My Experiences with the Male Gender

Spoiler: I cry a lot.

 

                Over the course of my 16 years on this Earth, I’ve come to terms with the fact that interaction with boys is inevitable. However, it seems that I am still coming to terms with just how frustrating these interaction are, as I continue to seek them out for some obscure reason. The fact that inter-gender relations frustrate me is also a self-feeding cycle, simply because it wasn’t included in my 8 year old self’s ’10 Step Guide to Life’. Somewhere between step 8, meet a boy, and 9, marry him, needs to be an asterisk, leading to the bottom of the page which reads “in case of internal agony and self-hatred due to said boy, please skip to step 10”, which is owning a zoo and getting buried next to the giraffes. There should have also been a preliminary to step 8 such as questioning my sexuality due to Megan Fox. The fact that life seems to pay no mind to my carefully thought out plan agitates me to no end. This agitation probably started when I was in 4^th grade.

4^th Grade: Boys?

My one accomplishment in life was to have a majority of the boys in our class in 4^th grade to like me. Of course, this wasn’t an accomplishment to me then, in fact it made me so uncomfortable that sometimes I cried. That one sentence still sums up my love life. But there was an exception to the snot-filled 4^th graders pursuing me that I avidly avoided; the guy I liked. I’m not entirely sure why I liked him as he had an oddly frog-shaped face and was kind of an a*****e. That sentence also still sums up my love life. But I did, as did all the other girls in my class. However, they could all f**k off, because he liked me (which still made me uncomfortable even though liked him back, but at least I didn’t cry). He told me this during art class, alongside another boy, whom I did not like back. Now I already knew this, yet it shocked my little brain so I just kept repeating ‘that’s so cute’ as if he was a Labrador or something. That day, my friends convinced me that I should confess my crush to him, so while he was standing next to the window, I joined him. Then I cried. After that, I’m pretty sure I ruined the friendship of him and the other boy who confessed his attraction during the eventful art class. Said boy cyber-stalks me to this day and keeps sending me turtles (generally ones who are not alive, except the one he gave me for my birthday.) I wish I had an explanation for this. I truly do not. We have been going to different schools for 6 years.

6^th Grade: Boys…

I had a 34B cup in 6^th grade which stood out amongst my training bra-clad peers. This made me vastly uncomfortable to the point where I cried about it often. Boys took notice to it (the b***s, not the crying.) Now keep in mind I was without a doubt the most sheltered child in the planet at this point due to my prior Montessori education, hence a single person cussing could ruin my day. The fact that I had b***s was not mentioned until the second half of 6^th grade, because it meant boys having to admit that they were attracted to me, and they still weren’t over their cooties phase quite yet. Yet when it was mentioned, I wanted to crawl into the pits of hell. I don’t know why my breasts made me so uncomfortable, probably the fact that they made me stand out, but I wanted to chop them off. Boys would try to corner me or make me lean over, so I started kneeing them in the balls. I have no regrets to this day. So in 6^th grade, I also had a fair amount of boys liking me. I had gotten over the shock of a boy admitting their crush, so I knew how to handle it. Then one day, the most terrifying thing happened: a boy asked me out. This kid was also in my class and also friends with a boy who liked me whom I potentially liked back (sense a pattern here?) Of course I declined, and had the most awkward gym class the next morning.

8^th Grade: THAT Boy

                By 8^th grade, I was a double D with a 23 inch waist and perky butt due to volleyball. Regardless of that, my self-esteem took the hardest hit this year. Due to the attraction my body caused boys, I was targeted for my face. A kid said that he would “f**k her with a bag over her head” which causes me to cringe to this day. I was told that there was “nothing WRONG” with my face, but it just “wasn’t pretty”. I had horrible body image issues and was extremely depressed. I was also extremely infatuated. I developed a crush on a boy over the summer of 7^th grade and was determined to get close to him, as we didn’t really talk back then. And I succeeded! My friend group consisted of him, another guy, and me, and we were the bestest of friends. He and I hugged all the time, which was absolutely scandalous for 8^th grade, and talked 24/7. Yet, it quickly went downhill. He became possessive and jealous, but I didn’t care. Because none of it hurt as much as the fact that he had a crush on my best friend. They had dated on and off since 6^th grade, and he would not shut up about her. And me being the idiot I am and wanting both of them happy, I set them up. Because I apparently enjoy pain. It lasted for approximately two weeks, on and off, but it was okay because for some obscure reason, him and I were closer than ever. They broke up and I was secretly happy. Following that I was in heaven for about 2-3 months, we were always together and constantly in physical contact. And then the other guy in friend group developed a crush on me, along with the guy I liked’s other best friend (HOW ODD. THAT NEVER SEEMS TO HAPPEN.) Other-guy-in-friendship got possessive and jealous and my stupid idiotic crush obeyed him like a god, hence our friendship and potential relationship was destroyed, and we became sworn enemies for a good while (until nearly the end of the year.)

 

9^th Grade: BOYS!

                9^th grade was my absolute prime when it came to self-image. There’s a list of reasons why this might have been, and I’ve thought them all over in my head:

a)      I was never ugly to begin with and people at my old school were spiteful (you wish…)

b)      People at my old school were telling the truth and I just grew more attractive with age

c)       Boys at my new school were smarter and knew that insulting a girl’s face would not get them laid, their ultimate goal

d)      Beauty standards were different.

Regardless of whatever it was, the only reason my self-image was so much better was simply due to what other people thought of me, which is admittedly pretty pathetic. But on God, I went through boys like no other. My first week or so, I had a crush on a freshman in my English class. We were in the same project group, and the same group on our ‘freshman camping trip’. We Snapchatted all the time, and he seemed like the sweetest guy (plot twist: was not.) Then, I auditioned for a play. And the hottest guy I ever laid my innocent freshman eyes on took my measurements for my costume. Initially thinking he was gay, I didn’t make a move (yeah, that’s the reason why), but then he asked if I was down for helping him figure out some choreography and I just couldn’t resist. He was a junior, and I spent a good two weeks of my free bells with him for the dancing. I f*****g sucked, but he didn’t care. We got along great, and were constantly hugging, or he was lifting me up or something. One day during the play, my future friend asked me if we were dating, to which I replied no. She told me that they had had a ‘thing’ last year, and that he was a player. I shrugged it off. He got my number, and we started texting. And then my ‘friend’ said she had a crush on him and declared me an enemy for liking him. Yet we still hung out. One day, we were both at a sleepover at my current best friends house, and he showed up. We were all freaking out, as her dad would freak out if he found out, but then he admitted that he liked me. And I f*****g cried because the most beautiful bisexual boy at school liked me. And then he proceeded to hook up with my ‘friend.’ And I was sad. But it was all okay because he called me up on Skype and sang to me (said beautiful boy was also in a band). And he was my first kiss. But then he stopped talking to me. Now, at the time, I was innocent of boys ways and did not know that this was a common thing for boys to do when they got bored so I thought that I had done something wrong. I befriended his best friend, who developed a crush on me. And he dated some other girl and we just ceased to converse, until a couple of weeks after he broke up with said girl. Then he asked me for nudes and told me that he wanted to make out with me. Little did he know that I was kissing other boys now. I developed a crush on a boy during my second play. We started talking quite often, and even acted like we were dating. Now this one actually was super sweet, and he is my crush whom I am most proud of. He was an utter gentleman who wouldn’t hurt a fly, extremely funny and at ease. It later on turned out that he was also bisexual. And we kissed, at his house, at 2 am, during a post-prom party. It didn’t last because I moved back, but he is still the sweetest guy ever.

Moral of the Story: I cry. A lot.

Secondary Moral: Boys come in a lot of shapes and sizes, from fuckboy to gentleman. You have to kiss 90 frogs and 9 wrong princes to find your own prince.

 

Where are they now?

4^th Grade Crush: I follow him on Instagram. He’s into Metallica and now has a human-shaped face.

4^th Grade Stalker/Turtle Boy: Currently blocked on every piece of social media I own. Restraining order is a possibility.

6^th Grade Guy Who Had a Crush on Me: Currently one of my best friends and extreme computer nerd. Love him to the max. Had a crush on almost all of my bestfriends.

6^th Grade Guy Who Had A Crush on Me’s Best Friend Who Also Had a Crush on Me: Also known as “Bestfriend of My 8^th Grade Crush Who Also Had a Crush on Me”. Close friend of mine, the three are still great friends. Makes unnecessary comments about my b***s, but love him nonetheless.

8^th Grade Crush: Best friends after a year of being enemies, who ceased being friends with the a*****e that caused the decline of our friendship, which is why I love him so much. After dating my bestfriend, dated my other best friend, and is now pursuing my other friend. Kid had a crush on everyone but me.

8^th Grade F*****G A*****E: is still a f*****g a*****e. Goes to a different school now and keeps trying to fight my 8^th grade crush for some reason.

9^th Grade First Week Boy: This kiddo was a fuckboy in disguise. He hated me after I had a thing with boyband guy, and blocked me on everything. Tried talking to me again on the last month or so of school. Spreads lots of rumors about me.

9^th Grade Boyband Singer: Admittedly, this boy is a horrible romantic interest. But after becoming friends with him, I’ve realized that he’s been through some tough s**t that probably affects his emotional attachment, making it nonexistent. He’s a great friend but horrible boyfriend.

9^th Grade Boyband Singer’s Best Friend Who Had a Crush On Me: Actually really good friends with him. Has a girlfriend now.

9^th Grade Awesome F*****g Dude That I Kissed: Is still awesome. God I hope that kid is having a great day.