Well, thank you very much!

[3X3MPLER]

i like this concept.good poem

[emmajoy]

Good fun-fantasy for your given age group - exciting, imaginative.

However, I'd like to see a distinct space between the two fonts, the second swamps the first and dilutes its use/meaning/display.

[viola]

Yes, I agree. On my word-processing program "the knight" stanza's don't run into "the dragon" one's. I can't get it to do what I want on this program. Any space I put is too much because I still what them clearly connected.

[emmajoy]

Hello, viola, I wonder: could you italicise the dragon stanza's in the lighter font? Sorry, tis your work; the actual poem is so good, seems bad for me to mention what i have.

[viola]

I'm not sure I know what you mean. I thought the dragon stanza's we're italicized in the lighter font?
Please do mention what you have!! I want it to be the best it possibly can, I just honestly am not sure what you mean.

[emmajoy]

Very sorry, must have been tired when reviewing, i mis-worded my thoughts. As you can't space between the lighter and darker stanzas, why not display both in light font? If you don't want to do that and it is YOUR writing and thus your choice... leave it alone!!

[Alucard6336]

This is amazing to look at on paper. I applaud you on this for my inner nature loves to see a story told through poetry. Amazing job.

[Satan]

Im sure the dragon was quite content and relaxed until some outsider intruded on its territory with the intention to kill it. Congrats to the psychotic blood hungry knight on her victory. We need to inspire the youth to solve their problems with violence and weapons like a hole in the head.

[viola]

Fair enough. One of the problems with poetry, at least one with a line limit, is there isn't enough space to get the full story or thought processes of each characters--at least not from someone of my limited skill!