Big Daddy

When you conquer your worst fear, something of monumental significance happens.  A change is born.  And, it’s a much deeper change than any of us can really fathom.  All of our smaller less significant fears begin to come tumbling down one at a time.  A chain reaction is set in motion.  Once you remove Big Daddy, babies are all that remain.  And compared to your greatest fear, the babies are just...well,... CAKE!

 

For me, it all started at Toastmaster’s Club # 6504.  Toastmasters’ is an internationally known speaking club where individuals face the nation’s number one fear:  The Big Daddy-Public Speaking.

 

You see, I wasn’t given to a teeny tiny little menial type of fear when it came to Public Speaking.  I was given to an earth-shaking-quaking, knee knocking, heart palpitating, palm sweating, gut wrenching, fear entrenching nausea that brought on another Big Daddy:  A full-blown panic attack.

 

I’ve met people that supposedly feared public speaking, but they were able to control their nervousness to the point that it wasn’t noticeable.  It’s very hard to hide symptoms like the above.  How many of you know that if someone starts hyperventilating and having a full-blown panic attack, it is a bit hard to ignore?  You either have to calm their fears immediately or you darn sure better have a paper bag they can breathe into.  Not a pretty picture!

 

I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt I needed to call the Toastmaster’s Club in my city to inquire about it.  It was no secret that I needed to face the big guy and do battle, but every time I thought about it, I had to reach for the brown paper bag.  It was like some kind of vicious cycle that I was in, and I wasn’t getting any relief doing the same thing I had done in the past...Cowering!  At this point, the blasted phone started giving me anxiety.  When I walked by it and caught a glimpse of it in my peripheral vision, hyperventilating was the order of the day.  “Don’t look at the phone Carole, just don’t do it,” I muttered as I walked by it with my hands protectively shielding my vision.

 

One morning, I felt compelled to get up and type out a two-page prayer to help pave the way for this anxiety producing mania to fall.  I prayed this prayer over myself not one, not two, not three, not four or five, but six solid months.  Many days I prayed the prayer 3- 4 times a day. Eventually, I began to believe I just might be able to pick up that phone.  Can somebody say “crippling fear?”  Does the word “paralyzation” mean anything to you?  I’m not mincing words here!

 

Finally, I felt strong enough to pick up the phone without the brown paper bag.  (Miracle # 1)!  Charles was a nice enough guy.  He started the Club to rid himself of Big Daddy and he put me right at ease.  I couldn’t help but think, this guy acts like he knows how people feel about this public speaking thing…Charles was just about as encouraging, kind and understanding as anyone could be and he didn’t make me feel like some kind of fear-crazed lunatic.  He assured me Toastmasters’ was the place for me.  By the time he and I were done talking, he had convinced me to come to the following Monday night meeting.

 

Well, I went alright, minus the bells on my toes!  I wasn’t totally convinced I was going to like this thing.  After all, Big Daddy and me, we had a thing going.  He ruled the roost in my life.  He called all the shots.  If he said “jump,” I asked, “How high?” If he said, shake-I shook like mad.  If he said, have a panic attack, I started searching for the brown paper bag!  He and I both knew it wouldn’t be easy street for me, but some how-some way-I managed.  The some way for me, was a loving and caring God who desperately wanted me to face this fear.

 

The first meeting was very encouraging.  I found the club members to be very friendly and accommodating.  Besides that, we all shared a common goal:  To perfect our public speaking skills.  Several meetings into this endeavor, I was encouraged by some of the club members to give my first speech.  I’m not going to lie to you.  I was kicking and screaming all the way.  I had grown a little comfortable watching every one else and wasn’t overly anxious to leave my comfort zone.  They kept dropping subtle hints, and I conveniently kept ignoring them.  Finally through gritted teeth and them prying my fingers off of my favorite chair with a crow bar—very darn near the Jaws of Life—I gave in.  “Okay, Okay, I’ll do it!” I promised. 

 

After a trip to my family doctor to get meds for stage fright, I was good to go.  All was calm, all was bright and the time had finally arrived to do the dastardly deed—to spill my guts, in front of both the male and female counter parts of Club # 6504. 

 

The Toastmaster of the evening introduced me.  I had been sitting amongst my fellow club members tapping my acrylic nails on the table in a rhythmatic fashion in a cloudy daze when my heart palpitations slowed down enough to hear what was being said.

 

After a brief introduction, he quickly quipped, “Fellow Toastmasters, please help me welcome our first speaker tonight, Carole McDuffee.”  I gently scooted my chair out and stood up, and then carefully made my way out around the end of the tables and began the long laborious trek to the front of the room where the podium was.  Why it seemed like a mile, I will never know.  I do know this, eternity—had just been redefined.

 

When I finally reached the front, I extended my hand to the Toastmaster to shake his, took a deep breath and turned to face the other sixteen club members.

 

“Picture them naked Carole!  Picture them naked” came flooding back to me from a book I had read.  (This is an exercise they recommend to relieve intimidation and bring the audience down to the speakers level).  Before I could visualize a thing, I had magically opened my mouth and began to speak.

 

I had five short minutes to tell them about the easiest subject matter for a first time speech giver:  ME!  (Miracle # 2)—the words began to flow.  “I’m Carole McDuffee and…” 

 

And, the rest was history.  Two and a half years wrought me 17 first place ribbons, a boat load of confidence, and a whole slew of secondary fears that seemed to crumble by the way side.  (Miracle # 3)  Like I said, once you annihilate Big Daddy, the rest is just

“Cake!”

 

 

Reviews

[Celtic Cat]

Oh yeah....this is it. Exactly what May 5th will be for me this year. A Performance piece in front of who knows who'll be in the audience. My last "stage show" was a one-liner in a 1st grade play. hehe....jump right in why don't I?? Yes...because as you so elegantly written for us....our fears are made to be faced and concurred, so they don't rule us anymore. I'll be "breathing in love and breathing out fear"....as I am right now.....every time I mention my show I get anxious! lol Except on stage last night with my coach. She knows how to open me. Well....gotta run...get my weekend on!! Excellent, excellent write, and congratulations to you.....I'm in awe.

[Bhavya Kaushik]

This is really amazing Carole.I think this is a kind of write with which most of us could relate too.

After reading the story I got flashbacks and I personally want to share my experience with you...I'm learning classical dance from the age of 2 ( hard to believe I know!) and gave my first stage performance when I was just 5..But then when I turned 12, I left dancing and all sorts of performances due to some unavoidable reasons...But again when I was 16, I got back into stage because it's the place where I always wanted to be. Yet when I restarted it, I really got hesitated and I can't tell you how much nervous I was at that time...But Fortunately everything turned well and today I'm working as a dance instructor. I've a job that at every weekend I need to teach dance to kids (of ages 5 to 13).
But, you know after when I read your story...the past pages of the book of my life just got reopened.
I really need to thank you for writing such a beautiful piece and that too with such an amazing flow.
Congratulations to obtain 17 ribbons :) :)
And yeah! the font and the colors are really getting very very well with the entire writing! :)
Great work! :) :)

[Dezaraye]

This is one thing that I can't relate to much. For some strange, strange reason, the extreme shyness I have in life has never carried over to public speaking. Isn't that strange?

I like how you described everything, it put me into the story and seeing everything. Nicely written.

I can relate to this! I have to get up in front of people in a couple weeks and I am soo afraid! I think you captured what it really feels like to have a fear of speaking in front of people! Great write!

[Carrie Montgomery]

good write, Carole. You are such a motivational person...
I, too, had to conquer this same fear. I had to give speeches in my Communications class in college. I don't have problems speaking in front of a group of children (which is what you do when you become a teacher) but speaking in front of critical, sometimes harsh, adults...whoa! As always you have good advice here. As far as I can tell, there were no grammatical errors...which from some of the messages I have been getting, we are supposed to be helping each other out with! Talk to you soon.

[Phill Oz O'fee]

I read somewhere that the fear of speaking is rated as only second to the fear of snakes and before the fear of dying. The effects of this fear, even before you start speaking, gets your heart beating faster and your mouth goes dry. You may even get nauseous or feel like fainting. I was happy to read, that once you started talking, your fear was overcome.

Looks like someone was watching over you all along! Thanks for the share.

God's Blessing
Phillozofee

[Gary H]

Well done. This is something I really should be following and doing more of. I have been on a couple of creative writing courses and read my stories and poetry out for others to criticise. This has been a good way of overcoming fear but I have to admit that times of standing out in a group of more than ten to twenty people takes some doing.
Possibly my worst fear comes from my behaviour when I was younger when I fooled around trying to put the speaker off - so I deserve to suffer!

[An Ordinary Woman]

Congratulations Woman!

Carole, as always, I find much inspiration in your words. Not because I have a fear of public speaking but because knowing how all the little secondary fears fall by the wayside once the bigger fear is conquered. This really is a big deal and I hadn't ever looked at it this way until now. It gives me encouragement, thank you for this. :+)

[Valentine]

Very nice write..I think down deep inside of us we each have a phopia about something so minor and simple that we do not even know we have it until the day the test comes of using it..in my own family setting..I am usually the laugh maker and they all expect me to make them chuckle..In real life when I am out and meet people, I am deeply shy and not sure how to react or how people see me..It always takes me knowing someone a long time before I honestly open up to them about me personally..even on here...I have let people see only what I want them to see..nothing else..God bless..Valentine

[None]

Congratulations on overcoming your fear and going on to obtain 17 ribbons! Not to mention the feeling of pride and accomplishment it brought you to know you could get over your fear and prosper.
Thank you for writing this and your words will help others get past fears they are holding onto tightly. You let the reader in to feel the feelings you felt, how fearful you were and this has a beautiful outcome!
You really wrote this so well.

[Ralphy]

I great story. The fonts, color attributes and size grab the reader during each stage of the quest as the drama is played out. The story, like glue had me affixed as I journey into Carol McDuffee's world. I learn about her "Big Daddy"and contemplated my own throughout the story. What am I missing here about this guy? I suppose he has a grip on the world that we spell paranoia. I absolutely loved being engulfed and walking the shoes of Carol. Even had my paper bag ready and waiting.... Thank you for writing this amazing step down the road.