Lost

Can't really think of anything that wouldn't give it away. Just read and you will understand.

Lost

 

Journal entry – 1

My name is…well, not too sure what my name is.  I know this is not where I am supposed to be.  Maybe I am supposed to be here.  If only I could remember.  The doc says that if I write stuff down then maybe I will remember.  I wonder why he is called ‘Doc’.  Hmmm…that’s just what the others called him.  I wonder if he remembers things.  We don’t talk about that.  No one talks about the past.  It’s like they don’t want to remember.  Well, here goes.

The first thing I remember is waking up on the sand of this beach, with water to my front and trees of indescribable size and shapes to my rear.  I looked around and couldn’t recognize anything.  I remember my vision is blurred.  I couldn’t tell, at the time, if my eyes were just getting used to the tropical sun, or they were trying to see through the maze of confusion that was my mind.

I remember the first time I met the others.  After waking up on the beach and clearing my eye sight, I strolled down the beach.  I’m not sure what exactly I was looking for.  I just know that I couldn’t sit still.  Sitting still would be like dying.  Dying just won’t do…won’t do at all.  Dying would be like giving up!  There’s no giving up, soldier!  The ARMY doesn’t give up.  The ARMY DOESN”T LOSE! 

 

Journal Entry – 2

 

Sorry about that last entry.  I don’t know what made me angry.  Doc says that maybe my mind is fighting my remembering.  I don’t know what that means.  Why would my mind want to stop me from remembering?  What did I forget?

Well, no worries.  Doc says for me to keep writing no matter what.  So that’s what I am going to do.

Let me continue by describing this place.  It is quite beautiful.  As I said before, there is water that seems to go all the way to the end of the world.  In the other direction there are trees.  Big trees.  Don’t know nothing about the trees.  Doc says that they are just here…like us.  I’m not sure if I know what he means by that, but I believe him.  The others say that he is the oldest.  He has been here way longer than us. 

When the light goes out, the sky is twinkling with light.  It’s like the sky has been covered by this old cloth that has holes in it and the light is trying to get through it.  But these lights seem to move.  Not very fast, but slowly.  I watch them at times.  I like to watch them.  When I am watching them, things don’t seem so bad.

The light is going out now, so I will continue in the next light.  Bye for now.

 

Journal Entry – 3

 

The light is back.  I was talking to Doc earlier as we do everyday and we were talking about the others that are here.  I don’t know if I answered all his questions but I tried.  He had me list the others that are here.  I told him about Dawn and Mikey, and Susan, and Timmi…oh and Kim.  Kim is a beauty.  She is nice to me.  She says that our purpose here is to remember and that once we remember, we will go away from here.  I don’t know why she would say this.  Why would she think that we would leave?  I asked Doc about this and he just said ‘Hmmm’.  I don’t know if he was listening to me or not.  Sometimes, he just makes me so mad.  Why is he doing this?  Why won’t he give me the answers that I desperately need.  Why!  Is he stopping me from remembering?  Why are we here?  WHY!

Sorry about that…I took a break and I am okay now.  Doc says that whenever I am feeling sad or angry, I should just stop whatever I am doing and take a break.  It works.

Okay…where were we…Oh yes…we were talking about the others.  Susan is nice to me also, but she don’t talk.  Come to think about it, I don’t think I ever heard her speak.  ‘How do I know she is nice’ you ask?  Well, she always smiles at me, that’s how.  She always walks around and when she sees me, she just smiles.

Mikey is kind of a jerk at times.  He never smiles.  I think it’s because he is in charge of the bedding that we sleep on.   I wouldn’t want to be in charge of anything.  He comes by to pick up our clothes and bedding and when I try to talk to him, he just looks up and frowns.  Sometimes he will say mean things.  I don’t remember what he says that are mean, but I know they are mean.  You just know these things sometimes. Dawn and Timmi are always together.  They are not like me.  They walk around like they know something, but they don’t want to tell you.  I asked them once, but they just ignored me.  It makes me sad when someone doesn’t talk to me.  I mean…is it hard to talk to someone?  I don’t ever not talk to someone.  When someone says hi, I say hi back.  I am nice.  Why are people mean? 

 

Journal Entry – 4

The lights are back.  Thank goodness for this.  I really like it when the cloth is laid across the sky not letting all the light get through, but I don’t know if I would like it forever.  For one thing, I wouldn’t be able to write in this journal.  I asked Doc if there was a way I could write when the light is gone.  He says that there is a way but he doesn’t think it would be a good idea that I use it right now.  I don’t know what he means.  Is writing dangerous that I can only do it in the light?  It don’t feel dangerous.  I’m so lost.

I spoke with Kim today.  She is so beautiful.  Did I mention that?  It’s hard to remember.  She actually said that she loved me today.  I told her I love her back, but I don’t know what that means.  What does it mean to LOVE someone?  Her eyes got wet when she said it.  Maybe it was raining and some rain dropped in her eyes when she said it.  I looked up but didn’t see any rain.  It was just another beautiful day.  After she said that to me, she walked around the bend in the beach around the rocks.  I don’t know if I have ever been over there.  Must be nice if Kim goes there all the time.  Maybe that’s where she stays.  I watched her walk away and I felt sad.  Not sure why.  Doc says that I felt sad because I love her, but I still don’t know what that means.  He didn’t say anything else about it.

 

Journal Entry – 5

 

I woke up today.  This time I wasn’t on the beach.  I couldn’t see the water.  I couldn’t see the tress.  There was no color.  I woke up and opened my eyes and saw no color.  The only color was me.  Everything else was colorless.  I was scared at first.  I think I screamed but Susan came in and smiled so I knew that things were okay.  Maybe I hurt myself and Doc moved me to a safe place.  Maybe I will see him soon so he can tell me where I am.  No worries.  I am safe.  I don’t see anything that will hurt me.  No dangers at all.  I am safe.  Mikey came in today also.  He didn’t smile this time either.  He just came in and took my clothes and bedding again.  This time though, he said hi after I said hi.  I tried to get him to stay and talk to me, but he said that he can’t.  He said that he has things to do.  I don’t know what those things could be.  I don’t have anything to do.  I guess its hard to be in charge if the bedding.

Guess what…I am back.  Doc came back in and he was excited about something.  He wouldn’t tell me what was making him so excited but he got really excited when I told him about me waking up here instead of on the beach.  He just said, ‘That’s excellent, dear boy…that’s good.’  I don’t know.  I asked him why I was here and not on the beach and he said the strangest thing.  The beach isn’t there.  I don’t know what he means by that.  Of course the beach is there.  I see it everyday with my own eyes.  He left shortly after that and I haven’t seen him since.  No worries. 

 

Journal – 6

 

I woke up in the same colorless place again today.  This time though, Kim was there when I woke up.  Her eyes were wet again and I couldn’t understand what she was saying.  Her pretty voice was blurred for some reason.  I kept asking her to repeat what she said again, but she wouldn’t do it.  She just sat there with her eyes wet.  I wonder what it means when your eyes get wet.  I don’t think my eyes have ever gotten wet.  At least that I remember.  She is holding my hand.  I didn’t know it at first, but when I looked down, I saw her holding my hands.  I tried to hold hers back.  I tried to squeeze her hand but I couldn’t do it.  I don’t know why I couldn’t feel her hand.  She was in there talking to me and then Doc came in and said something to her.  His eyes were wet too.  Must be raining on the beach.  She stood up and wrapped her arms around him.  They just stood there like that for a while.  Doc is a real nice person.  He is kind.  Kim is nice too.  I like being around her.  Well…time for me to go.  I feel the lights going are going to go out soon.  Must be time to sleep.  Tomorrow I will write more about Kim’s visit.  I like it when she comes to talk to me.

 

Author's Note

I wrote this while in Iraq. No...future Psychologists, I am in no need of therapy but I wrote while watching others that had similar feelings.