These Days

Sometimes it can be a long hard journey to find love, to find yourself

 

The silence of your words

and the smell of hospitals remain

Right then my future set in stone

when I swore I'd take way your pain

It's been a long hard year

and I'm trying hard to understand

why you couldnt stay the same

and why God had other plans

What makes you so afraid

that you would try to take your life

Now I'm standing by your bedside

and the pain cuts like a knife

I swear that I will love you

if you cannot love yourself

and I will be the shoulder that you cry on

when there is noone else

It's been two long hard years

and I'm trying to understand

how I could trust so much

and let you hold my heart within your hands

Midnight talks and late night walks

kisses in the rain

you broke my heart a time or two

but each time you swore you'd change

Waking up to the sound of your voice

romantic gestures and southern charm

roses even in winter

and dancing beneath the stars

Tears gently wept in silence

at the first violence of your hand

Crying was always a weakness

You were the first to reprimand

But you swore it would never happen again

and we had been best friends for years and years

I never thought someone I could love so much

could bring me so many tears

It's been three long years now

and I'm trying hard to understand

how things could change so quickly

from where this first began

There's a ring upon my finger

and a promise you have made

I just found out I'll be a mother

and I'm really glad I stayed

I havent told you yet

but I'm sure you'll be a good Dad

These days I'm all you ever wanted

The best thing in life you've ever had

But then the phone calls started

and you swore it was all a lie

I wanted to believe you so bad

but there was something different in your eyes

Then one cold winter evening

it all came to an end

I got the news that evening

that my friends really arent my friends

Yes, It was a long and hard three years

and I'm still trying hard to understand

why the life inside me was ending

Maybe God had other plans

It's now going on four years

I let you go then took you back

These days nothing is ever good enough

and you criticize everything I lack

You tell me I'm not what you wanted

and I'm an empty shell of what I used to be

You tell me noone else will love me

but if you loved me you'd set me free

I rarely leave the house these days

and I wear makeup to cover the bruise

I often cried in silence

and wondered what on earth did I do

I swore I'd try to be more perfect

I never thought love would cause such harm

but no matter what I did I was nothing

just a trophy on your arm

The days were endless and desolate

I learned to hide within myself

I would stare out the bedroom window

and imagine I was someone else

Sometimes I would go the cemetary

The memory of love often made me cry

I often wished he could take your place

but I guess the good guys are the ones that die

I am forbidden from everyone that loved me

and I was so ready to take my last breath

Oh how you swore to me that you loved me

and yet you made me pray for death

It's been five long hard years now

and I just want to be left alone

I wake up screaming with nightmares

to find I'm in my old bedroom at home

These days I'm so much more than haunted

Feeling somewhat less than human inside

They tell me I'm like an abused animal

but there's plenty of reasons for me to hide

Love is a game and it comes with a price

I swear I've paid my dues

There is nothing profound, it's all a lie

We were all lead to believe love was true

In life you need a strategy, you used to say

Destroy the queen and kill the king like a game of chess

Each piece placed accordingly for the final outcome

then prepare to watch the chaotic mess

Alot of people gave up on me

but still the good ones remained

They helped me find my way back to the waking world

though I knew I'd never be the same

It's going six years now

I'm so angry and I dont understand

How you could weasle your way back into my life

When I swear I never let you in

I want no part of love

It just isnt for me in the stars

I'm so much stronger than I was before

though I have these battle scars

My new and old friends love me dearly

and I never spoke to them of you

and you knew just exactly what you were doing

and they didnt have a clue

I swore that they'd be sorry

That there would be hell to pay

Some seen you for what you were

while the others didnt see til that day

I refuse to live my life in fear

to give in to your every need

I refuse to lie in a pool of tears

to just sit back and watch myself bleed

I fought you with every breath inside of me

Yes, we've finally reached our end

You're nothing more than a sick twisted mind to me

and yet you once pretended to be the perfect friend

I felt so reckless and angry

and everyone cried that day

They didnt wanna see me in a casket

but I swore I was okay

　

These days comes with so much understanding

I believe that day in the hospital you died

Years of suffering and shame took its toll

A damaged child grown up with nowhere left to hide

and I swore that day I'd take away your fate

that I'd love you even at my own heart's expense

and there's nothing I could have done, no matter how I tried

but now it makes no difference

And I'm sorry it was a pain you just couldnt endure

and that your life couldnt be wonderful

and there was nowhere to place the blame as the anger rage inside

so you had to destroy something beautiful

These days are better than the ones before

I've learned to forgive and eventually let go

I don't think of the past, the scars are starting to fade

You've just become someone I used to know

I'm learning that maybe love is real

and maybe it isnt all that bad

I've learned in time that it doesnt always rain

and I'm running out of reasons to be sad.

I've learned that I am good enough

and someday I'll be the half to make someone whole

I know now it was never my heart you were after

You were just trying to steal my soul

And I hope that maybe for your sake

the rain will come and wash you clean

that you wont wake up at night terrified

and that you're only blessed with the sweetest dreams

And I'm glad you figuired out what love is

and that you love me enough to let me go

That you love me enough to stay out of my life

That you realise my life is my own

These days I find I am happy

I really like the woman I'm starting to be

These days you can no longer hurt me

You've become nothing more than a memory