She's Gone

Remember when...? She'd constantly ask herself. Remember when he was there, when he held my hand, his soft, delicate, yet hard working hands. I remember when, She said. I remember when the sun still used to shine. I remember when nights took forever to end and days went by too fast to even comprehend what happened. I remember when I was happy, I remember when you were still here. I remember when you still held my hand.

Tonight I stand in total darkness. Tonight I stand alone. Tonight I end my days in complete misery, tonight I wish you were here. He is here, yes. But where? He's in that cold hard ground right where he should be. Six feet beneath the Earth I stand on tonight, six feet away from me. He's closed tight in a wooden box, one to keep the bugs out from eating his remains. What remains? There are none but his bones left now. It's been an entire year tonight. An entire year since he ended his own life. 

Why?

He left me a note, one that claimed how close he held me to his heart, but apparently he was lying. Why was that a lie? Because he held that gun closer to himself, closer than he ever held me. I wish I were with you, Sebastian, I wish we were together. Even if that means I'm hanging onto life by a single thread, and that thread, it's about to snap. I'm ready to come to you, I'm ready to leave this life. 

He's telling me not to. He's telling me to hold onto what is left of my pathetic life. No, it's not pathetic, he says. He's telling me to hold on! Just don't let go! I'm hanging desperately by a thread. There's tears flooding my eyes, blood seeping out of my hopeless veins. Sebastian! Help! I need you! I'm falling... I'm falling. Catch me, please. I'm gone.

Everything is bright now, there's a tunnel sucking me in. Where am I going? Everything is white... too bright. Do I have a hang over? No... I don't remember drinking last night. Am I dreaming? No, I don't remember going to sleep last night. Where am I? What am I doing here? Sebastian...? 

He's holding my hand, everything is okay now. He's telling me not to let go. Maybe this time I'll listen. He's holding me close, he's holding me so close in fact I can feel his heart beat. His heart beat? Sebastian, you've been gone for an entire year... an entire three hundred and sixty five days. You don't have a heart beat. You're not alive. Sebastian? What's going on? Where am I? You can't be Sebastian! You can't be! 

Baby, calm down, he says. You're just fine, just don't let go this time. Hold on tight baby, I'm never letting you go as long as you don't let go of me. Why did you do it, baby? Why did you let go last night? I told you not to. I thought you were going to stay strong. I thought you were going to make it through. It was only a year. You did it just fine without me. You could've kept going. You could've made something of yourself. You could've made it big.  You could've lived.

I could have lived? What are you talking about, Sebastian? I'm confused. Where am I? Why are you here? Why am I here? Please tell me, Sebastian. What is going on?

I see my friends below me, from a birds eye view. I see them prancing along, laughing and having fun. I want to be with them. I want to forget what happened. I want to forget last night, I want to forget the past year and a half of my life. I want things to go back to normal. Sebastian, won't you come with me?

Baby, you've got to understand! We're together now! You made it this way. I can't make things go back to normal. This is normal now! We can't go down there with your friends. We can't forget last night or even the past year and a half. It is what it is, baby. You can't change it now. The deed is done, baby, you can't reverse what you did. Death is forever.

DEATH. The only thing that stuck out. Death. What did he say? What does that even mean? Death. I'm dead? How am I dead? I remember self-inflicting pain last night, I remember having bloody wrists. I look at them now. They're completely healed. There is no scars. There are no marks of ever hurting myself... anywhere. My skin is baby soft, my body looks brand new. It happened. I am gone... and none of them down there know yet.

There's a search party looking for me. Where could I have gone? They're wondering what is going on. No one thinks to go to Sebastian's grave deep in the woods... just where he wanted to be. Alone. In the woods. Just like me. 

They have no idea. I wish they wouldn't be able to tell that it was a suicide. Why did I choose the same path as him! Why? I wish I could answer my own questions. I wish I could tell you why I really did it. Sebastian. I wanted to be with Sebastian. I wanted him to hold me close. I wanted it to be forever. 

This is forever, Sebastian says. There's no going back now. See your friends down there? They just got the news that you're missing. They're worried about you. Send them a sign, show them that you're gone, but you're much happier now. Leave a note somewhere, leave one in your bedroom. Make it look like your parents missed it when they opened your bedroom door. Make it look like it fell on the floor. Tell them you're gone!

I'm gone now, guys. I've left the Earth. I'm far up above now...I'm with Sebastian, just where I've always wanted to be. I'm okay now, you know. Don't worry, don't cry. I'll be just fine up here. I'm with Sebastian, as happy as I'll ever be. The pain is gone, the misery will never return. Don't follow me, please. Things will be okay. I will always love you all, I promise. It was my time to go. Don't let them fool you, everything will be okay. 

Good, baby, good. Leave it somewhere obvious. Let them know you are okay, let them know you're gone. They know. They're crying. They're shaking. They're fainting. I'm gone. Accept it.

Sebastian, I always wanted to be with you. I always wanted to have a bright future with you. Why did you have to go?

Baby, it doesn't matter anymore. Fate is fate. It's predetermined. I was called up here. Someone told me to do it. That's why I tried to talk you out of it. I don't know what you heard, but I was trying to talk louder, I was screaming. You let go. You let me down.

It doesn't matter, Sebastian, we're gone now. It's too late, remember? I want to hold your hand. I want to love you, I want to be with you forever.

There is no such thing as love up here, baby, but there is forever. We'll always be together now, we'll always be together... He whispers in my ear. Don't let go baby, don't let go.

Promise me you won't, Sebastian?

How could I? We're together now. There's no where else I could go! 

I love you, baby. I love you too.