The Betrayers Heart

Please don't shut me out, please don't erase my existence from your lives.

I have done wrong. I have made mistakes time after time.

You say that I'm only sorry because I got caught

In the beginning, that was true, I covered up myself 

With excuses I forked out and with lies to cover the truth 

I have lied to you, broke our promises, I have stabbed you so hard 

With the knife I unknowingly held within this hands of mine

I see it clearly now, the blood. But its not yours.

Its mine, I've been cutting myself further and further

Drifting into the darkness, the cold wind freezes my heart

Away from the light, my heart blackens as I turn into someone I don't recognize

I used to know who I was, what I stand for, what my purpose in life was.

Now I am lost,far gone into a place where I stand alone.

My biggest fear was to end up being alone

But right now I have never felt more alone then I already was

As I look around and realize it was all me

I did this to myself, I created the space between all of us

Now I am miserable, so I drink, one drink, two drinks, three drinks

And then I lose count of it, until my tears turn to laughter

Intoxicated, I dance, I sing until I feel better

Sober again the next day, nothing has change, Im still miserable as before

I am afraid of losing you as I can already feel it

That I'm not part of this group anymore, that its different

So hear me out now, just before you walk away further

Let me say my piece, before its really too late

I'm sorry I spoke to your enemy behind your back

I'm sorry I said those things about you

I'm sorry I change and twisted your advice into something negative

I'm sorry I made others think bad of you 

I'm sorry for blaming you for all the things I couldn't achieve

I'm sorry for the excuses, the lies, the things I couldn't say

I'm sorry for being a crackhead, for overthinking 

I'm sorry for creating a gap between the squad, for the distance I've made

I'm sorry that I'm not perfect, that your perfection filled me with envy and jealousy

I'm sorry for choosing his side over yours

I'm sorry for the broken promises we made as a teenager at our slumber parties

I'm sorry for letting go and turning away as soon as he came along

I'm sorry for the what ifs and what nots of what would have been.

Lastly I'm sorry it was me.  The childhood friend.

I am a sinner. I am a liar. I am a betrayer. I'm selfish. I'm thoughtless.

I'm ungrateful but I am also human.

I lost my way. I was ruin. But I saw the end of the tunnel and I'm reaching the light soon.

So my dear friends, from the bottom of my twisted heart. I'm sorry.