Technologically Challenged

Some may love 25 different remotes for 25 different things. Not me! Give me ONE with 2-3 buttons max. Let's not complicate life for God's sake. Time to simplify!

“You’re technologically challenged, Mom,” my daughter said teasing and taunting me while looking at me with exasperation. 

 

She grabbed the remote as if I were a one-year-old picking up a glass trinket from the coffee table. 

 

“Here, let me show you AGAIN how to use this.  It’s not that hard.”

 

I swallowed my pride and did my level best to concentrate. Now, focus Carole.  Focus.  You can do this, I said trying desperately to convince myself. 

 

She pushed first one button and then another and then another, explaining every detail as she went.  My mind trailed off into oblivion, as I switched from nervously scratching my head to cracking my knuckles all in one fluid motion. 

 

Silently enraged and flustered, I cringed while thinking to myself... Too many buttons.  There are w-a-a-a-y too many buttons!  NO remote should be THIS complicated!   All the while, I stood there shaking my head yes,  pretending I understood.  I thanked her with a sheepish grin as she tossed the remote back in the basket beside the green lazy boy chair and darted out the front door. 

 

I quickly checked the front window to make sure she was in her car and making her departure down the driveway and then returned to the trusty wire basket with the stash of remotes.

Vehemently sighing, I stood there in utter disgust. “Why in God’s name do we need this many remotes anyway?" I whined.  There seriously ought to  be a law against this!  Shouldn’t someone, some where, design ONE remote for us ‘technologically challenged women?’ One that does everything with two to three simple little buttons, for God’s sake?”

 

I rummaged through the basket trying frantically to remember which remote of the five my daughter was giving me the lesson on. 

 

Was it one of the three long black ones, the long gray one, or the short gray one?  "A thousand different buttons, a thousand different insane symbols,” I mumbled as I reached into the basket picking up first one and then another as if to play “Go Fish.” 

 

“Oh screw it,” I lamented loudly, while slamming the last one back into the basket!  I’ll do a little computer work instead. 

 

Disgruntled, I plopped down in my burgundy swivel computer chair in my dining room and gave the mouse a deliberate shake to arouse it from its sleep and then clicked on Mozilla Firefox.  Still seething from ‘remote rage,’ I grumbled, “Why does this blasted thing, have to be sooo slow?  I thought this DSL thing was suppose to be fast, for God's sake?”  If I’ve heard my husband say it once, I’ve heard him say it a thousand times: "Now Carole, don’t get click happy.  You only have to click once.”  That’s got to be an oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one:  Click Happy?  I am rarely anything but happy while I am clicking away like a raging maniac with another button under my overactive fingertip.  Apparently this is part of the whole ADD thing, I think to myself while impatiently muttering “Hurry up.  Hurry up!  I don’t have all day here.  Time’s a-wasting!”

 
I began my hour of research, highlighting, copying, and printing each thing I needed to file away for my project, and when I was just about finished, my computer had the audacity to freeze up.  It wasn’t enough that I had the maniacal episode with the remotes and one piece of technical equipment, now it had to be the asinine computer.

 

Technologically challenged?  Maybe…  A pushover?  Never!  Not on your life!  Where’s the sledge hammer? I questioned with murderous revenge on my muddled mind.  I ran to the garage and started shuffling through my husbands red tool box, and at last with the sledge hammer in hand, and every one of those tedious remotes lined up in perfect symmetry next to the computer, and my right hand tightly clenched around the wooden handle, I lifted it high into the air and ker-plunk, down it went.   With every angry blow, there were pieces of plastic, wires, batteries and computer glass flying to and fro, like a small twister had descended upon and strategically targeted these six items.  Screaming at the top of my lungs, I let out every bit of the pent up frustration I was feeling: “Technologically challenged, huh? I’ll show you!  I’ve had enough of your technology, Hewlett Packard.  I’ve had enough of you crazy remotes, Dish Network.  You will not get the best of me,” I said with tongue in cheek.  “There!  It’s a done deal!”  The crime had been methodically executed with each angry and deliberate blow, the remotes and computer now barely recognizable. I collapsed on the couch, with a beet-red face, my heart pulsating a million miles a minute, and sweating profusely from the frustration laced adrenaline rush.  I lay there wondering how in the world I was going to explain this maniacal episode to my husband when he walked through the front door and saw the mess I had made?  And then it hit me.   

 

My bout of hot-headed Irish blood had clouded my mind and caused me to forget his mentioning just the other day that we needed to break down ‘one of these days’ and buy a new computer. Little did he know that ‘one of these days’ had already arrived.  Now he didn’t need an excuse, and I didn’t need to blame my outrage on someone or something other than myself.  Maybe I'll give him a little courtesy call at work to give him a heads ups.  The remotes…well, that’s another story.  Isn’t that what E-bay is for?

Reviews

[Julian]

Is it ok that i giggled my way through this? You are certainly not alone in your "remote rage". I am assuming you intended this to be a humourous look back at a frustrating moment and i could certainly see this being a scene in some slapstick comedy movie. The main character going through one household disaster after another. I enjoyed reading this Carole, it delivered a smile and a feeling of familiarity! Julian :)

[hyancynthstofeedthysoul]

I went through the learning process at my son's house. I go there to watch my grandchild. Just when I learned to operate the remotes, they bought a new TV. Now I have my eleven year old set everything up before leaving for school. When problems arise as they always do. My three year old grand daughter walks me through it. Kind of puts an old dinosaur in his place, doesn't it. I really like Firefox, but now I cannot post pictures. For some reason it saves them as JPE instead of JPEG so the site will not post them. Oh well Jonboy can post them after he finishes making Christmas wreaths in December.

[Dezaraye]

This is so funny! I work for a Comcast call center. We provide customer service and technical support for such things as remotes. Before Comcast, we were DirecTV (which I actually liked so much better.) Anyway, you would be amazed at the number of calls we received with DirecTV that people needed help learning the remotes. I'll admit ... I worked for them for two years and I still to this day can't figure out everything it's "supposed" to do. "They" truly need to invent a remote that can just be simplified. I mean, who needs so many buttons???

This is a really funny story and very well written.

[Vicki Phipps]

A pushover? Never! Not on your life! Where�s the sledge hammer,� I questioned with murderous revenge on my muddled mind and overloaded brain?...LOL...I love that part! This was GREAT! I soooo get what you mean! I used to say that every male child born should be issued a remote at birth...ha ha. I love this! Humor is hard to put in writing but you have done it very well. This was easy to read and it kept me absorbed through out! You have an Erma Bombeck flair!

[Fabian G. Franklin]

Sledge hammer sophisticated is what I'd call this. lol To err is human but to foul up everything one needs a computer. A wonderfully funny write.

[Jonathan Bryant Dean]

This reminds a bit of my mother. I like the story very much, especially the way it ended, not that many are that brave in real life. It is nice to see a character that will follow through.

A few of the paragraphs may do with a seperation of thought. By splitting them into smaller paragraphs the dialogue would be easier to read.

Just a thought.

JBD

[Brian Osterhouse]

Glad I'm not the only one that feels that way.

[AK]

That felt soooo good, all the way through! I'm "challenged" too I guess, I can't even get the TV to come on half the time and forget about watching a DVD through the home entertainment system. And record a program using the Dish Network receiver? Ha! You must be dreaming!
My wife is in control of all the remotes in the house and that is just fine with me.
Great piece, thanks!

[Sherrian Morgan]

Carole, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story. My son has the tendency to make me feel as if I do not know anything about technology. Therefore, I can relate to you and your daughter.Sherrian

[T. L. O'Neal]

Haha, that will show that computer. I really enjoyed this story and had a good laugh too. Don't feel bad, I 'm not the greatest eith remotes either. So I don't even bother to watch TV and my stereo is from 1981. It has all knobs and toggle switches... just like I like them. T

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

Carole this is great i enjoyed it.. it is so true and you wrote it with humor.. when i said it is so true i meant of me,, oh i am soo technologically challenged,, as bad as i hate to admit that lol

Chloe
xoxo