Taking Off the Mask of Pretense
I was dog tired of playing everybody’s fool. Sick and tired of trying to meet everybody and his brother's expectations. Having learned the simple art of people pleasing, I was as skilled at my trait as an artist who hones his skills through oil painting after oil painting and the study of the color wheel and color combinations. I was a master chameleon. I changed personalities faster than most people change their shoes. I knew how to run with the big dogs and play the snob, or gravel in the dirt like a lowly worm joining in the latest pity party. If I happened to be conversing with the highly intellectual, I managed to fake it until I made it, pretending I knew what they were talking about, even when I didn't have the slightest clue. Joke telling was a cinch. I just smiled and laughed along with the rest of the crowd. I wouldn't have thought of sitting there with a blank stare on my face saying, "I don't understand!" They would think I was a complete idiot. Sad to say, I had become a "Fake."
I was deathly afraid of being me. Petrified that if people really KNEW me that they wouldn't like me or accept me. I hid behind a mask marked "pretense". It was all I knew-what I was comfortable with-and I had been doing it for as long as I could remember. When I finally decided it was time to take off the mask, let down my guard and be who I was created to be, it was long past due. I found it was way too much work trying to be what "I thought" everyone wanted or expected me to be. When I got into a situation where I felt compelled to play the game of pretense, weariness quickly began to set in. I seemed to be more aware of fakery and pretense than ever before. Every where I went, it blatantly stared me in the face: Fake smiles, fake laughs and striving to be someone or something that quite simply, wasn't.
Numerous people in my circle of so-called friends seemed to be hung up on shopping in a select few department stores or living in certain high-end housing developments that they felt to be acceptable, and they didn't make any bones about it. If you didn't shop in "their stores" or live in "their part of town," you just weren't making the grade. Actions spoke louder than words. Their body language said it all: "You shop where? Well, I would never think of shopping in that store. It's not the "IN" store. You live WHERE? You do KNOW that is not the PRESTIGIOUS part of town, don't you?" You knew exactly what they were thinking. You could read it on their faces through their facial expression or by their gestures as they gave you the "EYE" and looked you all over from head to toe with a look of disapproval and subtle disgust.
Couldn't they see the mask of pretense, I wondered? Wasn't it as apparent to them as it had become to me? Deep inside, they couldn't possibly be happy, I thought. I sure wasn't. It was all one big game and a game I was sick and tired of.
Determined to change, I'd made up my mind. The hammer had come down: "Enough is enough,” I said emphatically. “I can't go on living this lie!"
A glorious day of transformation happened the day I began taking steps towards being "Me" regardless of the sneers and lofty looks! Freedom had come. The striving had ceased. I made a steadfast determination to be myself wherever I went and no matter what kind of people I was with. If anyone asked me where I lived, I answered proudly and confidently, not moved by their opinions or sigh. If asked where I'd purchased something I was wearing, whether from the expensive department store, Wal mart, or Tar(jay)-(Target), or another store I frequented, I confidently answered with the truth. I was no longer worried about what they thought of me. You see, my self worth was no longer wrapped up in where I lived or where I shopped. Neither of those things made me who I am today. Beauty and confidence come from the internal, not the external.
When the epiphany finally hit, it was revolutionary. I have more peace now than I ever thought possible. Did you just hear that pin drop? I don't spend a whole lot of time worrying about whether or not people like me. The law of averages say, some will and some won't. It's all a part of life. True friends accept us for who we are--lock, stock and barrel. I've made up my mind, if they don't fit that category, they will find their circle. After all, birds of a feather flock together.
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