Homesick

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly.

A longing…

For Family

and Friends

and Secret Spots

For routines�"

Friday night pizza and games

The daily walk to school

Tuesday evening hugs

I don’t really know which I’m missing,

but I know it hurts.

It hurts so much that I hold myself together with my arms,

and rock back and forth.

Back and forth.

But that doesn’t really help.

What would help is a hug.

A hug from

Mom

Dad

Naomi

Ben

Jill

But they’re not here.

That’s why I’m sick.

Sick with longing.

Homesick

Author's Note

I was experimenting with form. Does it help or is it distracting? Let me know what you think. I also wondered if this was too personal. Does it make sense to a wide audience? Please be critical!

Reviews

[Relic]

The formatting is a bit of a distraction for me. If you're writing something personal I would use a straight forward formatting but that's just me. As I can see, others feel differently so I'll leave it up to you. The punctuation and sentence placement was a tad odd for me in the beginning. What I here is more like

A longing
For Family
and Friends
and Secret Spots,
For routines,
Friday night pizza and games,
The daily walk to school,
Tuesday evening hugs...

I don’t really know which I’m missing more?
It’s hard to pinpoint exactly
but I know it hurts.
So much so that I hold myself together with my arms
and rock back and forth.
But even that doesn’t really help.

What would help is a hug.
A hug from
Mom
Dad
Naomi
Ben
Jill...
But they’re not here.
That’s why I’m sick.
Sick with longing.
Homesick.

Of course this may not be right, but its only a suggestion. Either way, you've expressed yourself well and I wouldn't go crazy trying to make it perfect. Good luck. :)

[viola]

Thank you. I think like my format in this case, but I really like the question mark after more, in the 2nd stanza. And I will consider the rest of your punctuation. Thank you for your suggestions!

[fierceauthor]

WOW...how great! I miss home alot too!

[Insight "MH"]

May you and your family always be together with an unbreakable bond. You have shown the great love that you have in your heart for them. Thank you for sharing these honest emotions.

Insight.

[Chris]

Again a font issue for me...

Different forms serve to draw the eye and pause a reader while the mind catches up - and THAT is good and works very well toward expressing emotional moments and conceptual pauses as well as helping a reader to follow your thought flow. Just try to keep it from overly distracting or visually confusing your intended audience.

Poetry is aural... read it aloud as it is written NOT as your mind wanted it to be. The words impart tones and you use them to define your timing, form, and meaning.

I felt and understood what you spoke of here - readily ...but that's me.

[A.marie.speaks]

It definitely makes sense. I don't think writing can ever be too personal. You pull the audience in by describing with great precision the feelings of being lonely and I think adding in their names near the end was a good idea- it puts a bit of the real you in it but also made me think of the people in my own life..the names that i would insert there. Great job!

[annalysiar]

No the form helps it helps the flow. I like it anyways lol I've always liked flowing poems this.
you did his beautifully

[alifeacoustic]

It makes sense alright, and it should be personal. That's what being homesick is, all those things you hold dear could be a hundred and eighty degrees from what I do. That's what does and should make it personal.
Whenever I am away from home, no matter how well planned, I always forget to take something that makes me think of home. I miss the candy, the people, the noises that wake me and the routine of knowing and belonging.
I think the structure does work well here. I was thinking that the part with who you miss, Mom, Dad, Naomi, Ben, Jill wouldn't look quite right if it were written in one word lines, and the way you have done it makes it look like a constant thought, tailing off into silence.
Great job overall. Thank you for sharing.

[William Gardner]

nice use of form. It's very fun to play with and really impacts the reader, which is the whole point no? Ironic that this one is not for the reader, it's for you. What if you were to play with form for the reader, what would that look like?

[viola]

Can you explain a little more, please? Do you mean the form is for me or the poem is for me? Should I experiment with writing a poem for the reader or should I experiment with form for the reader. And what is the difference between a form for myself and a form for the reader?
Thanks!

[William Gardner]

Sure. The form is for your reader. It gives them pleasure and helps guide on how you want it to be read. Your poem is for you. I don't know Naomi ben or jill because you haven't told me who they are. This poem reads well, meaning that as I read it I get what word you want me to focus on, where I should pause and what's really important. The content is not for me though, so although you got me in the building, I have nothing to buy. So, I'm just asking, what if you invited me in and stocked your shelves. What would that look like?

[viola]

Got it. I will work on that, perhaps not with this poem, but with a new one soon. Thank you!

[3X3MPLER]

it seems personal, that is good because it is more touching however your text formating did not do it for me

[viola]

Fair enough. I'll try it more normally formatted soon. You can let me know which you like better. Thanks for your feedback!

[3X3MPLER]

it seems personal, that is good because it is more touching however your text formating did not do it for me