Fighting Sleep

Fighting to stay awake

  All the night I've worked

    Line after

      Line

        I've written--

          Nothing's

            Good enough

EverythIng aches.

        My head

my back

           my handS--

                      any thOughts.

won't fully form

         dangling...

  jusT out of reach.        

       eyes Itch.

         ears Ring.    

          hEad spins.      

                             Drawing to a close...         

And I wrench my eyes wide

Scattered ideas        

Leap across my brain  

where was I?     Eyes burn      

Ears hum       

Powerless...my eyelids fall...

Author's Note

I'm still experimenting with form. Does it work? Or is it just super clunky?

Reviews

[William Gardner]

It's not clunky at all. Where was I is the last line or is it one of those scattered ideas dropped on the page? This is my best suggestion. Don't focus on the form, just allow yourself to express yourself in any way you see fit. focus on stocking the store, this looks great I'm intrigued, but you're telling me you're tired. What else can you tell me? If you're not feeling it right now, consider an older poem and play with form to enhance the meaning. Just my opinion.

[annalysiar]

Hmm it looks different than the last time I read this or am I losing it? Still amazing work

[jimmy45]

I love the form
very different
great expression

[DeerInHeadlights]

.....and reading other reviews.. no I do not agree. when you are unable to fall asleep your thoughts do not flow in a line.. they are scattered they go from one thing to the next.. 100 miles an hour so the line up of the letters is perfection. that is how it truly feels. all over the map. anyhow. I am going to go now.

[DeerInHeadlights]

this is amazing. I love how you have depicted exactly how hard it is to fall asleep.. the thoughts the feelings.. and the distraction of the middle stanza.. falling to.... I am so tired.. where was I again?? ah.. falling to sleep.. but the thoughts just wont let you. This poem is poetry. to the core. great job. I cannot describe to you how brilliant I believe this piece to be..

[3X3MPLER]

interesting concept, but to me the words are all over the place. i like the format where you have
F
A
L
L
I
N
G
.The rest, not so much

[Shadowkai]

I love the flow, nice and smooth. I love acrostic poems as well I've been thinking of writing one myself :P
It is definitely not clunky though
Great work
Shadowkai

[alifeacoustic]

Nicely done. Great idea and not clunky, although I would perhaps suggest using tabs instead of the space bar, as this would align the words better. I enjoyed this, thank you.

[annalysiar]

Not clunky its rather smooth I would separate the the lines "dangling" and "just out of reach" but it's good. You're getting better with your forms. If you want you can try and straighten your second stanza but otherwise great job your message shows beautifully.

[viola]

Thank you! The actual act of formatting is giving me fits! Getting everything to line up just right is a pain. I've got tabs and spaces everywhere! I agree with the dangling and just out of reach. It has been changed. Does the 2nd stanza look straighter?

[annalysiar]

Yes it does. And you're welcome. Lol yes I can't format to save my life but I love to read them😄 I think the best thing about them is how they flow because you can make them fall or shape them or do whatever you like its amazing. But yes it looks great😇😆😉