Moments

This post can also be found on www.winecountrymom.com, a blog I keep about life as a single mom and all the adventures we go through.

My daughter begged me not to go one last time. She asked if she could come with me. She hugged me for the longest time, a rare occurrence in her 10 years. And my heartstrings pulled for the moment, contemplating (and not for the first time since the trip had been planned) to relent and pack her up for a weekend by the ocean in a little house romantically known as the “Beach Bungalow”. But my friend’s knowing look and my own need for a quiet weekend resulted in my full bodied hug and a kiss on the top of her head, the promise of missing her and insistence that she be a good girl while I was gone.

 

My thoughts went to her and her brother as I was cleaning up the breakfast dishes, methodically running each one under the warm water while looking out at the ocean, at a giant crow that was peeking up and down from the tall grass until flying off with a snake that was longer than him, as I listened to the soft music in the background. I thought of the Buddhist proverb of taking each thing, living in the moment of that one thing, ignoring everything else in focus, allowing something as simple as washing dishes be a prayer in meditation. And I realized that focusing on all these things at once could be construed as multi-tasking, something that really didn’t belong on a weekend of peaceful serenity of regrouping myself before heading back home to be a worker and a mother. But it all went together: the ocean, the crow, the music, the warm water running over my hands and each cleaned dish, the thoughts of my children and everything I loved about motherhood and about them. It all fit as one, and was in its own way an inviting prayer of meditation that left me feeling peaceful and whole.

 

The air outside was cold, the fog a prominent blanket hiding the sun that had to be somewhere, the breeze dipping and climbing in gusts of refreshing sea air. With a cautious look around, I turned on the water to the outside shower. It was enclosed in a makeshift trellis stall covered in honeysuckle, and the water came down in a forceful spray from a rainhead spout. I got undressed and stood under the full stream, engulfed in water that seemed to be coming from all directions. The steam mixed with the sea breeze, and I knew that if my own Heaven exists, it must be filled with showers that rain down steaming water mixed with the breath of the ocean. There were houses all around, and a fence that was barely tall enough to hide my vulnerable state. But it hardly mattered in that moment, and once again I found myself in the meditation of doing one thing and one thing only, my only focus on the pleasure of cold air and hot water all mixed in one, saturating my skin and heightening my senses with each breath I took. It didn’t even matter as the water turned cool, and I had to hurry to soap up in the last drops of warmth. With a towel wrapped around me, my skin still warm in the cool air, I made sure the hot tub was warming properly for a midafternoon soak with a Mojito and girltalk. And then I went back in the Beach Bungalow to finish drying, contemplating another shower later in the day.

 

The day was pleasant despite the fog mixed with smoke from the Mendocino County fires. The air did have a slight staleness to it because of the fires, but still held a refreshing quality to it from the ocean nearby, and for once my head felt clearheaded and light without the Sonoma County pollen. We took a walk to the ocean bluffs, walking along secret pathways that looked to be something out of Alice in Wonderland. We found ourselves whispering in the thick of it, overwhelmed by the feeling that we were most definitely traveling through a secret grove that could only lead to somewhere magical. The path went on forever, passing homes with walls made of glass that held the reflection of the moving sea and the sunlight that was trying so desperately to break through with no avail. We finally decided that in favor of not getting lost we should probably head back. And as we rounded the last corner and came up to our house, a buck silently stood guard over three does, watching our every move as we held our breath. Sleepily they all reluctantly moved as if to tell us that it was their decision to leave and not ours.

 

The gin and tonics, the mojitos, the ocean air and protective fog, the ability to relax without any worries or responsibilities…. The sheer state of meditation that captured the whole weekend had a way of seeping into our pores and allowed us the pleasure of a long afternoon nap. Three hours later, and still in groggy states, we slipped into the hot tub while staring out at the deer in the meadow and the ocean a little farther out. Having already shared all our secrets and stories, we were content to just enjoy the silence without interruption or necessity of conversation. We were in the moment. When the water had done its job of sedating us properly, my friend slipped in the house and I took the opportunity to enjoy another hot shower mixed with cool air and intoxicating steam. Of all the chapters from this weekend, the outside shower ranks in my favorites.

 

We set about the kitchen cooking dinner and putting together another French Press of coffee. And we settled into the living room to watch a girly movie just because we could. Shortly after the movie my friend went to bed, and I stayed up in favor of writing a bit and reading a couple more chapters in the book I’ve been engrossed in. I was determined to make the day last as long as possible, it had been so perfect. But soon even I had to call it a night.

 

The next day was our departure. I started it out with another shower to greet the day. And then I set about putting the cinnamon buns in the oven and preparing another French Press of coffee. My mind was clearer than it had ever been, free of stress and no lingering allergies. We ate breakfast and started packing and cleaning the house top to bottom. By 10:30 we were set to go and said goodbye to our little haven near the bluffs of Sea Ranch. We made the drive home, marveling at all the scenery we had missed in the dark on the way up. The road took us higher and higher, giving us a bird’s eye view of the ocean that seemed to cover the earth. It was truly amazing. We stopped in Bodega at The Tides for some calamari and clam chowder. I picked up a quart for my kids, knowing I would be too tired to make dinner.

 

You’d have thought I’d been gone forever. My daughter grinned at me as soon as I opened the door, and she bustled around collecting her things and her brother’s so that we could leave immediately. She hugged me tightly, letting me know that she missed me immensely. I had missed them too, and was looking forward to getting home and relaxing with them. We all camped out on our couches, falling in and out of naps as a movie played. The house quickly became a wreck, and I know I’ll be up late tonight putting it back in order. But it doesn’t matter. It was wonderful to be away this weekend, relaxing in a world of no responsibilities, enjoying the simplicity of being in one moment at a time. But still, it is wonderful to be home with the two people I love the most, enjoying their determination to get in the most mommy time they can to make up for the days that were lost, determined myself to get in a couple extra squeezes. And that is a moment to be in, loving prayers I could say forever.

 

Reviews

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Oh, darlin' this is beautiful. Simply BEAUTIFUL and your rare and exquisite honesty, makes it even more so.

"But it all went together: the ocean, the crow, the music, the warm water running over my hands and each cleaned dish, the thoughts of my children and everything I loved about motherhood and about them. It all fit as one, and was in its own way an inviting prayer of meditation that left me feeling peaceful and whole."

And then . . .

" It was wonderful to be away this weekend, relaxing in a world of no responsibilities, enjoying the simplicity of being in one moment at a time. But still, it is wonderful to be home with the two people I love the most, enjoying their determination to get in the most mommy time they can to make up for the days that were lost, determined myself to get in a couple extra squeezes. And that is a moment to be in, loving prayers I could say forever."

I can't begin to tell you how you have captured the essence of motherhood, while maintaining the essential core of "being" that brings you back again and has made you a more whole person for yourself, and your children.

Very, very well written.

A favorite . . . definitely.

[A.J. Smith]

A very pleasant read with a few gold nuggets of life wisdom thrown in. Thanks for sharing.

[Mistral Bilgera]

very tender and endearing! Serene and nostalgic! Your writing took me to paradise... i think you deserve that break :) next time, go out with the kids, i'm sure they'll enjoy it and especially with a mom like you, i bet they really will! :)

[Angel's Lady]

What a wonderful moment you captured indeed! (Can I go next time? Pleaseeeeeeeee......)
Great job! Beautiful write!

[Antonio Valentino]

Hmmm� peaceful serenity, a warm getaway, cool fog outside, showers under the sky, walks along secret trails among the bluffs, mojitos and hottubs, motherhood, friendship, magical story, amazing writer, wonderful person.

It sounds like the perfect weekend of captured moments.

Thanks for sharing this with us Autumn.
I felt like I was right there with you.

Wonderful picture of you!
Rich