Untitled- Aug 27 (Preview)

One paragraph from something that I have been working on. I need lots of criticism, thank you!! :)

Holding my hands tightly standing beneath the moonlight, he kissed me passionately. The world seemed to be spinning around us, but not in a sense where it would make me feel dizzy. Everything seemed to be whirling around in a circle, as if this wasn’t real. Holding each other close, not ever wanting to let go, he looked deeply into my light blue eyes, making a sort of connection just like we had that first night we met. The leaves swirled up in the wind, in a tornado like trance, crunching together in the sounds of the night. The crickets that hid in the bushes chirped louder than ever, but yet at the same time I almost felt deaf. I wondered if Dylan felt the same way as me… Was it only me that felt how perfect the night was? Something peculiar, yet so movie-like… He took me deep inside his arms, showing me a different side of world that I had never seen before… Showing me what life was really all about… how beautiful it was to truly feel this way. “Hailey, I love you.” He kissed my forehead and began to walk away. A fog took over, as he vanished in the night sky… “Dylan!” I yelled, “I… I love you too.” He was gone. 

Author's Note

If you feel anything needs to be revised/edited, please, please, PLEASE let me know! If any of the wording is funny, any type-os... or anything that just does not make sense please be sure to tell me. I need all the criticism I can get. This is only one paragraph of a story I'm working on, more will come soon.

Reviews

[Paul D. Aronson]

This is quite possibly one of the best first paragraphs i have read in a long time. The job of the writer is to hook the reader in those first few lines if they can. The main characters voice comes across really clear here, and makes me want to read more. I like the names of the two lovers. By picking something not so common as bill or mary, you have put unique names in the reader's mind that they just may sit around and ask themselves "how about that Dylan?" You are off to a very fine start. I would recommend coming up with a title and adding it to the cafe as a book. then you can start building on it chapter by chapter. This a good way to improve your craft and gather readers. best of luck and welcome to the cafe!

[JackStrawFromWitchita]

i like it

[Jacoby de Alton]

Although it can work to one's advantage to repeat a type of verb, the repetition of spinning and swirling seems a little redundant to be used so much within a single paragraph.