Relationship Situations #1

There is no such thing as a successful 50/50 relationship. The concept of 50/50 was meant to describe the physical elements of a relationship; human being A (1/2) + human being B (1/2) = (whole) relationship partners. Does it make sense to speak about 50/50 as a percentage of what two individuals should bring to a relationship? Of the 100% of attributes and emotions that make you unique, what percentages of each or all of those attributes will you designate to give away that will total your 50% of a relationship? Do you hear how ridiculous that sounds? The only time that the 50/50 rule is applicable is when it pertains to tangible things (house, car, bed, food, etc). Hopefully we can agree that two people need to come into a relationship with all of their emotions in order for it to be successful. We can also agree that no one person is perfect, so even all of one’s emotions will be less than 100%. This is good to keep in mind for us to prevent picking each other apart later, possibly comparing what each one did for the other.

 

There is a philosophy that we should conduct a relationship as if it were a business; each person coming with his/her own “assets” and without much, if any, personal emotional connection. Although I agree that a relationship is certainly a business/partnership, there needs to be emotional connection for personal satisfaction.

 

There are three situations that many of my friends and I have been discussing lately. It seems as though we (collectively as people) will meet someone, like them, begin to learn them, expect from them, and get frustrated and disappointed for months or years by them.

 

First we need to self evaluate. Who am I as a person? What are my expectations for my life? And, what can I do to improve myself? Then ask yourself, what are my expectations for a relationship? And, who is my partner as a person? We’re definitely not taking enough time to get to know people anymore but we have specific agendas. It is true that we teach people how to treat us by determining what we will accept, and although it is very important to have standards and expectations, we also need to be realistic.

 

1. Let’s say that you owe a large amount of money on an item and a bill collector calls you for payment. They want you to pay $50 now and more over time. You only have $25 to pay now. After a heated debate, they accept your $25, give you a few more choice words and hang up on you. Using this principle in relationships; if you are expecting someone to give you more of anything than what they have available to offer, you will continually be frustrated and feel as though you are chasing that person in order for them to meet your needs. There are some people that do not have the capability to give you what you need even if they’re doing all they can or know how to do.

 

2.  You’ve invested money in a stock that was climbing for a long time. With or without warning the stock value starts to drop and you start losing money. You hold on to it for a while hoping that the stock will regain its value but it doesn’t and you end up bankrupt. Using this principle in relationships; it doesn’t matter how much you’ve invested in the relationship if you’re being emotionally depleted. Know when to let go or get out, but not through the window.

 

3.  Halfway down the highway, while taking a drive, you realize that you’re running low on gas. Before you can reach the gas station, the gas runs out completely and you’re stranded on the side of the road. Being frustrated at how stupid you were for not getting gas earlier and mad at the car for having the nerve… you put the car in neutral, get out of the car, and push it off the cliff. Did I lose you? Using this scenario to apply to a relationship; if it didn’t work out, don’t beat yourself up or hold resentment towards the other person and the next 20 people that had nothing to do with the original problem, which could be that you weren’t paying attention or you thought you had an extended opportunity.

 

Of course within any relationship there are more specific challenges that need to be addressed but at the core of beginning, assessing and/or ending a relationship we all need to:

Define your value and worth

Identify your resources

and, as hard as it is for us to do, Accept change