solitary slave

dost ye hold thy tongue
cause ye know she cant
she does not know

such is when worship
is afar she does not
know of thy feelings

thee knows thy own sins
thy heart beats for
thy secret admire

 

changed

you hold your tongue
cause you know she cant
she does not know

such is when you worship
is afar she does not
know of your feelings

you knows your own sins
your heart beats for
your secret admire

should i change it ?

Author's Note

should i change it ?
i think i like this with
old english pronoun
not sure maybe too sloppy

Reviews

[A.r. Bazian]

the style is unique... and seldom do poets or writers use such rhyme scheme!
the only thing that should be taken into consideration (as i must be objective, though i like the poem) is the miss use of Old English, Thy is often only used as subject, not preferably in an objective position where you should use Thee! though it is rather difficult to strain any lines of your poem to a certain grammatical rule of that time... because of the Unique structural complexity of your poem!
i think you've done a really job here... and you may disregard my suggestion! coz frankly i've read your poem three times or more trying to apply rules about Medieval English... i got confused! especially when i noticed that its more Adjective than objective or subjective! i'm giving myself the creeps! god, i Am cheesy! :P
anyway,
its best that it remains as it is except for one single thing...
"Do" instead of "Does" at the beginning!

i like it!
keep it up!

[larryb]

Hi my friend, is a interesting poem i liked it

[Phil & Bren's Colla..]

I totally agree with Blackbird Iris, I really like the Old English here. You have done a excellent job with the rhyme of this piece. Wonderfully penned.

[poddar kushal]

you have the power. you can put rhyme and rythmic undertone in the right sequence. the subject is true enough to pass the taste of time.