The Hormone House

Anybody that has teenagers knows about the "H" word. This story is what you call half-n-half. One part fiction and one part non-fiction. :-)

Two-thousand-and-three marked a unique time in history for our family.  By a unanimous vote we decided to invest in a brightly colored neon sign for the front yard.  It wasn’t the typical plastic “Beware of Dog” or “No Soliciting” sign in black with orange letters.  We had determined, this sign had to be something special.  It read in big bold flashing lime green, orange, yellow, pink and blue letters: “The Hormone House. Beware!  Three Hormonal Teenagers and One Menopausal Woman Inside!"   It had this disclaimer flashing underneath: Enter at your own risk! 

 

Good old Forest Gump seemed to have a handle on a mighty truth:  "Life is like a box of chocolates.  You never know what you're gonna get!"   I wonder if he had any inside knowledge on hormones?  You never know when the old hormones are going to flair up.  They could very well be likened to riding an emotional roller coaster.  That drop can surprise the heck out of you causing an adrenaline rush that will make your hair stand on end.  Up one minute and down the next. 

 

When it came to our teenagers, I had done everything I could think of to ward off nasty attitudes, the proverbial blame game, and the know-it-all entrapment. I talked until I was blue in the face.  I am not sure if the blue was lack of oxygen to the brain, or boil over from anger.  Whatever the case, I felt like I was talking to three brick walls, and adding me in the mix, made four.  I just couldn't seem to get through the bricks and morter, no matter how hard I tried.

 

I had fallen prey to the “Perfect Parent Syndrome” many years prior to this and I was still determined to do EVERYTHING right, menopausal or not.  I wonder if I'd set my sights too high?  I had heard a multitude of stories from other parents.  Some of them sounded fairly good; maybe even believable.  Now, I am not so sure.  “I just chose not to believe for problems with my teenagers, and so I didn’t have any,” “My teenagers were perfect angels,” and yada, yada, yada. Guilt travels fast and was hitting me at ninety mph. Was I reaping some sort of punishment or pay back from something I had done in the past that I had long since forgotten? I wondered.  My teenagers were not perfect angels and I tried to believe they wouldn’t be like half of the teenagers on the planet, but…they were pretty much normal teenagers…the stuff we all hear about.

 
I saw a sign the other day that read, “Raising Teenagers is like nailing jello to a tree.”

Hmmm...that's pretty darned accurate.  Or…what about this one?  "Teenagers:  Tired of being harassed by your parents?  ACT NOW!!  Move out, get a job, pay your own way, while you still know everything!" Sounds like a near perfect description of teenagers to me!  We threatened each of them on several occasions; gave them the normal ultimatums… Did just about everything we could think of, short of putting a suitcase with all of their personal belongings on the front porch or dropping them off at the bus station while quickly hurling their bags to the ground behind them.  There was more than one occasion that we grounded them for the rest of their lives, demanded respect, and gave them curfews while telling them, Nothing good happens after midnight, you know.  (We adjusted their curfews to the appropriate teenager and their sibling ranking.) 

 

Being monstrously menopausal myself didn’t help matters.  The hot flashes were in full swing.  Who in their right mind visits a sauna at 3:00 a.m. in the morning?  Hello?!   The brain fog and the memory loss was at an all time high. I depleted numerous supplies of Gingko and I still forgot what I was going to say mid-sentence, while embarrassingly muttering “A…a…I’m sorry, I-a just lost my train of thought.”

 

The adjectives the kids were using only compounded my confusion.  “That’s tight!”  I have a rubber jar opener for stuff like that, I'd mutter under my breath.  It’s in the drawer next to the frig.  Or, “Did you see the trick he just did on the skate board?  That’s BAD!” “Must they confuse their elders,” I wondered?  Bad to me still means B-A-D.  You know, NOT GOOD.  BAD!  Or, “That’s killer!”  “Don’t they still lock those guys up for God’s sake?” I asked discustingly.  Must you add to the shroud of brain fog already infiltrating my muddled brain?  Talk NORMAL.  You know, normal…MY normal!

 
Why is every adult older than a teenager automatically catergorized as "Old?"  I’ve been called “OLD” more times than you can shake a stick at.  I usually retort, “Please, call me OLDER, not OLD.  There is a difference.”  When my daughter balks at something I say with, “Mom, that is so 50’s,” I deliver the usual come back:  “Hello?  I was only 2-years-old in the 50’s.  At least, get the year right!”

 

The brightly colored sign flashing “The Hormone House,” was sold at a garage sale shortly after my oldest son turned twenty and life in our household began to calm down.  It went for a pretty penny.  Evidently the Hansen's were as amused as we were when we bought it at Whitaker's sign shop.   I just drove by their house the other evening.  It's shining brightly for all to see.  We’ve remodeled the “Rubber Room.”  It had surely seen it’s better days of teenagers running their finger nails down the blue foam rubber when we locked them up for a spell, and me banging my head on the one of the four walls crying frantically while searching for answers to one of our teenaged dilemmas. 

 

All in all, it wasn’t near as bad as it could have been. We could probably consider ourselves fortunate.  We’ve survived several car accidents, (one a mere ten-thousand dollars worth,) a few traffic tickets, and accompanying our youngest to his court hearing for fleeing the scene of an accident.  Attitudes at present are on the down swing.  Our oldest son is getting married in September, and our daughter a year from this June.  I don't know what in the world I was thinking?    I should have known the rubber room would never become obsolete.  Let's see...where's the number for the contractor that designed that room?  I know I have it here some where.  Who ever complains about repeat business? 

 

Reviews

[Phill Oz O'fee]

Don�t get rid of too many signs or that rubber room; the grandchildren can be just as maddening. Still, you can have a chuckle when the kids start complaining about �the kids�.

Been there, done that and worn the T-shirt (apart from the menopausal thing - being a fella).And we still love them!

Great to read and reminds other parents - they are not alone.

Well done!

God�s Blessings
Phillozofee

[Alicia Lafontaine]

This story is incredibly well-written. It's hysterical, right from the first paragraph. I liked it a lot. It explained so much in just a few paragraphs.

[Sherrian Morgan]

Carole, I thoroughly enjoyed your story.
Sherrian

[Mariah]

I read this on Father's Day, so my head was already in that mindset...that, whoa, I wonder if it'll be worse when I'm raising mine tyep thinking. Hunny, it sounds like you had some good kids! All my friends from high school were unwed teen mothers, I knew four suicide attempts, DOZENS of car accidents, three fatalities, and so many kids on drugs it just wasn't even funny. And then DATING--I've got some stories...i wouldn't be my parents for ALL the money in the world. Where's your house, so I can rent it out when my kids hit twelve?

So, as far as criticsim goes, I think this could be submitted for publication barring a few mods. For example, the conversational style works, but you've gotta keep working it. When you become a little more formal, it makes the writing that came prior seem immature or unplanned. But I think, as a formal peice, this would stink. So there. Keep that, maybe elaborate ifyou're planning on revision.

Also, little punctuation mistakes, which I see others have pointed out, are worth noting in a revision.

I think the thing that I would most like to see changed is the descriptions. I wanted to hear examples about your kids...I wanted reasons for the rubber room, not just hints. Your description of menopause was GREAT--if that was throughout the peice, I think it would just RESONATE brilliance. This is great--keep up the good work!

mariah

[Crystal L. Test]

This was really funny and enjoyable to read. I agree with the last reviewer, I already have hot flashes so I'm not looking forward to them getting worse or having memory loss. Egads!

Great job and thanks for sharing.

[Rebirth And Introspecti..]

this is hilarious, I wonder if this is how my mother feels? I'm 22 myself, and my mom still has some of her brood at home... God I am not looking forward to hotflashes being that I already have them really really bad...

[Helen Woodward]

I thoroughly enjoyed this, not one mention of suicide...that has to be a plus!! You had me chuckling Carole as I recalled my own kids and their 'hormonal' madness. Do you want the bad news or the bad news? Nothing changes (as you intimated in your last line) the grandkids will see to that! AH...I'm glad I can send them home!
Am and morning are one and the same, but other than that I found no probs, an enjoyable read.
Cheers,
Helen.

[MistyJRose]

I love this story. Especially the descriptions of the potenial bumper stickers and the hormonal sign. Also loved the ending about the rubber room. I need one of those. lol Great job on this piece. Didn't see anything wrong with it to comment on. :)

[R. G. Murphy]

You did request that I read this and I am always honest. Please, don't take this personally. I don't know you or anything about you so it is not criticism. Just an honest review of a piece of writing similar to an editor or critic. So please don't cry or stop writing. Either ignore it or choose to learn from what I have to tell you.

There are 2 main problems with this story and some other things that bothered me. First, it is over punctuated. This has to be my number one pet peeve and I usually don't finish a piece that has more than one ellipsis(...) anywhere, or doubles up on question or exclamation marks.
For example:
�Must you add to the shroud of brain fog already infiltrating my muddled brain??? Talk NORMAL. You know! Normal�MY normal!

And you didn't even close most of the quotes. I found myself squinting and shaking my head while reading this and that's rarely a good sign.

Ellipsis is the most abused and overly used piece of punctuation on the Internet. It's as if half the computers in the world were shipped with a defective period button that stutters.
If you pick up any magazine or book and read it cover to cover you might find one, that's one, in the whole things. People online, usually teenagers or adults who communicate at a high school level, seem to think they may use ... twice per paragraph or even ignore paragraphs all together.

The second major problem lies in the style and flow. It rambles off like a piece of dialogue and the "story" really goes nowhere. Confusing is really the word for it.

The reviews on this site are pretty funny. I have yet to see one that really gives the writer feedback on anything. The ones below are no exception. Anytime I tell people what I really thought of their writing all I hear is whining and outrage that I did not rave for them. It's not surprising when this happens because many of the reviewers write exactly the way I've described above.
This kind of subject is popular. If you reworked it you could have a good theme. Keep trying. Good luck and God bless.

[Joyce Bocek]

I love your style. Gotta have a sense of humor raising teenagers. I thought I was going to be lucky when my daughter became 13 and she was still sweet. Her teen hormones kicked in at 15.
Anyway, back to your story...parents of teens might be doing some remodeling soon. After all, doesn't anyone with a teen need a rubber room?

Some techie stuff I noticed: �Mom, that is so 50�s ['50s], banging my head on the [delete this "the"] one of the four walls crying, and
one of our teenage {teenager's] dilemmas

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

lol this is a good stroy made me laugh also made me think.. kids are something huh.. the rubber room sounds like a good idea to me..
I like this part

Or�what about this one? "Teenagers: Tired of being harassed by your parents? ACT NOW!! Move out, get a job, pay your own way, while you still know everything! Sounds like a near perfect description of teenagers to me! We threatened each of them on several occasions; gave them the normal ultimatums� Did just about everything we could think of, short of putting a suitcase with all of their personal belongings on the front porch or dropping them off at the bus station while quickly hurling their bags to the ground behind them.... lol

So now it's just you ahnd hubby.. and no need for a rubber room , unless....
well lets just hope! lol

This was fun reading, well written and gave me several laughs.
Thank you

Chloe
xoxo