Big Daddy

When you conquer your worst fear, something of monumental significance happens.  A change is born.  And, it’s a much deeper change than any of us can really fathom.  All of our smaller less significant fears begin to come tumbling down one at a time.  A chain reaction is set in motion.  Once you remove Big Daddy, babies are all that remain.  And compared to your greatest fear, the babies are just...well,... CAKE!

 

For me, it all started at Toastmaster’s Club # 6504.  Toastmasters’ is an internationally known speaking club where individuals face the nation’s number one fear:  The Big Daddy-Public Speaking.

 

You see, I wasn’t given to a teeny tiny little menial type of fear when it came to Public Speaking.  I was given to an earth-shaking-quaking, knee knocking, heart palpitating, palm sweating, gut wrenching, fear entrenching nausea that brought on another Big Daddy:  A full-blown panic attack.

 

I’ve met people that supposedly feared public speaking, but they were able to control their nervousness to the point that it wasn’t noticeable.  It’s very hard to hide symptoms like the above.  How many of you know that if someone starts hyperventilating and having a full-blown panic attack, it is a bit hard to ignore?  You either have to calm their fears immediately or you darn sure better have a paper bag they can breathe into.  Not a pretty picture!

 

I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt I needed to call the Toastmaster’s Club in my city to inquire about it.  It was no secret that I needed to face the big guy and do battle, but every time I thought about it, I had to reach for the brown paper bag.  It was like some kind of vicious cycle that I was in, and I wasn’t getting any relief doing the same thing I had done in the past...Cowering!  At this point, the blasted phone started giving me anxiety.  When I walked by it and caught a glimpse of it in my peripheral vision, hyperventilating was the order of the day.  “Don’t look at the phone Carole, just don’t do it,” I muttered as I walked by it with my hands protectively shielding my vision.

 

One morning, I felt compelled to get up and type out a two-page prayer to help pave the way for this anxiety producing mania to fall.  I prayed this prayer over myself not one, not two, not three, not four or five, but six solid months.  Many days I prayed the prayer 3- 4 times a day. Eventually, I began to believe I just might be able to pick up that phone.  Can somebody say “crippling fear?”  Does the word “paralyzation” mean anything to you?  I’m not mincing words here!

 

Finally, I felt strong enough to pick up the phone without the brown paper bag.  (Miracle # 1)!  Charles was a nice enough guy.  He started the Club to rid himself of Big Daddy and he put me right at ease.  I couldn’t help but think, this guy acts like he knows how people feel about this public speaking thing…Charles was just about as encouraging, kind and understanding as anyone could be and he didn’t make me feel like some kind of fear-crazed lunatic.  He assured me Toastmasters’ was the place for me.  By the time he and I were done talking, he had convinced me to come to the following Monday night meeting.

 

Well, I went alright, minus the bells on my toes!  I wasn’t totally convinced I was going to like this thing.  After all, Big Daddy and me, we had a thing going.  He ruled the roost in my life.  He called all the shots.  If he said “jump,” I asked, “How high?” If he said, shake-I shook like mad.  If he said, have a panic attack, I started searching for the brown paper bag!  He and I both knew it wouldn’t be easy street for me, but some how-some way-I managed.  The some way for me, was a loving and caring God who desperately wanted me to face this fear.

 

The first meeting was very encouraging.  I found the club members to be very friendly and accommodating.  Besides that, we all shared a common goal:  To perfect our public speaking skills.  Several meetings into this endeavor, I was encouraged by some of the club members to give my first speech.  I’m not going to lie to you.  I was kicking and screaming all the way.  I had grown a little comfortable watching every one else and wasn’t overly anxious to leave my comfort zone.  They kept dropping subtle hints, and I conveniently kept ignoring them.  Finally through gritted teeth and them prying my fingers off of my favorite chair with a crow bar—very darn near the Jaws of Life—I gave in.  “Okay, Okay, I’ll do it!” I promised. 

 

After a trip to my family doctor to get meds for stage fright, I was good to go.  All was calm, all was bright and the time had finally arrived to do the dastardly deed—to spill my guts, in front of both the male and female counter parts of Club # 6504. 

 

The Toastmaster of the evening introduced me.  I had been sitting amongst my fellow club members tapping my acrylic nails on the table in a rhythmatic fashion in a cloudy daze when my heart palpitations slowed down enough to hear what was being said.

 

After a brief introduction, he quickly quipped, “Fellow Toastmasters, please help me welcome our first speaker tonight, Carole McDuffee.”  I gently scooted my chair out and stood up, and then carefully made my way out around the end of the tables and began the long laborious trek to the front of the room where the podium was.  Why it seemed like a mile, I will never know.  I do know this, eternity—had just been redefined.

 

When I finally reached the front, I extended my hand to the Toastmaster to shake his, took a deep breath and turned to face the other sixteen club members.

 

“Picture them naked Carole!  Picture them naked” came flooding back to me from a book I had read.  (This is an exercise they recommend to relieve intimidation and bring the audience down to the speakers level).  Before I could visualize a thing, I had magically opened my mouth and began to speak.

 

I had five short minutes to tell them about the easiest subject matter for a first time speech giver:  ME!  (Miracle # 2)—the words began to flow.  “I’m Carole McDuffee and…” 

 

And, the rest was history.  Two and a half years wrought me 17 first place ribbons, a boat load of confidence, and a whole slew of secondary fears that seemed to crumble by the way side.  (Miracle # 3)  Like I said, once you annihilate Big Daddy, the rest is just

“Cake!”

 

 

Reviews

[Celtic Cat]

Oh yeah....this is it. Exactly what May 5th will be for me this year. A Performance piece in front of who knows who'll be in the audience. My last "stage show" was a one-liner in a 1st grade play. hehe....jump right in why don't I?? Yes...because as you so elegantly written for us....our fears are made to be faced and concurred, so they don't rule us anymore. I'll be "breathing in love and breathing out fear"....as I am right now.....every time I mention my show I get anxious! lol Except on stage last night with my coach. She knows how to open me. Well....gotta run...get my weekend on!! Excellent, excellent write, and congratulations to you.....I'm in awe.

[youngwriter222]

It is always amazing when you conquer your worst fear, you feel so good when you get over it. Stage fright is horrible and I am glad that you have gotten through that because it is very hard. I hate standing up in front of class and having to present something bu being in front of a huge crowd would be scary.
Glad that you shared this with me and wrote about this because it seems like more people are afarid of public speaking more then anything. I like how you are open about things.

Thanks for sharing : )

[Jason]

I relate with this stage fright. I actually have had recent trouble on stage during open mic night, all the songs i sang came out terrible, i think. Great write on facing fear though...

[Beautifully Tragic xPoe..]

Great write Carole about losing the fear. I know how it is with public speaking, I remember in high school i used to sweat uncontrollably everytime i had to a presentation in front of my classmates. But I don't know how, I some how managed to get over the fear of talking to people... Thanks for sharing!


Rayne

[Fabian G. Franklin]

Man...I just HAD to read this the day before my reading at the public library. lol Nah, public speaking is natural for a ham like me and I'll have my guitar with me for security, if it starts going bad, I'll just play a song or two.lol great write on losing the fear and keeping the faith.