Not a Fairy Tale

 

Many have asked me what is my story some are noticing me writing poems. The start of writing was therapy for my general depression I was suffering as a teen. My doctor also read and evaluated my process as I wrote proses or poems. Also I was on medication which I did believe wasn't working. It seemed that I helped myself with the writing I did. The meds I quit taking but I dint tell anyone I quit taking them. I felt better when I quit them cold.

A few years passed. I know I was seeming to be out of control on a visit to the Philippines last year. Dressing a little wild. A sexual fling, why not I was free to do what I want, wasn't I.

After my visit I began to exhibit the depression again. Suddenly I feared I was running down that road again with death at the end. I feared I may be successful at my attempt at suicide. I returned to writing again but it dint seem to be helping. I was waking from sleep crying. It seemed to be worst at night. I haven't see a doctor for this in a year. I was beginning to think of death again. This time the sleep pills and painkillers were locked up. I dint have the access this time. Some online were trying to help me; it was keeping my mind from suicide.

my mind was such a blur. Then I discovered that I was secretly getting my old depression meds. They were sneaking the meds in my hot chocolate that was so sneaky but it made me to flash back. They think they can control me that way; but it was to backfire I ended up back with the doctor who said no more meds for now.

I was feeling all the depression that I felt few years before. To be going though this all over again was more pain then i could bear. What was I to do. Trying to write again dint seem to help.

I came upon that fork in the road again and choose the road other than to think of death again. Now I do feel I have the peace I need but I fear that I fear to love as I did before.

I have been told by my doctor that I must love myself. She has pointed out that I do not love myself but I found it is hard to love one self who has done such wrong on your love ones I feel that I must keep my guilty with me to keep my memory fresh.




At present my story is I am visiting the Philippines for undetermined time period. I am US citizen from Virginia in the beach area near many Naval bases. By the way, sailors are a lot fun, they love partying.