One Year

A Story by CCR86

2021 - In a broken heart place of writing.

One Year.

One year, that was all it took for me to go through feeling nervous, blissful, happy, excited, scared, anxious and then the biggest emotion of all, pain and heartache. From the day I met him, I never expected to fall so deep into his everything that a part of me was lost the moment I felt attached to him. He was the first real relationship I ever had in my life even if we didn't have the so called “titled”. The “Girlfriend” title that is.

It started out with butterflies in the stomach as always, the fancy dinner dates one by one, bit by bit I started to get comfortable having this life where I was being pampered, the affection he gave me, the soft touches. I remember how I felt each time he would pull me closer, touch my face, my hair as he watched me from across the dining table. How he would be so close to me when we barely knew each other in the beginning. He made me nervous, how I would almost hear my heart beating out of my chest every date.

And soon, I was trapped. We started spending more days together, staying over his place and becoming more intimate with each other. I remember every touch and how he would make me feel and I felt the need to want to give him more, pleasure him more to make him remember me, that I wanted to be the only woman in his life. But all this intimacy was just a surface of why I fell deep into him. Watching him sit down at his computer desk, working or watching silly videos and laughing, that was so cute to me. Spending days with him felt calm, felt comfortable to even just be near him doing nothing. Watching netflix together or just even watching different things but being together.

I even enjoyed going to the supermarket, taking walks with him. Then I wanted more, I wanted more time with him, to see him more and stay over more so we could spend more time together and then this was when things turned sour. The guy who would look at me with such adoration, who would kiss me lovingly started to push me away, everything was a “No” or “Let’s See”. I started a pathway, the path where I was put on a waiting time. Waiting for everything. I waited for his text reply, waited for him to plan the next date, waited for the callback, waited for an answer to everything I asked, waited to try to fix things if we argue, waited for everything.

Then he took a break, 3 months became 5 months. He cut everything himself, he decided everything himself and I willingly had to follow because I was so afraid of losing him. I held my tongue back a lot, afraid to step his toes, afraid to overwhelm him, afraid to make him angry and he would cancel meeting me. And now as I write this, I realize is this even love ? If I was afraid of him, it wasn't love isnt it? It was attachment, being comfortable. I was attached to someone who wasn’t even the same person I met in the beginning, I was attached to a fantasy, a fantasy I created in my head blinded by the things he bought me, blinded by the affections he somehow thought it was okay to trick me into loving him.

I will always have this words ring in my head when he said I was crazy, “ Are you f*****g crazy” and “ You are acting like a lunatic” . I felt crazy, I almost believed him, was I really crazy like he said? Even after all the name calling and yelling and him saying no over and over again, I kept begging and begging for him to stay, to hold my hand still, to try again and again. I asked him this, the lowest I felt in my life. I asked him to stay as my companion, my friends with benefit till he found someone he loved and even with that, there wasn't anything said to assure me he did love me. I guess that was the end, the end of me and I needed an escape out of my own toxic mind. I needed to love myself again to walk away from this unrequited love.

I used to blame myself for how I became, I was obsessed with him, he was constantly on my mind, the moment I woke up till the time I closed my eyes at night. My whole mind was about him. And the sad thing was I was never on his mind, I used to think he did love me and up till now, I still believe he pushed me away because he was scared to let someone in. I wanted so much to be the reason he opened up, the reason he finally loved again but I couldn't let him take away my mental state and blame me for being crazy when all I wanted was to love him. I needed to find peace in myself, to do the things I used to do before his entire being took control of my space, my energy. I did my fair share of toxicity and I admit what I did was wrong, I wish I could have taken that back but I guess I have myself to blame too because I should have walked away 3months instead of a year.

Like I said, it took a year, to feel all this and to break down fully and then get back up again to start a new chapter and this time, I do know what I want and what I do not want.

Waiting is never a good sign. Love is simple, people make it complicated. You either love someone, you fight for them or you don’t , well most of the time when you do find out you do love that person after all, it's too late so you just watch them be happy with someone else.

So yeah, one year. That was all it took to completely change me. And in hopes, there is someone out there better for me to love me fully inside and out, crazy or not :)